Julius: What's all this?
Rochelle: Well, I just thought that since we're going to a nice restaurant, we need to brush up on our manners. I don't want y'all in there embarrassing me.
Julius: For a free meal, I don't care if y'all showed up butt-naked with socks on.
Drew: If we were butt-naked, we wouldn't have socks on, would we?
Tonya: We're not even there yet, and I'm already embarrassed.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] We were trying to get an autograph, but were getting more than we signed up for.
Drew: Chris, I'm sorry, man. I-I don't know what I was thinking. Like Wayne Gretzky would be hanging out in some hotel lobby. Let's go home, man.
Chris: [scoffs] Wait, wait, wait. We can't just give up, especially when Mom is beating the living daylights out of me. I don't want to feel like a fool 'cause it was all for nothing. We just got to use our heads. What do you know about Gretzky?
Drew: Well, I know he's a season all-time-assist leader, his mom loves soup, and he has a sandwich named after him called "The Great One."
Chris: What's in it?
Drew: Hmm, Canadian bacon, maple syrup, oh, and a pickle. Oh, and it comes in a bun shaped like a hockey stick.
Chris: Sounds awful.
Drew: I never had one. It was invented by this chef named Jean Lafleur.
Chris: [clicks tongue] Man, you know way too much stuff about this guy, Drew.
Drew: Hey, you know, he works in a hotel here on Long Island.
Chris: Who, Gretzky?
Drew: No, stupid. Jean Lafleur.

Drew: Hey, Mom, what happened to your hair?
Rochelle: That is not the way you give a woman a compliment, Drew.
Drew: I wasn't giving a compliment, I was just trying to find out what happened.
Julius: Whatever happened, it looks nice.
Tonya: What did happen?
Rochelle: Nothing happened!
Chris: Something happened. All the hair on the right side of your head is missing.
Drew: Maybe aliens came and cut it so they could put a probe in your ear.
Rochelle: I do not have a probe in my ear.
Drew: You sure?

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While Greg looked for acceptance, Doc looked for business.
Drew: Is all this stuff past the expiration date?
Doc: Yeah. I remember back when I couldn't keep a shelf stocked. I can't figure out why people don't come in here no more.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Because you don't sell crack.
Drew: Could be because there's a negative flow of energy.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Or because you don't sell crack.
Doc: What you talking about?
Drew: Feng shui. It's the Chinese practice of achieving harmony in one's environment through the placement of objects. I think feng shui is the reason Mr. Fong's restaurant is always so packed.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And because Mr. Fong sells crack.
Doc: Feng shui, huh? I thought I was gonna have to sell crack. Eh, what the hay. Do your thing.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Meanwhile, Drew got a special delivery from the see-through women's clothing fairy.
Drew: Cool. [puts on the X-ray glasses] Oh, dang! [to the woman] Excuse me. I know this may sound weird, but do you by chance have two sets of the exact same clothes on?
Woman: Yes. But what does that have to do with anything?
Drew: Oh, nothing. Just asking.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] I wanted to do well on the PSAT, but my mother wanted me to do better.
Rochelle: Look at this, Chris. You could get a National Merit Scholarship. If you get enough answers right, you get money, like on Jeopardy.
Drew: Actually, on Jeopardy, you have to get the questions right.
Rochelle: Actually, nobody asked you.

Boy: When Americans talk about dance, it's always Michael Jackson, but I think that if more people were to see Baryshnikov, they would feel differently.
Drew: Oh, really? Well, a lot of people saw him dance in White Nights and they're still talking about Michael Jackson. I'm more of a Boogaloo Shrimp fan myself.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While I was dodging another bullet, raindrops kept falling on my father's head.
Drew: This place is amazing. They got free shampoo, conditioner and soap. It was kind of hard to go to the bathroom with that strip of paper across the seat. I did it, though. [bed vibrates] This is great. Dad, we got to get one of these.

Mr. Omar: Two jacks. I got 20.
Drew: I've got five. Hit me.
Tonya: That's eight.
Drew: Hit me.
Tonya: That's ten.
Drew: Hit me.
Tonya: That's fifteen.
Drew: Hit me.
Tonya: Nineteen.
Drew: Hit me.
Mr. Omar: Are there any face cards in the deck?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] You'll see.
Tonya: That's 20.
Drew: Hit me.
Tonya: Another ace?
Drew: [laughs] Twenty-one.
Mr. Omar: Tragic. Tragic!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Mr. Omar would like to hit him one more time.
Drew: [holding the cash to Mr. Omar's nose] Smell good?

Chris: What's wrong with you?
Drew: What?
Chris: You knew I like Keisha. Now you're up here kissing her?
Drew: I... I didn't even know you liked her. And besides, I wasn't kissing her. She was kissing me.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He used that same excuse with a woman's husband ten years later and it worked.