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‘Everybody Hates Minimum Wage’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Minimum Wage

308. Everybody Hates Minimum Wage

Aired November 19, 2007

Chris gives Doc an ultimatum when he learns that he isn't being paid minimum wage. Meanwhile, Rochelle decides to be a hair model for Vanessa.

Quote from Chris

Julius: You can't just quit every time you don't like something. I mean, what if Miles Davis had quit the trumpet?
Chris: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. What if George Washington Carver quit the peanut? What if B.B. King quit "Lucille"? What if Paul Robeson quit "Old Man River"? [time lapse] What if Bill Cosby quit Jell-O? What if Mr. T quit pitying the fool? What if Stevie quit wondering? What if Fat Albert quit The Cosby Kids. [time lapse] What if Ashford quit Simpson? What if Michael Jackson quit doing the moonwalk? What if Diana Ross quit The Supremes?
Julius: Diana Ross did quit the Supremes.
Chris: You get my point.
Julius: Just go get a job.
Chris: Okay.

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Quote from Doc

Doc: Minimum wage. Shoot. There was a time when the maximum wage for Black folks was zero.
Chris: But now the government requires that you pay me $3.35 an hour.
Doc: Well, work for the government. Look, Chris, I like having you around and you do a good job. But I just can't spare the money.
Chris: It's only 35 cents more an hour.
Doc: 35 cent an hour... that's $28 a month. That's three cartons of milk a day, that's two boxes of Mike and Ike an hour. That's no.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's when I realized I'd found the one person cheaper than my father.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: What happened, baby?
Drew: I studied, but when I sat down, my mind went blank.
Rochelle: Your mind went blank? What kind of excuse is that? Did you eat breakfast?
Drew: Yes.
Rochelle: Well, did you get a good night's sleep?
Drew: Yes.
Rochelle: Well, boy, did you hit your head on a stupid rock on the way to school?
Drew: No.
Rochelle: Well, I'm gonna help you study for that next test. 'Cause I didn't raise no dummies.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Bush's mom says that, too.

Quote from Vanessa

Vanessa: Now, remember, don't move it.
Pam: Don't touch it.
Vanessa: Don't stick anything in it.
Pam: Don't scratch your head.
Vanessa: Don't move your eyebrows.
Pam: Don't shower.
Vanessa: Don't bathe.
Pam: Wash up.
Vanessa: And, most important of all, don't lie down.
Rochelle: Well, how am I supposed to sleep?
Vanessa: You're not supposed to sleep. You're a hair model.
Rochelle: Well, models sleep. They don't eat.
Vanessa: Not hair models. They eat, not sleep.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: You failed the test again?! But we studied this, boy! What happened?
Drew: I don't know. My brain froze.
Rochelle: Well, you better thaw it out!

Quote from Tonya

Adult Chris: [v.o.] At dinner, Drew looked sadder than 69-cent shoes.
Rochelle: Hey, Drew. What's wrong?
Drew: Failed my history test.
Tonya: Told you sleeping in a room with Chris would make you stupid.
Rochelle: Tonya, hush.

Quote from Vanessa

Vanessa: I've decided to go with the one that is the most difficult technique-wise. Ah, ah. The Tsunami.
Rochelle: Whoa. You know what, I heard the last hairdresser who tried the Tsunami died.
Pam: No, actually, the hairdresser was fine. It was the model that died.
Rochelle: What?
Vanessa & Pam: Mm-hmm.
Vanessa: Hairspray poison.
Rochelle: Wait a minute, what's this one?
Pam: Girl, that's the upside down cruise ship. You know, The Poseidon Adventure?
Vanessa: But we're not going to do that one. You know how hard it is to get 1,500 tiny little people made out of hair? It's a mess.
Pam: Wait a minute, I heard Jacquot LeBluke is competing.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] This is a long, dramatic story about back-stabbing hairdressers that we've heard before. So we're going to move on.

Quote from Chris

Rochelle: Chris, where you been? You were supposed to be back an hour ago.
Chris: I was out selling crack.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Not all my early attempts at comedy were a success.
Chris: Just kidding. I was out looking for work. Found a job working at Hoo's Hunan.
Julius: Hoo's on First?
Drew: I like Woks on Second.

Quote from Drew

Julius: Excuse me. Drew, what's eight times 12?
Drew: I don't know.
Julius: [blocks Ms. Crabtree from view with the American flag] How about now?
Drew: 96.
Julius: [lowers the flag] Who wrote the Declaration of Independence?
Drew: I don't know.
Julius: [lifts the flag] How about now?
Drew: Thomas Jefferson.
Julius: [lowers the flag] Drew, what's your name?
Drew: I don't know.
Julius: Look, if you're going to be an educator, buy some uglier clothes. Please. Come on.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Drew's grades improved after he transferred to the class of Miss Murphy, a 90-year-old lady with a mustache.

