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‘Everybody Hates Minimum Wage’ Quotes Page 1 of 4

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Minimum Wage

308. Everybody Hates Minimum Wage

Aired November 19, 2007

Chris gives Doc an ultimatum when he learns that he isn't being paid minimum wage. Meanwhile, Rochelle decides to be a hair model for Vanessa.

Quote from Chris

Julius: You can't just quit every time you don't like something. I mean, what if Miles Davis had quit the trumpet?
Chris: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. What if George Washington Carver quit the peanut? What if B.B. King quit "Lucille"? What if Paul Robeson quit "Old Man River"? [time lapse] What if Bill Cosby quit Jell-O? What if Mr. T quit pitying the fool? What if Stevie quit wondering? What if Fat Albert quit The Cosby Kids. [time lapse] What if Ashford quit Simpson? What if Michael Jackson quit doing the moonwalk? What if Diana Ross quit The Supremes?
Julius: Diana Ross did quit the Supremes.
Chris: You get my point.
Julius: Just go get a job.
Chris: Okay.

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Quote from Doc

Doc: Minimum wage. Shoot. There was a time when the maximum wage for Black folks was zero.
Chris: But now the government requires that you pay me $3.35 an hour.
Doc: Well, work for the government. Look, Chris, I like having you around and you do a good job. But I just can't spare the money.
Chris: It's only 35 cents more an hour.
Doc: 35 cent an hour... that's $28 a month. That's three cartons of milk a day, that's two boxes of Mike and Ike an hour. That's no.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's when I realized I'd found the one person cheaper than my father.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: What happened, baby?
Drew: I studied, but when I sat down, my mind went blank.
Rochelle: Your mind went blank? What kind of excuse is that? Did you eat breakfast?
Drew: Yes.
Rochelle: Well, did you get a good night's sleep?
Drew: Yes.
Rochelle: Well, boy, did you hit your head on a stupid rock on the way to school?
Drew: No.
Rochelle: Well, I'm gonna help you study for that next test. 'Cause I didn't raise no dummies.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Bush's mom says that, too.

Quote from Vanessa

Vanessa: Now, remember, don't move it.
Pam: Don't touch it.
Vanessa: Don't stick anything in it.
Pam: Don't scratch your head.
Vanessa: Don't move your eyebrows.
Pam: Don't shower.
Vanessa: Don't bathe.
Pam: Wash up.
Vanessa: And, most important of all, don't lie down.
Rochelle: Well, how am I supposed to sleep?
Vanessa: You're not supposed to sleep. You're a hair model.
Rochelle: Well, models sleep. They don't eat.
Vanessa: Not hair models. They eat, not sleep.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: You failed the test again?! But we studied this, boy! What happened?
Drew: I don't know. My brain froze.
Rochelle: Well, you better thaw it out!

Quote from Tonya

Adult Chris: [v.o.] At dinner, Drew looked sadder than 69-cent shoes.
Rochelle: Hey, Drew. What's wrong?
Drew: Failed my history test.
Tonya: Told you sleeping in a room with Chris would make you stupid.
Rochelle: Tonya, hush.

Quote from Vanessa

Vanessa: I've decided to go with the one that is the most difficult technique-wise. Ah, ah. The Tsunami.
Rochelle: Whoa. You know what, I heard the last hairdresser who tried the Tsunami died.
Pam: No, actually, the hairdresser was fine. It was the model that died.
Rochelle: What?
Vanessa & Pam: Mm-hmm.
Vanessa: Hairspray poison.
Rochelle: Wait a minute, what's this one?
Pam: Girl, that's the upside down cruise ship. You know, The Poseidon Adventure?
Vanessa: But we're not going to do that one. You know how hard it is to get 1,500 tiny little people made out of hair? It's a mess.
Pam: Wait a minute, I heard Jacquot LeBluke is competing.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] This is a long, dramatic story about back-stabbing hairdressers that we've heard before. So we're going to move on.

Quote from Chris

Rochelle: Chris, where you been? You were supposed to be back an hour ago.
Chris: I was out selling crack.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Not all my early attempts at comedy were a success.
Chris: Just kidding. I was out looking for work. Found a job working at Hoo's Hunan.
Julius: Hoo's on First?
Drew: I like Woks on Second.

Quote from Drew

Julius: Excuse me. Drew, what's eight times 12?
Drew: I don't know.
Julius: [blocks Ms. Crabtree from view with the American flag] How about now?
Drew: 96.
Julius: [lowers the flag] Who wrote the Declaration of Independence?
Drew: I don't know.
Julius: [lifts the flag] How about now?
Drew: Thomas Jefferson.
Julius: [lowers the flag] Drew, what's your name?
Drew: I don't know.
Julius: Look, if you're going to be an educator, buy some uglier clothes. Please. Come on.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Drew's grades improved after he transferred to the class of Miss Murphy, a 90-year-old lady with a mustache.

Quote from Greg

Greg: It's Mandy. She's so hot.
Chris: She's all right. Plus, you've been saying that for the past month. Why don't you just go talk to her?
Greg: I can't just go up to her and start talking.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Works for pimps.
Chris: Yeah, you can.
Greg: Okay, smarty-pants, do I say "hi"? Do I say "hello"? Or maybe "hey"? Or even "Hey, hi"? The possibilities are endless. We haven't even gotten to what I'll be wearing.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I know what you'll be wearing: a look of frozen terror. I wasn't getting paid, and Greg was afraid.

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