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‘Everybody Hates Kwanzaa’ Quotes Page 1 of 5

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Kwanzaa

310. Everybody Hates Kwanzaa

Aired December 10, 2007

When Julius doesn't get a Christmas bonus at work, he decides the family should celebrate a less commercial holiday: Kwanzaa. Meanwhile, Chris has an assignment to give back over the holidays, so he helps Kill Moves find a present for his mother.

Quote from Kill Moves

Kathleen Devereaux: Well, thank you for bringing my boy home. He gets lost easily.
Chris: Has he always been like this?
Kathleen Devereaux: You mean "crazy"?
Kill Moves: [sinister laugh]
Chris: Yeah.
Kathleen Devereaux: Oh, Edgar's always been savant-like. As a little child, he had a talent for charts, graphs, numbers and martial arts.
Chris: Really?
Kathleen Devereaux: Edgar, what is the square root of pi?
Kill Moves: 1.77245385.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I knew that.

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Quote from Kill Moves

Chris: Hey, Kill Moves. You waiting for soup?
Kill Moves: This a soup line? I was waiting to sit on Santa's lap.
Chris: Well, what do you want Santa to give you?
Kill Moves: 300 issues of Jet magazine, a solid gold football helmet and an Ionic Breeze air purifier.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That last thing hadn't even been invented yet.
Chris: Anything else?
Kill Moves: A Christmas present for my mother.
Chris: Really? I can help you with that.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] This was the perfect opportunity to get rid of my school assignment, and it was the daily double; I got to help a homeless person and a crazy person at the same time.

Quote from Kill Moves

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While my family was preparing for Kwanzaa, I was preparing to go shopping with Kill Moves. I didn't know much about him except that on Sunday mornings he directed traffic in his underwear.
Chris: Hey, Kill Moves.
Kill Moves: Merry... [holding a traffic cone] Oh, I thought you was the mailman. I was gonna give him this Christmas tip. Come on in.
Chris: You got cable?
Kill Moves: Can't miss Inside The NFL. I love Nick Buoniconti. So we looking for a gift for your mother?
Chris: No, it's actually for your mother.
Kill Moves: Don't talk about my mama!
Chris: I didn't mean like that.
Kill Moves: That's okay. I didn't hear you anyway.

Quote from Kill Moves

Kill Moves: Why am I doing this?
Greg: Well, if you're gonna go see your mother, you gotta get cleaned up.
Kill Moves: All right. You're the elf.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Cleaning up Kill Moves was tougher than cleaning up New Orleans after Katrina.
Risky: Here! What size you wear?
Kill Moves: 650 long.
Risky: All right. Uh... Oh, hey. Huh? Huh? What do you think?
Kill Moves: You have something in a chartreuse?

Quote from Kill Moves

Kathleen Devereaux: Until a few years ago, he was functioning semi-normally as an air traffic controller.
Chris: What happened? [discordant notes]
Kill Moves: Ronald Reagan. He fired us all. That sent me on a downward spiral of paranoia, schizophrenia...
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Reagan, too.
Kill Moves: I took to wandering the streets until I met Gazoo, the space man, he told me that the only true freedom could be found by living in a box.
Chris: Gazoo?
Kathleen Devereaux: From The Flintstones.

Quote from Julius

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father would have given us the best Christmas he could until he found out he had another option.
Afro-Centric Man: Brothers and sisters, we need to stop this Christmas racket.
Julius: What's all this?
Afro-Centric Man: What's this? Come over here, brother. We encourage you to celebrate Kwanzaa this year. And stop being a slave to consumerism. Free yourself of your financial oppressors by giving African love.
Julius: What's Kwanzaa?
[fantasy: an expert addresses the camera:]
African Expert: Kwanzaa is celebrated the seven days after Christmas and emphasizes principles of family, community and culture. This peaceful African holiday was the great idea of Dr. Malauna Karenga. Later, one of his bad ideas led him to prison for four years for felonious assault and false imprisonment. Although Kwanzaa has enjoyed limited success, felonious assault swept the nation and continues to thrive throughout the African-American community today.

Quote from Drew

Rochelle: Well, are there presents?
Julius: Yeah, but they should come from the Earth.
Drew: Like diamonds?
Julius: No.
Drew: Well, they're from the Earth and they're from Africa.

Quote from Kill Moves

Greg: So we're gonna go through some of your stuff and see if we can find some clues to your mother's whereabouts.
Chris: We're going to point to stuff and you're gonna tell us what it is.
Kill Moves: Roger.
Chris: You mean, yes?
Kill Moves: No, I mean Roger. You're pointing at Roger. That's the bear's name. And he finds pointing very rude.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And he finds his owner very crazy.

Quote from Kill Moves

Kathleen Devereaux: Baby, it's so good to see you. I've been very worried.
Kill Moves: It's good to see you, too, Mom.
Kathleen Devereaux: How have you been?
Kill Moves: Homeless.
Kathleen Devereaux: Other than that.
Kill Moves: Good. You know, watching my diet. I get a lot of exercise, and I don't talk to space people as much as I used to. Except for Gazoo.
Kathleen Devereaux: Well, of course.

Quote from Jerome

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Kwanzaa had been a disaster at my house, but at least Kill Moves had a good Christmas. Then, just when I thought I had nothing left to give...
Jerome: Hey! Happy holidays, 'lil dude. Let me hold a dollar.
Chris: I don't have any money. But... I do have this Christmas card.
Jerome: [sighs] Thanks. You owe me a dollar. Merry Christmas.

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