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‘Everybody Hates the First Kiss’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates the First Kiss

313. Everybody Hates the First Kiss

Aired March 16, 2008

Chris wants to be invited to a spin the bottle party so he can have his first kiss with Tasha. Meanwhile, Drew reluctantly lends Mr. Omar money and is determined to get it back.

Quote from Mr. Omar

Tonya: Who died?
Mr. Omar: Oh. Mr. Abernathy. Got decapitated by a flying hubcap. Tragic. Tragic!
Tonya: Is that his wife?
Mr. Omar: Mm-hmm.
Tonya: Mmm.

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Quote from Drew

Drew: Where's my money?
Mr. Omar: You said you were coming back tomorrow.
Drew: It is tomorrow.
Mr. Omar: It's 4:00 in the morning, man.
Drew: I want my money.
Mr. Omar: Drew, I got to get up in the morning and go to work.
Drew: And I got to get up and go to school, but I can't concentrate because I don't have my money.
Mr. Omar: [sighs heavily] Okay, okay. Can you give me another day?
Drew: Fine. [stops Mr. Omar closing the door] But another day is going to cost you another dollar. And after tomorrow, that's it.
Mr. Omar: What's it?
Drew: Nothing. I'd just hate to see something bad happen.
Mr. Omar: What kind of something?
Drew: Something tragic. Have a nice night.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Drew went on to help found Death Row Records.

Quote from Drew

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While I was counting my blessings, Mr. Omar had to pay the piper.
Mr. Omar: I know it's hard to lose your husband. But remember, he's in a better place right now.
[When Mr. Omar opens the door to the limousine, he finds Drew sitting in the car]
Mr. Omar: Drew?!
Drew: Where's my money?
Mr. Omar: Man, we're on our way to a funeral.
Drew: You want to make it two? You're not going anywhere until I get my money.
Mr. Omar: [to the widow] You got five dollars I could borrow?
Drew: Seven.
Mr. Omar: Seven.
Widow: This is coming out of your bill.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Mr. Omar hated paying back money even if it wasn't his.
Drew: Thank you. And, uh, sorry about your husband.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] At least one of them is.

Quote from Greg

Chris: Have you ever been to a spin the bottle party?
Greg: Hi. I don't believe we've met before. My name is Greg. No, I haven't been to a spin the bottle party. I mean, I haven't been to a party. Why would you even ask me that?
Chris: Because I'm trying to get into one.
Greg: Hold on. You do know what they do at those parties, right?
Chris: Yeah. People kiss.
Greg: Oh. I must be thinking of a different kind of game, then.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Greg wrote about that party in his book, Ow, There's a Bottle in My...

Quote from Drew

Mr. Omar: Oh, hey, hey! Drew, Drew. You got, uh, five dollars I could borrow?
Drew: I don't loan money.
Mr. Omar: Come on. You know I'm good for it.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Drew inherited one quality from my father: he was a tightwad, and he saved every penny he got, no matter how he got it.
[flashback: Drew wakes up in the middle of the night, removes a dollar bill from under the pillow and places it in his wallet. As he smiles, he reveals a missing front tooth.]

Quote from Julius

Julius: Nice to meet you, Larry.
Lance: Lance.
Julius: Okay.
Lance: It's great seeing you again, Rochelle. Next time you come down, I'll give you a few free loads. Also, here are some coupons for, uh, a new dry cleaners I'm opening. [Julius grabs the coupons]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father would take a coupon from bin Laden.
Julius: Thanks, Lurch.
Tonya: It's Larry.
Rochelle: It's Lance.

Quote from Drew

Adult Chris: [v.o.] After tomorrow came and went, Drew came and went off.
Mr. Omar: Hey, Drew. My man.
Drew: Where's my money?
Mr. Omar: Oh... Man, I'm sorry, I totally forgot all about that.
Drew: It's okay. You can pay me now.
Mr. Omar: Okay. [sighs] You know what? I left my wallet at the office.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The office in your back pocket?
Mr. Omar: So... can I pay you tomorrow?
Drew: Yeah, but I'm gonna have to charge you interest.
Mr. Omar: Interest?
Drew: 15%.
Mr. Omar: 15%? That's outrageous.
Drew: On the streets it's 17. I'm doing you a favor. I'll be back.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Black Terminator.

