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‘Everybody Hates Kwanzaa’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Kwanzaa

310. Everybody Hates Kwanzaa

Aired December 10, 2007

When Julius doesn't get a Christmas bonus at work, he decides the family should celebrate a less commercial holiday: Kwanzaa. Meanwhile, Chris has an assignment to give back over the holidays, so he helps Kill Moves find a present for his mother.

Quote from Kill Moves

Kathleen Devereaux: Well, thank you for bringing my boy home. He gets lost easily.
Chris: Has he always been like this?
Kathleen Devereaux: You mean "crazy"?
Kill Moves: [sinister laugh]
Chris: Yeah.
Kathleen Devereaux: Oh, Edgar's always been savant-like. As a little child, he had a talent for charts, graphs, numbers and martial arts.
Chris: Really?
Kathleen Devereaux: Edgar, what is the square root of pi?
Kill Moves: 1.77245385.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I knew that.

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Quote from Kill Moves

Chris: Hey, Kill Moves. You waiting for soup?
Kill Moves: This a soup line? I was waiting to sit on Santa's lap.
Chris: Well, what do you want Santa to give you?
Kill Moves: 300 issues of Jet magazine, a solid gold football helmet and an Ionic Breeze air purifier.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That last thing hadn't even been invented yet.
Chris: Anything else?
Kill Moves: A Christmas present for my mother.
Chris: Really? I can help you with that.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] This was the perfect opportunity to get rid of my school assignment, and it was the daily double; I got to help a homeless person and a crazy person at the same time.

Quote from Kill Moves

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While my family was preparing for Kwanzaa, I was preparing to go shopping with Kill Moves. I didn't know much about him except that on Sunday mornings he directed traffic in his underwear.
Chris: Hey, Kill Moves.
Kill Moves: Merry... [holding a traffic cone] Oh, I thought you was the mailman. I was gonna give him this Christmas tip. Come on in.
Chris: You got cable?
Kill Moves: Can't miss Inside The NFL. I love Nick Buoniconti. So we looking for a gift for your mother?
Chris: No, it's actually for your mother.
Kill Moves: Don't talk about my mama!
Chris: I didn't mean like that.
Kill Moves: That's okay. I didn't hear you anyway.

Quote from Kill Moves

Kill Moves: Why am I doing this?
Greg: Well, if you're gonna go see your mother, you gotta get cleaned up.
Kill Moves: All right. You're the elf.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Cleaning up Kill Moves was tougher than cleaning up New Orleans after Katrina.
Risky: Here! What size you wear?
Kill Moves: 650 long.
Risky: All right. Uh... Oh, hey. Huh? Huh? What do you think?
Kill Moves: You have something in a chartreuse?

Quote from Kill Moves

Kathleen Devereaux: Until a few years ago, he was functioning semi-normally as an air traffic controller.
Chris: What happened? [discordant notes]
Kill Moves: Ronald Reagan. He fired us all. That sent me on a downward spiral of paranoia, schizophrenia...
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Reagan, too.
Kill Moves: I took to wandering the streets until I met Gazoo, the space man, he told me that the only true freedom could be found by living in a box.
Chris: Gazoo?
Kathleen Devereaux: From The Flintstones.

Quote from Julius

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father would have given us the best Christmas he could until he found out he had another option.
Afro-Centric Man: Brothers and sisters, we need to stop this Christmas racket.
Julius: What's all this?
Afro-Centric Man: What's this? Come over here, brother. We encourage you to celebrate Kwanzaa this year. And stop being a slave to consumerism. Free yourself of your financial oppressors by giving African love.
Julius: What's Kwanzaa?
[fantasy: an expert addresses the camera:]
African Expert: Kwanzaa is celebrated the seven days after Christmas and emphasizes principles of family, community and culture. This peaceful African holiday was the great idea of Dr. Malauna Karenga. Later, one of his bad ideas led him to prison for four years for felonious assault and false imprisonment. Although Kwanzaa has enjoyed limited success, felonious assault swept the nation and continues to thrive throughout the African-American community today.

Quote from Drew

Rochelle: Well, are there presents?
Julius: Yeah, but they should come from the Earth.
Drew: Like diamonds?
Julius: No.
Drew: Well, they're from the Earth and they're from Africa.

Quote from Kill Moves

Greg: So we're gonna go through some of your stuff and see if we can find some clues to your mother's whereabouts.
Chris: We're going to point to stuff and you're gonna tell us what it is.
Kill Moves: Roger.
Chris: You mean, yes?
Kill Moves: No, I mean Roger. You're pointing at Roger. That's the bear's name. And he finds pointing very rude.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And he finds his owner very crazy.

Quote from Kill Moves

Kathleen Devereaux: Baby, it's so good to see you. I've been very worried.
Kill Moves: It's good to see you, too, Mom.
Kathleen Devereaux: How have you been?
Kill Moves: Homeless.
Kathleen Devereaux: Other than that.
Kill Moves: Good. You know, watching my diet. I get a lot of exercise, and I don't talk to space people as much as I used to. Except for Gazoo.
Kathleen Devereaux: Well, of course.

