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‘Everybody Hates Ex-Cons’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Ex-Cons

317. Everybody Hates Ex-Cons

Aired April 13, 2008

The robber Chris put away, Malvo, is released from prison and wants Chris's help. Meanwhile, Julius and Drew don't support the same baseball team, and Tonya has a friend who keeps getting into trouble.

Quote from Manny

Manny: Well, the man was asking for your help, and you turned him down. Sometimes people need a hand. Now, back when I hadtroubles, if it wasn't for Supercuts Johnson, I don't know where I'd be today.
Risky: Supercut Johnson? Who's that?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Anywhere relation to Jehri Curl Johnson?
Manny: He was a barber when I was doing time in prison. He used to cut hair on death row.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Why would you want to get your hair cut when you're on death row?
James: You was in the joint?
Manny: Oh, yeah.
Monk: Man, what'd you do?
Manny: You know that tag on the mattress that says "Do not pull off"? I pulled that thing off. Do not pull that tag off, man. They are not playing with y'all.

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Quote from Ms. Morello

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Since I didn't know how to get Malvo past the eighth grade, I decided to ask a professional.
Ms. Morello: Chris, this is wonderful. You're like a one-man Operation PUSH.
Chris: Thank you.
Ms. Morello: And Malvo, with the proper education, you can do so many things. You could be a garbage collector, garbage truck driver, garbage truck dispatcher. The list is endless.
Chris: So what do you think we should do next?
Ms. Morello: I've got an idea. Why don't you sit in - which your people have historically been good at - and audit my class?
Malvo: "Audit" means to attend classes or lectures as an auditor. Auditor means "hearer" or "listener."

Quote from Ms. Morello

Chris: So, how would that help him?
Ms. Morello: Well, if he's preparing for an equivalency test, he needs classroom experience. It'll help him get acclimated.
Malvo: Acclimated: "to accustom or to become accustomed to a new climate or an environment."
Ms. Morello: [laughs]
Chris: Thank you, Miss Morello.
Malvo: Yes, thank you.
Ms. Morello: Chris, I think this is a great way for you to get your father off the streets.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And in her bed.

Quote from Adult Chris

Malvo: I don't want to break in to high school, I want to get into high school. That'll be the first step to turning my life around.
Chris: What do you want from me?
Malvo: I want you to tutor me.
Chris: Why don't you just take the GED?
Malvo: I don't want no GED! I want the complete experience. I want to sit at the desk, I want to smell the textbooks and the chalk, and I want to be with the other kids, frolicking.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Sounds like Michael Jackson's diary.

Quote from Julius

Drew: They're, like, the best team in the league. They're probably gonna win the World Series.
Julius: What about the Dodgers?
Drew: What about 'em?
Julius: They hired Jackie Robinson.
Drew: So?
Julius: Don't you realize that without the Dodgers, there'd be no Black people in baseball? The Dodgers are from Brooklyn. The Dodgers have famous hot dogs. [time lapse] The Dodgers have better logos. The Dodgers marched with Dr. King.
Drew: I don't care. I still like the Mets.
Julius: I guess you can buy your own food and clothing.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Mature.

Quote from Joey Caruso

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Malvo was a big hit in school.
Malvo: Now, when you're on the yard, it's all about attitude. If you don't think you're tough, somebody might shank you, so you think you're tough, right?
Greg: Yeah, yeah, I think I'm tough. And I'm ready for recess. Yeah, bring it on!
[Caruso punches Greg in the face and knocks him to the ground]
Joey Caruso: Nice brag, Bobby Joe.
Malvo: At least he didn't shank you.

Quote from Greg

Chris: Your mama's so fat she left a ring around the lake.
Malvo: And your mama's teeth so yellow, when she smile, cars slow down.
Greg: And your mama's so Black that she uses Armor All instead of lotion.
Malvo: You talking about my mama?
Greg: No.
Malvo: Nah, that's a good joke. [laughs]

Quote from Ms. Morello

Ms. Morello: Chris, Malvo, I'm afraid I've got some bad news.
Chris: What is it?
Ms. Morello: Malvo, there was a background check done on you and it was discovered you were just released from prison. And although I find this dance with danger exciting and titillating, other people are scared out of their minds and they want you out.
Chris: What other people?
Ms. Morello: Let's just say the higher authorities.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Let's just say the White people.
Malvo: Now how am I supposed to get into high school?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] This is like if BET made an after-school special.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] And now another installment of Parenting for Dummies...
Alyson: Where's my daughter?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] ...at R. Kelly's house.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: You know, I think you're setting a bad example for her. Maybe you need to grow up.
Alyson: What are you talking about?
Rochelle: I mean, look at yourself, Allison. You running around here looking like Salt-N-Pepa while your daughter's running the streets and we out looking for Mr. Goodbar.
Alyson: Look, you don't know me, okay? You don't know nothing about me.
Rochelle: You know what? You right. Maybe I'm the one who's crazy. I need to be more like you, you know? Gritty! Living on the edge! You know? Crazy, sexy, cool! Funky, fresh! You know what? To hell with these nappy-headed kids, girl. Let's go out and spray paint a wall. Let's buy a knife and trade it for a gun. Matter of fact, let's sell some blood, girl. What you, A-positive or O? You know what? Maybe we should get pregnant again. Let's have another...
Alyson: Or maybe you should just mind your own business.

