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‘Everybody Hates the BFD’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates the BFD

316. Everybody Hates the BFD

Aired April 6, 2008

Chris takes a scholarship at Mr. Omar's funeral home so he can afford tickets to see Run-DMC. Meanwhile, Rochelle is on bed rest after injuring her arm punishing Drew.

Quote from Risky

Manny: Going to that concert?
Chris: I wish. It's sold out.
Risky: I've got a guy that's gonna give me two tickets tomorrow. They're yours for $200.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I don't have $200.
Chris: I'll take 'em.
Risky: Okay, I'll have them tomorrow at 6:00. And I'm gonna need cash. Now I don't take check, credit, pesos, rubles, wampums, ducats or wherewithal.
Chris: No problem.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] As long as you can also loan me $200.

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Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While I was hurting for cash, my mother was in pain.
Nurse: So the chart says you got pain in your shoulder. How did you do this?
Rochelle: I was reaching for something and I must've overextended.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's one way of putting it.
[flashback to Rochelle holding a belt behind a bent-over Drew:]
Rochelle: Boy, didn't I tell you about throwing that ball?!
Drew: Mama, I didn't mean to break it, I'm sorry.
Rochelle: Oh, your behind gonna be sorry. [cracking] Ow! Ow!
[present:]
Nurse: Went too far back on the wind-up, didn't you?
Rochelle: Yeah! You know that boy broke a $60 lamp when I told him do not throw a ball in the house.

Quote from Doc

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While I waited for my scholarship money, I was researching other ways to get some cash.
Doc: Give you an advance on your pay?
Chris: Yeah, and I'll pay you back soon as I get my scholarship money.
Doc: That sounds like a good plan. But what happens if you get killed?
Chris: I haven't thought about that.
Doc: Ain't that nothing. You learning about death and ain't even thought about dying. Death can happen at any moment, son. It can happen when you're happy, when you're sad, or when you owe somebody money.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Translation: no.

Quote from Greg

Greg: Hey, what happened? Where were you? I can't believe you missed it.
Chris: Got tied up at the funeral home.
Greg: Ha, I told you that scholarship thing was a bad idea.
Chris: It's all right. I'll catch 'em next time.
Greg: Next time? There won't be a next time. It was incredible. It was Aerosmith and Run-DMC singing "Walk This Way." I couldn't believe it, man. And then...
Adult Chris: [v.o.] When I saw someone in distress, I gave comfort. Greg had a different approach.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father held onto cash so tight, George Washington couldn't breathe.

Quote from Greg

Chris: Oh, my dad loaned it to me and I'm gonna pay him back with my scholarship money.
Greg: What scholarship?
Chris: BFD.
Greg: Never heard of that one before. But I'm guessing acronyms today... Black Funeral Directors.
Chris: Yeah, you have a scholarship?
Greg: Yeah, I've got four: Future Physicists, Future Pharmacists, Future Futurists, and Sons of Izzo.
Chris: Who's Izzo?
Greg: It's an Italian thing, you wouldn't understand.

Quote from Julius

Julius: Can you pass me the big piece of toast?

Quote from Manny

Mr. Omar: Manny, you mind if I leave these here?
Manny: What is it?
Mr. Omar: Applications for my BFD Scholarship.
Risky: BFD?
Mr. Omar: Black Funeral Directors.
Manny: What I was thinking wasn't even close. [chuckles] You, too, right?

Quote from Adult Chris

Mr. Omar: So if you know of any young men who would like to learn about the wonderful world of death, this scholarship is worth $250.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Sounds like ticket money to me.
Chris: I'm interested.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Interested in free money.
Mr. Omar: Oh, I didn't know you were interested in the bereaved and deceased.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I'm not.
Mr. Omar: This is a lot easier than I thought it would be.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I was thinking the exact same thing.

Quote from Rochelle

Nurse: Next time, just stretch first.
Rochelle: Stretch?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Nothing helps you give better ass whuppings than yoga.
Nurse: It's part of the proper technique.
[fantasy: a doctor addresses the camera:]
Dr. Information: There are various techniques that you can use to avoid injury while delivering an ass whupping. There's the Two-Cheek Cross, the Roundhouse Booty Buster, or my personal favorite: the Kunta Kinte Will Breaker. In the wrong hands, a beating can be called child abuse. But in the right hands, it could be the difference between raising a Bill Gates or a Bobby Brown.
[reality:]
Nurse: Read this. If you rest your arm in a sling for a week, you'll be fine.
Rochelle: A week? I can't rest for a week. I got to cook and clean.
Nurse: You're hurt. Make those kids do it.
Rochelle: Strap me up.
Nurse: Mm-hmm.