Quote from Jerome

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Kwanzaa had been a disaster at my house, but at least Kill Moves had a good Christmas. Then, just when I thought I had nothing left to give...
Jerome: Hey! Happy holidays, 'lil dude. Let me hold a dollar.
Chris: I don't have any money. But... I do have this Christmas card.
Jerome: [sighs] Thanks. You owe me a dollar. Merry Christmas.

Quote from Jerome

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Kill Moves and his mother taught me a valuable lesson. No matter what you celebrate, the holidays should be spent with people you love.
Jerome: Thanks for that two grand, 'lil dude.
Chris: What two grand?
Jerome: It was in that Christmas card you gave me. [chuckles]
Chris: What?
Jerome: Yeah. In the spirit of Christmas, I'm-a give you a dollar. You got change for a hundred?

Quote from Ms. Morello

Ms. Morello: Chris, what are you gonna do?
Chris: I don't know. Maybe work at a soup kitchen.
Ms. Morello: Oh, that's so nice.
Chris: Oh, but the only thing is I don't think there's one in my neighborhood.
Ms. Morello: Oh, yes, there is. [whispers] And could you give this back to Robert, the manager? He dropped it in... sixth period study hall.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Sure he did.

Quote from Manny

Manny: What's wrong, Julius?
Julius: Man, those papers are heavy this time of year. Kills my back.
Manny: What's going on for the holidays?
Julius: Not much. I didn't get my Christmas bonus. It's gonna be tight.
Manny: It's tight, all right, man. I ain't got this year, man. I'm not buying no gifts, I'm not buying no cards. I'm not even calling nobody, man. Everybody getting the same gift from me this year... hope. Hope I buy them something.
Julius: Thanks, Manny Have a good one, man.
Manny: Good luck, man.

Quote from Kill Moves

Kill Moves: So what kinds of things does your mother like?
Chris: I don't know, but if it was your mother, what would you get her?
Kill Moves: Diamonds and a White man.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Good choice.
Chris: Okay, I don't think we can buy that. But maybe chocolates?
Kill Moves: Oh, sounds good.

Quote from Drew

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While Tonya wouldn't speak about Kwanzaa, Drew was ready to start speaking Swahili.
Drew: The first principle of Kwanzaa is umoja; unity. That means us Black people gotta stick together.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Well, that's it for Kwanzaa.

Quote from Greg

Adult Chris: [v.o.] The hard thing about Kwanzaa was that everybody else was celebrating Christmas. Even if you stayed in the house, you couldn't escape it.
Greg: Merry Christmas Eve.
Rochelle: Hi, Greg. Uh, uh, come on in. Chris, Greg is here!
Greg: I brought you a Christmas gift.
Rochelle: Thank you. You didn't have to.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Trivia fact: those are his real ears.
Chris: You didn't tell me you'd be working as one of Santa's elves this year.
Greg: I'm not.
Chris: Oh.

Quote from Greg

Greg: So where's your Christmas tree?
Chris: We're celebrating Kwanzaa this year.
Rochelle: Happy Kwanzaa.
Greg: Harambee!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] God bless you.
Greg: Oh, beets! These are my favorite! Lots of vitamin A. This was on my list.
Chris: So what are you doing today?
Greg: Well, I got to be back at the North Pole by 11:00. But other than that, nothing.
Chris: Good, 'cause I need your help.

Quote from Doc

Doc: I love Kwanzaa. Doesn't Interfere with Christmas and it's a good way to bring the family together. You know, Christmas is too materialistic.
Tonya: Yeah, well, my mom made this for you.
Doc: Ooh. Well, tell your mama I said thank you. You know, I did a little jail time with the guy who invented Kwanzaa.
Tonya: Really?
Doc: Yeah! I won a hat just like this from him in a card game. He was a good guy. If he hadn't committed that felonious assault, Kwanzaa would have caught on, been big.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] No, it wouldn't.

Quote from Kill Moves

Kill Moves: That's my CIA card from the Bay of Pigs invasion. An address book. A piggy bank from the 1964 World's Fair.
Chris: Wait, what you just say?
Kill Moves: [loudly] A piggy bank from the 19...
Greg: No, no, you said this is an address book.
Chris: Mom. Kathleen Devereaux. 551 East 63 Street.
Greg: Dude, that's on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. Do you know what kind of people live there?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] White people and Spike Lee.

Quote from Kill Moves

Vanessa: Stop moving around so much.
Kill Moves: Take it easy. I'm tender-headed. Ow!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] After 15 bottles of shampoo and a Silkwood shower, our job was complete.
Vanessa: You're done.
Kill Moves: Ooh-ee. I look like a young Cleavon Little.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] More like an old Clifton Davis.
Chris: How much?
Pam: Nothing. Just consider it a Christmas gift.
Vanessa: Hey, Slick, if you wasn't a psychotic, homeless bum I'd go out with you.
Kill Moves: [chuckles] Get in line, sister. Get in line.

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