Quote from Rochelle

Alyson: Hey. Um, I just came by to apologize.
Rochelle: Really?
Alyson: Yeah, Latrinda went and got herself in more trouble. She said if it was okay for me to act this way, then why wasn't it okay for her?
Rochelle: That's a good question. What did you tell her?
Alyson: I just told her, I said, "Look, I'm your mother and if you don't straighten up, then I'm gonna knock the medulla out of your oblongata."
Rochelle: That's what I'm talking about! Good for you, girl.
Alyson: So, um, anyway, I just wanted to say thank you for talking to me the way that you did. It really helped.
Rochelle: Any time.
Alyson: And you know, who knows? Maybe sometimes, Latrinda can come over again...
Rochelle: Take care, girl. [closes the door]

Quote from Julius

Julius: So, you enjoying my four dollars?
Drew: That's long gone.
Julius: Boy, what can you blow four dollars on that fast?
Drew: Actually, it was five, but I figured you were worth it. [gives Julius the Dodgers baseball cap] For the number-one fan of the number-two team in baseball.
Julius: Thanks.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] This tender moment should not be diminished, but later that day my father returned that hat, got his five dollars back and ended up a dollar up on the deal.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Typically, in the barbershop, I heard good news.
Manny: Did you hear? They renewed The Jeffersons for another season. I love me some Weezie, boy. Whoo!
Manny: Did you hear the Voyager space probe had its first encounter with Uranus?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] But on this day, I got the worst news I could imagine.
Manny: Did y'all hear? Malvo is out of prison.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Malvo was the career criminal that I had helped put away. But like the Terminator, everybody knew he'd be back, and they were ready.
Risky: Shoot, I put extra locks on my doors.
James: I put two locks on my bike.
Monk: I locked up my locks.
Chris: I ain't scared of Malvo.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] This is called "barbershop courage."

Quote from Chris

Kill Moves: Hey, Chris! Chris, Malvo's looking for you-oo-ooh!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Say what?!
[After Chris vanishes from the barber's chair in a flash, he runs down the street... straight into Malvo]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Somebody help!
Chris: Let me in! Please! [sobbing] Malvo. Where you been?
Malvo: Jail.
Chris: Yep, that's where you were.
Malvo: Yeah, well, now I'm out-- and I need you to help me.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I could only imagine what he wanted help with.
[fantasy: Malvo fires a shotgun as he backs out of a bank. Chris is in the driver's seat of a waiting car:]
Malvo: Drive, boy! Drive!

Quote from Chris

Chris: Help with what?
Malvo: Look... you the smartest person I know.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Sad but true.
Malvo: So I need you to help me to get into high school.
Chris: Wait, why do you want to break into high school? There's nothing worth stealing.
Malvo: I know. I made that mistake before.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He was sentenced to stealing a book about sentences.

Quote from Julius

Adult Chris: [v.o.] The men in my family loved baseball, and even though we lived in New York, my dad's favorite team was the Los Angeles Dodgers.
Julius: Hey, son, what you listening to?
Drew: The Mets. They're my new favorite baseball team.
Julius: [screaming] No...!
[fantasy: the Earth implodes]

Quote from Julius

Drew: Wait, Dad, don't be like that. Just admit it. The Mets are a better team than the Dodgers.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father believed in the Dodgers so much, he did the unthinkable.
Julius: You want to put some money on it?
Drew: A bet?
Julius: Yeah. The Dodgers are in town this weekend against the Mets, for three games. We'll see who's the better team.
Drew: How much?
Julius: A dollar.
Drew: Okay, you're on.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back at the barbershop, everybody wanted to know how I was still alive.
Manny: And you said no?
Chris: Yeah. Ain't nobody scared of Malvo.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Except you.

Quote from Manny

Chris: So Supercuts Johnson taught you how to cut hair?
Manny: Not only that, he told me that everybody deserves a second chance.
Chris: Well, where is he now?
Manny: Oh, he's dead. He got the chair.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] But he looked good.
Chris: So, do you think Malvo deserves a second chance?
Manny: Look, your life is on the line, man. Do you think he needs a second chance? Think about it.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] If I helped Malvo, maybe someday he would help someone else. Or at least kill one less person.
Malvo: [holding a kid against a wall] Can't you see I'm trying to better myself?
Chris: Malvo.
Malvo: What?!
Chris: I decided to help you.
Malvo: Looks like I ain't gonna be needing you after all, Four Eyes! Get out of here!
Chris: I thought you said you weren't gonna beat anybody up.
Malvo: I wasn't beating him up, I was threatening him!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He'd gone from a felony to a misdemeanor. That was progress.

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