Quote from Greg

Chris: Bam! We're going to the Run-DMC concert.
Greg: Dude, this is incredible. I promise I'll pay you back, ten dollars a week. This is the best thing anyone's ever done for me since my mom took me back from the foster home.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: Now I wish I wasn't hurt, but I am. So I'm gonna need you two to pick up the slack around here, okay?
Drew: What do we have to do?
Rochelle: [sighs] Not a lot. [hands them a list]
Tonya: All of this?!
Rochelle: Now you can appreciate all the hard work I do around here. Ow! Ow! Drew, go get my Turtles. Tonya, put my feet up. You know my ankles swell. Pass me the remote. Move out the way. You're blocking the TV. [applause on TV] Now that's what I'm talking about. Come on here, girl. You can do it, sister. Come on, joker...! Come on, joker! Yes!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] You should've seen her when she watched Card Sharks.

Quote from Mr. Omar

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Now that I was going to the show, I couldn't wait for Mr. Omar to show me the money.
Chris: Hey, Mr. Omar, I was just wondering what I needed to do to finish up my scholarship work.
Mr. Omar: Oh, I appreciate your enthusiasm, Chris. As you know, death doesn't wait, so come on in. I'm just finishing up my preparation for the death Jubilee. Sweep that up.
Chris: Death Jubilee?
Mr. Omar: Oh, it's only the biggest event of the year. It's like the auto show.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If you drive a hearse.

Quote from Rochelle

Drew: Toast?
Julius: Toast for dinner?
Rochelle: Tonya can't cook and it's the best that I could do in the condition that I'm in.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She's using most of her energy faking being hurt.
Rochelle: Ow! Thank you. Chris, why don't you pass the toast around? See? I got wheat toast and white toast and raisin and crust and crustless.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] No pumpernickel?
Rochelle: Mommy also has grape jelly, strawberry jelly, hot sauce...
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Hot sauce?
Rochelle: ...cinnamon, honey and syrup to dip your crust in.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Hot sauce?
Chris: Hot sauce?

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I was missing Run-DMC, but my father was really missing his quarters.
Rochelle: Shouldn't you be at work, baby?
Julius: Rochelle, I think Tonya may have stolen from me.
Rochelle: What?!
Julius: I went to the bank and the quarters I had her roll up for me came up short.
Rochelle: Oh, no, my daughter is not gonna grow up to be a thief. We're gonna get to the bottom of this. I still got one good arm left.

Quote from Julius

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father hated to think that Tonya had stolen again, but he also hated being short $2.50.
Julius: Tonya, did you roll those quarters like I told you to?
Tonya: Yeah. Why?
Julius: When I went to the bank, every one of those rolls was a quarter short. What happened to the rest of my money?
Tonya: Well, I took one quarter out of each roll.
Julius: You didn't think anybody wouldn't notice that? What did you do with the money, Tonya?
Tonya: Well, I was trying to save to make you another roll.
Julius: Save for another roll?
Tonya: Yeah. You didn't think I was stealing from you, did you?
Julius: No, of course not.
Tonya: Well, that's what it sounds like to me.
Julius: No, no, that's not what it sounds like.
Tonya: I'm just saying...
Julius: Huh?! Look, your mother, she needs some help. Look, here, take that and buy some candy or something, okay?
Tonya: No, Daddy, you keep it.
Julius: Coming, baby! Coming!

Quote from Chris

Hattie Mitchell: Oh, I'm gonna miss him! But you know what? He had a good life.
Chris: Yeah, sounds like you two got along.
Hattie Mitchell: Oh, no, he was a pain in the ass. [laughs] But he was my pain in the ass.
Chris: Yeah.
Hattie Mitchell: Young man, can I tell you something?
Chris: What's that?
Hattie Mitchell: This is the best I've felt in days. Thank you.
Chris: You're welcome.
Hattie Mitchell: Come on. I know there's someplace you got to be.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] There was someplace I wanted to be, but I was right where I needed to be.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I thought the BFD scholarship was gonna be easy money, but I was dead wrong. At least I was finally about to get paid.
Mr. Omar: Here you go. A voucher for $250 worth of books.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Books?
Chris: Books?
Julius: Books?
Mr. Omar: Well, you didn't think you were getting cash, did you? Good night.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Tragic.
Julius: [to Chris] You owe me a hundred dollars.

Quote from Manny

Adult Chris: [v.o.] For as long as I can remember, music was a part of my life. And in 1986, the biggest act in the world was Run-DMC.
Risky: What you listening to, young blood? Young blood... what you listening to?
Chris: Run-DMC.
Manny: What kind of name is "Run"? Ain't that a verb, everybody? [men chuckling]

Quote from Adult Chris

Mr. Omar: All you have to do is sign right here and you're the new BFD scholar.
Chris: Good. Now when do I get the money?
Mr. Omar: Oh, as soon as you're done with the program.
Chris: Will I be done with the program by tomorrow at 6:00?
Mr. Omar: Oh, it's gonna take longer than that to learn all you need to know about death.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] No, it's not, because right now I'm having a heart attack.

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