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‘Everybody Hates the English Teacher’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates the English Teacher

404. Everybody Hates the English Teacher

Aired October 24, 2008

Chris talks his new English teacher into letting the class watch movies based on books instead of reading. Meanwhile, Julius's plan to raise Mr. Omar's rent backfires when he calls in the building inspector.

Quote from Drew

Drew: 21.
Mr. Omar: You hit on 17?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] What Mr. Omar didn't know was that when it came to numbers, Drew was like my father.
Drew: Wow, that's 562,002 granules of sugar.
Drew: Wow, that's 357,000 raindrops.
Drew: Wow, that's one cupcake.


Quote from Risky

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While my father read his code violations, I decided to skip reading altogether.
Risky: All right. The Invisible Dog, The Invisible Mice, Shaft-- Oh. How did that get in there? All right. One Nation Invisible, Now You See 'Em, Now You Don't, Peek-a-boo-- That's cute. That's for kids. Hard To See... Oh, ah. The Invisible Man. Here you go.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] After watching The Invisible Man, I managed to do in a few hours what it was taking Greg a few days to do.
Greg: So how do you like the book so far?
Chris: Oh, it was great. I already turned in my report.
Greg: Already turned it in? I'm only, like, halfway through the book. I've never seen you crank out a book report this fast.
Chris: I didn't read the book. I watched the movie.
Greg: Wait, what movie?
Chris: The Invisible Man. You know, the guy drinks the serum, disappears.
Greg: Dude, the movie The Invisible Man has absolutely nothing to do with the book Invisible Man. I don't know what you wrote, but whatever it is, you better hope Ms. Rivera doesn't read it.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Too bad I didn't write that paper in invisible ink.

Quote from Rochelle

Julius: Rochelle, it's not like you didn't have anything to do with it. Every time I turn around, you're quitting another job.
Rochelle: Since when?
Julius: Since whenever. I'm just saying, I hope you like being at the beauty salon, because if you find a job you really like, maybe I wouldn't have to keep two jobs.
Rochelle: Oh. Oh, oh, wait a minute. So you're saying that you think I use the fact that you have two jobs as a reason to quit a job?
Julius: I didn't say that.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] But she did.
Rochelle: I do not need this. My man has two jobs.
Rochelle: I don't need this, man! My man has two jobs!
Rochelle: I do not need this, okay? My man has two jobs.

Quote from Kill Moves

Monk: So what made you think of this anyway, Chris?
Chris: Oh, well, I remembered that Jaws was a book before a movie, so I figured they made a movie out of The Invisible Man.
Kill Moves: I wish they'd start making movies into books. Popcorn gettin' expensive.
Chris: Right. Um, you guys mind if I watch this in here? Yeah.
Risky: Yeah. Go right ahead, man.
Monk: So who's in it anyway?
Kill Moves: Probably Sidney Poitier. Or Jim Brown. My man.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Jim Brown was actually the second choice to Sydney Poitier for the lead in many roles, including Guess Who's Coming to Dinner.

Quote from Mr. Omar

Drew: Is that all you watch? The Munsters?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He watches The Addams Family too.
Mr. Omar: Hey, what's not to love? Lily? Now, that's a woman. Shame her husband's already dead.

Quote from Chris

Ms. Rivera: Chris, you're a good writer. That's why I gave you an incomplete. You're gonna have to read the book though. Why didn't you just do what I told you to do?
Chris: 'Cause, if we're writing about the same story, what difference does it make whether I saw the movie or read the book?
Ms. Rivera: Hey, I like movies too. In fact, one of my favorites is, uh, Rocky.
Chris: I love Rocky.
Ms. Rivera: "I'll wait for you here."
Chris: "How about I wait here and you fight, huh?"
Ms. Rivera: Do you remember "They call me Mr. Tibbs"?
Chris: In The Heat of The Night.
Ms. Rivera: "What's your prediction for the fight?"
Chris: "Pain."
Both: Rocky III.