Quote from Tonya

Julius: Your mother's birthday is coming up.
Tonya: Yeah, in three months.
Julius: Right, and I want to throw a little party for her and I was thinking of inviting her friend Lance, but... I don't know...
Tonya: You want me to ask Mama if she likes Lance?
Julius: Yeah.
Tonya: Well, Daddy, I don't think I can do that. At least not for free.
Julius: Are you asking me for money?
Tonya: Are you asking me to spy on Mama?
Julius: It's not spying. I just want you to ask her a couple questions.
Tonya: Well, how come you can't ask her?
Julius: Because here's five dollars, that's how come.
Tonya: I'll take care of it.
Julius: Thank you.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Tonya made more money that year than my father.

Quote from Chris

Chris: I just don't know if I'm gonna do it right.
Greg: Lip-ups.
Chris: What?
Greg: Lip-ups. Richie Cunningham was afraid of the same thing on Happy Days and the Fonz told him to do lip-ups. You put your face on the floor and push up with your lips.
Chris: What? Are you crazy? I'm not kissing the floor.
[cut to Chris on the floor at home doing lip-ups:]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] This is what happens when you watch shows about White people.
Drew: What are you doing?
Chris: Oh, I was just looking for a quarter I dropped.
Drew: Oh. Well, it looked like you were doing lip-ups. You know those don't work.

Quote from Adult Chris

Tonya: What are you looking at?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] About five to ten when I drown you in that cereal bowl.

Quote from Tonya

Chris: I need you to do something for me.
Tonya: What?
Chris: I'm going out, and I need you to stay here and keep your mouth shut.
Tonya: That's five dollar's worth of need.
Chris: Fine. Mom will be back at 9:00, be in bed. And if I don't get in trouble, I'll pay you when I get back.
Tonya: Okay.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Tonya invested all of her extortion money and retired at 30.

Quote from Tonya

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While I had one foot in the grave, Tonya was digging up dirt.
Rochelle: Hey, baby.
Tonya: Hey, Ma. Can I ask you something?
Rochelle: Sure. What is it?
Tonya: Did you ever kiss Lance?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Smooth.
Rochelle: That, Tonya, is none of your business.
Tonya: Okay, well... do you love Lance more than you love Daddy?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Instead of beating around a bush, Tonya took a chainsaw to it.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Well, since you're so interested in knowing what happened, I guess I'll tell you. I was dating Lance and then I met your father. You want to know why I broke up with Lance?
Tonya: Why?
Rochelle: Because your father was, is and will always be the love of my life. Okay?
Tonya: Okay.
Rochelle: That okay with you, Julius?
Julius: Okay.

Quote from Rochelle

Susan's Mother: Hi, are you Chris's mother?
Rochelle: Yes. Why? What did he do?
Susan's Mother: He was at a party with my daughter, Susan, last Wednesday night.
Rochelle: Oh, no, no, no, I don't think so. Chris was here at home watching my daughter for me on Wednesday night.
Susan's Mother: Okay, well, somebody named Chris was at that party and she said that he lived here. Look, I'm just trying to inform everybody who was at the party that Susan was contagious and she has the mumps.
Rochelle: Well, I don't know what you're talking about because Chris doesn't have the mumps. One minute. Chris!
[Chris walks down the stairs with an enlarged neck]
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Maybe the mumps will cushion my butt-whupping.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] When I was 15 going on 16, the one thing I wanted most was a kiss from a girl, and I didn't care who it was as long as she wasn't in my family. At the time, I thought I would only get a kiss one of a few ways. There was "catch a girl, kiss a girl." She ran faster than Flo Jo. There was "kiss a girl and run like hell." And there was spin the bottle.

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