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‘Everybody Hates the BFD’ Quotes Page 1 of 4

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates the BFD

316. Everybody Hates the BFD

Aired April 6, 2008

Chris takes a scholarship at Mr. Omar's funeral home so he can afford tickets to see Run-DMC. Meanwhile, Rochelle is on bed rest after injuring her arm punishing Drew.

Quote from Risky

Manny: Going to that concert?
Chris: I wish. It's sold out.
Risky: I've got a guy that's gonna give me two tickets tomorrow. They're yours for $200.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I don't have $200.
Chris: I'll take 'em.
Risky: Okay, I'll have them tomorrow at 6:00. And I'm gonna need cash. Now I don't take check, credit, pesos, rubles, wampums, ducats or wherewithal.
Chris: No problem.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] As long as you can also loan me $200.

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Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While I was hurting for cash, my mother was in pain.
Nurse: So the chart says you got pain in your shoulder. How did you do this?
Rochelle: I was reaching for something and I must've overextended.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's one way of putting it.
[flashback to Rochelle holding a belt behind a bent-over Drew:]
Rochelle: Boy, didn't I tell you about throwing that ball?!
Drew: Mama, I didn't mean to break it, I'm sorry.
Rochelle: Oh, your behind gonna be sorry. [cracking] Ow! Ow!
[present:]
Nurse: Went too far back on the wind-up, didn't you?
Rochelle: Yeah! You know that boy broke a $60 lamp when I told him do not throw a ball in the house.

Quote from Doc

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While I waited for my scholarship money, I was researching other ways to get some cash.
Doc: Give you an advance on your pay?
Chris: Yeah, and I'll pay you back soon as I get my scholarship money.
Doc: That sounds like a good plan. But what happens if you get killed?
Chris: I haven't thought about that.
Doc: Ain't that nothing. You learning about death and ain't even thought about dying. Death can happen at any moment, son. It can happen when you're happy, when you're sad, or when you owe somebody money.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Translation: no.

Quote from Greg

Greg: Hey, what happened? Where were you? I can't believe you missed it.
Chris: Got tied up at the funeral home.
Greg: Ha, I told you that scholarship thing was a bad idea.
Chris: It's all right. I'll catch 'em next time.
Greg: Next time? There won't be a next time. It was incredible. It was Aerosmith and Run-DMC singing "Walk This Way." I couldn't believe it, man. And then...
Adult Chris: [v.o.] When I saw someone in distress, I gave comfort. Greg had a different approach.

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father held onto cash so tight, George Washington couldn't breathe.

Quote from Greg

Chris: Oh, my dad loaned it to me and I'm gonna pay him back with my scholarship money.
Greg: What scholarship?
Chris: BFD.
Greg: Never heard of that one before. But I'm guessing acronyms today... Black Funeral Directors.
Chris: Yeah, you have a scholarship?
Greg: Yeah, I've got four: Future Physicists, Future Pharmacists, Future Futurists, and Sons of Izzo.
Chris: Who's Izzo?
Greg: It's an Italian thing, you wouldn't understand.

Quote from Julius

Julius: Can you pass me the big piece of toast?

Quote from Manny

Mr. Omar: Manny, you mind if I leave these here?
Manny: What is it?
Mr. Omar: Applications for my BFD Scholarship.
Risky: BFD?
Mr. Omar: Black Funeral Directors.
Manny: What I was thinking wasn't even close. [chuckles] You, too, right?

Quote from Adult Chris

Mr. Omar: So if you know of any young men who would like to learn about the wonderful world of death, this scholarship is worth $250.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Sounds like ticket money to me.
Chris: I'm interested.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Interested in free money.
Mr. Omar: Oh, I didn't know you were interested in the bereaved and deceased.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I'm not.
Mr. Omar: This is a lot easier than I thought it would be.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I was thinking the exact same thing.

Quote from Rochelle

Nurse: Next time, just stretch first.
Rochelle: Stretch?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Nothing helps you give better ass whuppings than yoga.
Nurse: It's part of the proper technique.
[fantasy: a doctor addresses the camera:]
Dr. Information: There are various techniques that you can use to avoid injury while delivering an ass whupping. There's the Two-Cheek Cross, the Roundhouse Booty Buster, or my personal favorite: the Kunta Kinte Will Breaker. In the wrong hands, a beating can be called child abuse. But in the right hands, it could be the difference between raising a Bill Gates or a Bobby Brown.
[reality:]
Nurse: Read this. If you rest your arm in a sling for a week, you'll be fine.
Rochelle: A week? I can't rest for a week. I got to cook and clean.
Nurse: You're hurt. Make those kids do it.
Rochelle: Strap me up.
Nurse: Mm-hmm.

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