Quote from Drew

Mr. Omar: Two jacks. I got 20.
Drew: I've got five. Hit me.
Tonya: That's eight.
Drew: Hit me.
Tonya: That's ten.
Drew: Hit me.
Tonya: That's fifteen.
Drew: Hit me.
Tonya: Nineteen.
Drew: Hit me.
Mr. Omar: Are there any face cards in the deck?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] You'll see.
Tonya: That's 20.
Drew: Hit me.
Tonya: Another ace?
Drew: [laughs] Twenty-one.
Mr. Omar: Tragic. Tragic!
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Mr. Omar would like to hit him one more time.
Drew: [holding the cash to Mr. Omar's nose] Smell good?

Quote from Ms. Morello

Ms. Morello: What is going on here?
Ms. Rivera: Ms. Morello, instead of writing reports about books like we usually do, I thought I would switch it up by watching movies based on books, and write about those.
Ms. Morello: Ms. Rivera, I don't know what they do in Puerto Rico, but changing curriculum is unacceptable. I hope you realize this is a very serious offense. You could lose your job. Comprende?
Ms. Rivera: I'm sorry. I didn't know.
Ms. Morello: Dios mio! Where would you get such a ridiculous idea?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I didn't think Ms. Rivera had heat vision, but I turned away to protect my eyes just in case.

Quote from Ms. Morello

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Ms. Rivera took my idea to watch movies in class and ended up getting the book thrown at her.
Chris: I hope she doesn't get into too much trouble. I like Ms. Rivera.
Greg: You know, I knew this was gonna happen. This is why I'm a conformist.
Chris: I don't see what the big deal is. The idea is for us to learn. Who cares how we do it?
Ms. Morello: There he is. He's the one that inspired it all.
Chris: Inspired all of what?
Ms. Morello: Well, when I spoke to the superintendent about what was going on in class, I thought we would fire Ms. Rivera immediately and have her deported, but it turns out... she's an American citizen.

Quote from Drew

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Back at home, Mr. Omar was trying to get himself out of what he got himself into.
Drew: What are you doing here? I thought you went back upstairs.
Mr. Omar: Drew, I was wondering if you could make me a little loan.
Drew: For what?
Mr. Omar: Well, it seems the only thing standing between me getting back in my apartment is a new circuit-breaker panel, but it costs $300 and neither me nor your father have the money.
Drew: True. I can loan you the money. Turn around.
Mr. Omar: Thank goodness. I really appreciate this, Drew.
Drew: And it'll only cost you twelve easy payments of $30 a month.
Mr. Omar: But that's $360.
Drew: I know.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Drew went on to make a fortune selling sub-prime mortgages.
Drew: [points to the door] Please. Thank you.

Quote from Mr. Omar

Rochelle: What's all this?
Mr. Omar: Oh, I bought the breaker panel myself, so it's not gonna cost you a penny.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That was music to my father's ears.
Mr. Randall: Looks good. You can move back in.
Mr. Omar: Oh, however, I'm gonna take the cost of the panel and deduct it from my rent.
Rochelle: Fine. That's fine, right?
Julius: [cash register clacking and dinging] That means your rent'll be exactly what it is now.
Mr. Omar: I know.

Quote from Greg

Greg: This is great. Invisible Man. It's about time we pay homage to the revolutionaries.
Chris: Are you crazy? We have five days to read this book and write a report. I can't even get through the title without falling asleep.
Greg: Dude, you're looking at this all wrong.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's what I said to Greg when he saw his first Playboy centerfold.
Chris: No, I'm looking at this like I'll never get it done. How are you looking at it?
Greg: Look at it like you're about to make the best friend a guy can have: a book.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Greg felt that way until this happened:
[flash-forward to a 30-year-old Greg with an attractive woman:]
Woman: What's it gonna be, Greg? Me or Lord of the Rings?
Older Greg: [tosses the book away] Sorry, man. [kisses her]