Quote from Greg

Greg: It's Mandy. She's so hot.
Chris: She's all right. Plus, you've been saying that for the past month. Why don't you just go talk to her?
Greg: I can't just go up to her and start talking.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Works for pimps.
Chris: Yeah, you can.
Greg: Okay, smarty-pants, do I say "hi"? Do I say "hello"? Or maybe "hey"? Or even "Hey, hi"? The possibilities are endless. We haven't even gotten to what I'll be wearing.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I know what you'll be wearing: a look of frozen terror. I wasn't getting paid, and Greg was afraid.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I thought about picketing, but I was afraid this would happen.
[fantasy: A group of police offices grab and beat Chris, shoving him into the back of a squad car as he pickets outside Doc's convenience store:]
Chris: He won't pay! I won't stay! He won't pay, I won't stay!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I thought about a sit-in, but I was afraid this would happen again.
[fantasy: A group of police offices grab and beat Chris, shoving him into the back of a squad car as he sings a protest song outside Doc's store:]
Chris: [sings] Wages... No justice, no peace!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] But I decided on an ultimatum.

Quote from Julius

Rochelle: What happened to Doc's?
Chris: He refused to pay me minimum wage, so I found a job that would.
Julius: [scoffs] Minimum wage. [chuckles] I paid a man to let me work my first job. You kids got it good.
Chris: It's about the principle, Dad, not the money. I work hard, and if the man says I should be paid $3.35 then he should pay me.
Drew: [scoffs] Good luck with that.
Julius: You get free Chinese food?
Chris: Yeah, all the rice I want.
Julius: I like those principles.

Quote from Adult Chris

Mrs. Fong: [Chinese: "Put those gloves back on. You're not finished working."]
Chris: What?
Mrs. Fong: Keep on working.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I was lucky Mr. Fong wasn't zoned to grow cotton.

Quote from Rochelle

Drew: My teacher says she wants a parent to come in.
Rochelle: Well, your father will go with you tomorrow.
Julius: Why can't you go?
Rochelle: I can't go with this hair. I don't want those people to think I'm some no-account hair model. Here.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If Drew didn't get it together quick, he was going to be lost at sea.

Quote from Doc

Chris: Hey, Doc.
Doc: Hey. Good to see you, Chris.
Chris: Just coming by to say I'm sorry.
Doc: Sorry for what?
Chris: Quitting my job. I mean, I didn't know how good I had it.
Doc: Chris, if I paid you minimum wage, you'd get taxed, and I'd get taxed. I'd have to get unemployment insurance, workmen's compensation. And there are child labor laws. Look, the bottom line is, if I paid you minimum wage, I'd have to close up the store.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Years later, Doc closed the store and opened a Wal-Mart.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] By 1986 I'd been working at Doc's for three years. Outside of getting robbed four times, sick on the pickles three times and a double hernia, it was the single greatest job I ever had. And from time to time, a pretty girl might stroll in. In exchange for all my hard work, I got paid three dollars an hour.
Doc: Good job, man. $60, cold hard cash.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I had the perfect job... until I found out about minimum wage. Basically, minimum wage is the only guarantee people get paid in money. Your boss would pay you in Popsicle sticks if he could.
[fantasy:]
Boss: Great work.
Worker: A Popsicle stick? What do you take this thing for, man? I cannot work and live off no Popsicle sticks. The least you can do is give me the damn Popsicle.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Doc, listen, I come in on time, and I never leave early. I work hard, so I deserve minimum wage. And if you're not going to give me a raise, I'm going to have to leave. It's a matter of principles.
Doc: Is that an ultimatum?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Well, is it?
Chris: Yeah.
Doc: Nice working with you.
Chris: You'd really let me go? Where else are you going to find somebody as reliable and trustworthy as I am that'll work for $60 a week?
Boy Scout: [enters] Sir, are you hiring?
Doc: Well, am I?
Chris: Are you?
Doc: Depends.
Chris: You gonna pay me?
Doc: Nope.
Chris: Then yes, 'cause I quit.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Maybe I should have gotten Al Sharpton involved.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I tried to get minimum wage while my father tried to get minimum sleep.
Rochelle: Guess what? Vanessa asked me to be her hair model for the upcoming hair show.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] By "Vanessa asked," she meant "I begged."
[flashback:]
Rochelle: Please, please, please, please let me be your hair model!
Vanessa: Fine. Pull yourself together.
Rochelle: Thank you!

Quote from Chris

Julius: How was work, Chris?
Chris: Huh?
Julius: How was work?
Chris: Oh, oh, it was fine.
Julius: Good. Tell Doc I said hi. He's a good guy.
Chris: Yeah, he's great.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If I developed a drug problem, my next job might be president.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Oh, girl, I'm so excited! So what styles do you have in mind?
Vanessa: Well, let me tell you about my follicular extravaganza.
Pam: Girl, check out Vanessa's designs.
Rochelle: Ooh, my goodness! Who did these drawings?
Pam: Girl, my cousin Dante.
Vanessa: He's taking an art class in prison.
Rochelle: They are so cute. I could just picture myself in all of them.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mother imagined herself in the Eiffel Tower... the Helicopter... and the Black Smacker.
Vanessa: Ooh!

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