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‘Everybody Hates Spring Break’ Quotes Page 1 of 5

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Spring Break

417. Everybody Hates Spring Break

Aired March 20, 2009

Spring Break gets off to a bad start when Chris hits Greg with the Janitor's car. Meanwhile, Julius takes Drew and Tonya to the beach.

Quote from Drew

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While I was dodging another bullet, raindrops kept falling on my father's head.
Drew: This place is amazing. They got free shampoo, conditioner and soap. It was kind of hard to go to the bathroom with that strip of paper across the seat. I did it, though. [bed vibrates] This is great. Dad, we got to get one of these.

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Quote from Greg

Adult Chris: [v.o.] In all the years of school, there was nothing I loved better than summer vacation, and the next best thing was spring break.
Greg: Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we're free at last!
Chris: Greg? It's spring break, not the end of racism.
Greg: Well, I'm celebrating now, 'cause once I get up to Lake Winnipesaukee with my mom and dad, it's not going to be good.
Chris: I thought your parents split up.
Greg: They did, but neither one will give up the time share, so I taking the bus to meet them for a weekend of fishing and drinking and fighting.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Don't forget crying.

Quote from Greg

Adult Chris: [v.o.] After I talked to the cops, I was hoping they were drawing a whole new conclusion.
Greg: Man, I hope this is over.
Chris: Trust me. Unlike you, I described a guy they'll never be able to find. Kristoff St. John.
Greg: Thanks for making me breakfast, Chris, but can you go down to Doc's and get some orange juice? I hate to ask, but, you know, I can't walk.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And you won't be able to eat when I hit you upside the head with the frying pan.
Chris: It's raining.
Greg: Dude, you hit me with a car, broke my leg, and then made me lie to the cops. I think the least you can do is get me some OJ.
Chris: Fine.

Quote from Adult Chris

Chris: Greg? Oh. Greg? Wake up. Look, Greg, wake up.
Greg: Aw.
Chris: Wake up, Greg!
Greg: Aw! Dude, you hit me with a car.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Sounds like the title of an Ashton Kutcher movie.

Quote from Drew

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While I was making it clear that I didn't hit Greg, my family was getting ready to hit the road.
Tonya: When are we leaving?
Drew: We'll head for the beach as soon as Chris gets home.
Tonya: Can't we just leave him?
Julius: No.
Drew: Can you just leave me? I hate the sand. I don't know where it comes from, and it gets into places you can't get it out of.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Like broke cousins.

Quote from Tonya

Tonya: I'm going to bury you in the sand at low tide if you don't shut up.
Drew: Nobody wants to go on this stupid trip besides you.

Quote from Chris

Chris: So it's cool. My mom said you can stay with us.
Greg: Well, what about your vacation?
Chris: Nobody wanted to go on that stupid trip but Tonya. Drew doesn't like the sand, I get sun rash, and ever since my mom saw Jaws and The Amityville Horror, she won't step foot on Long Island.

Quote from Greg

Chris: So, what did you tell the cops?
Greg: Don't worry. I described a guy they'll never find.
[later, another police line-up:]
Kristoff St. John: Man, I didn't hit a kid with a car. This is New York City. I take the subway everywhere or I walk. I don't even drive.
Greg: Isn't that Kristoff St. John?
Detective Marino: Yep.
Greg: That's not him.
Detective Marino: That guy is this guy.
Greg: I'm telling you, it's not him. I must have been nervous.
Detective Marino: Take another look. [Kristoff St. John is now holding a steering wheel]
Greg: Kristoff St. John didn't hit me.

Quote from Chris

Greg: Hey, want to grab a bite?
Chris: Nah, I got to get home. We're headed out to Amityville Beach. My dad wants to be on the road by 4:00.
Greg: Well, that sounds nice.
Janitor: [drives by] Hey, you're that Black kid.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Hey, you're that White janitor.
Chris: Except for the fact that I hate the beach. Last time I was there, I got sun rash.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Man, cool ride.
Janitor: Thanks. It's my cousin's. 350 cubic inch engine, 240 horsepower, huh?
Chris: What I have to do to get a car like this?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Steal it.
Janitor: Want to take it for a spin?
Chris: You serious?
Janitor: Sure. Five bucks.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He was like the Don "Magic" Juan of Camaros.

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