Quote from Julius

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While I struggled with my English class, my father struggled with home economics.
Julius: I think we need to raise Mr. Omar's rent.
Rochelle: Ooh, he's not going to like that. You know how Mr. Omar is.
Julius: I don't care how he is. You think I can tell that to the phone company? "I-I'd love to pay, but you know how I am."
Rochelle: All I'm saying is, he's a good tenant. I don't want to lose him.
Julius: If we lose the house, we don't have to worry about losing a tenant.
Rochelle: I know that, but maybe we can look at some other areas.
Julius: What other areas, Rochelle? What? You want me to knock over a bank?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Now you're thinking.
Julius: Get Peaches and Malvo, and rob a liquor store? Look. I made up my mind. I'm raising Mr. Omar's rent.

Quote from Mr. Omar

Rochelle: Hi, Mr. Omar.
Julius: Who's this?
Mr. Randall: I'm Mr. Randall.
Mr. Omar: He's the building inspector.
Rochelle: Building inspector?
Mr. Randall: After an inspection of Mr. Omar's apartment, I've found the following violations.
Julius: Violations?
Mr. Randall: To justify any rent increase, you'll have to bring the cited items up to code.
Mr. Omar: Uh-huh. 'Cause I don't mind paying more rent, but everything gotta be right. You know how I am.

Quote from Rochelle

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While I was trying not to fail English, my parents were trying not to fail inspection.
Rochelle: I said it. I said, look in some other areas, maybe trim a little here or there, but no. No. Ole Truck Turner here had a better idea.
Julius: Rochelle.
Rochelle: It just burns me up to think that we're up here working, while he's downstairs in our house, chilling.
Julius: Oh, he's not that bad.
Rochelle: Not bad? Julius, in one night he managed to drink all the Kool-Aid, file his toenails on my table, and keep me up half the night playing records.
Julius: Okay, maybe he is a little nuisance.
Rochelle: Yeah, like cancer.

Quote from Chris

Chris: See, if you love movies so much, why can't we just write papers on those? I'd get an "A" every time.
Ms. Rivera: That's a good idea, Chris, but I've been given a curriculum and I cannot deviate from that.
Chris: Well, the curriculum isn't working. Half the class is asleep.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That was the year Congress passed No Child Left Awake.
Ms. Rivera: I don't like to make waves. Besides, it wouldn't make any difference.
Chris: "I find your lack of faith disturbing."
Ms. Rivera: Darth Vader.
Chris: I'm gonna go work on my paper.
Ms. Rivera: Chris.
Chris: Yeah?
Ms. Rivera: Let's do it.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Years later, those very same words would send Mary Kay Letourneau to jail.

Quote from Ms. Morello

Superintendent: I love what you've been doing and I really wanted to meet you.
Ms. Morello: Chris, she told us this was your idea.
Chris: Yeah, it kinda was.
Superintendent: Good job, young man. I'm sure that your parents are very proud. Why don't we get one with all of us?
Ms. Morello: Most Black men can't make their inability to read work for them.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Tell that to 50 Cent.

Quote from Adult Chris

Chris: Look, last time I saw Ms. Rivera, she was loading things into her car. She didn't tell me where she was going.
Agent Barnes: Name's not "Ms. Rivera." It's Karen Rodriguez. But you already knew that, didn't you?
Chris: No, I didn't. What'd she do, anyway?
Ms. Morello: Did she sneak across the border?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] The Puerto Rican border?
Agent Barnes: She embezzled a quarter of a million dollars from the teachers' pension plan in Moab, Utah.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I'm not sure what's more shocking: the fact that a teachers pension plan had a quarter of a million dollars or that there was a Puerto Rican in Utah.

Quote from Joey Caruso

Woman: Today we will be reading about the wonders of air. Are there any questions? I didn't think so. Let's begin.
[later, Caruso punches Chris as he leaves the class room:]
Chris: What was that for?
Joey Caruso: For making a boring class exciting, then boring again. Thanks for nothing, Clubber.

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