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‘Everybody Hates Spring Break’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates Spring Break

417. Everybody Hates Spring Break

Aired March 20, 2009

Spring Break gets off to a bad start when Chris hits Greg with the Janitor's car. Meanwhile, Julius takes Drew and Tonya to the beach.

Quote from Drew

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While I was dodging another bullet, raindrops kept falling on my father's head.
Drew: This place is amazing. They got free shampoo, conditioner and soap. It was kind of hard to go to the bathroom with that strip of paper across the seat. I did it, though. [bed vibrates] This is great. Dad, we got to get one of these.

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Quote from Greg

Adult Chris: [v.o.] In all the years of school, there was nothing I loved better than summer vacation, and the next best thing was spring break.
Greg: Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we're free at last!
Chris: Greg? It's spring break, not the end of racism.
Greg: Well, I'm celebrating now, 'cause once I get up to Lake Winnipesaukee with my mom and dad, it's not going to be good.
Chris: I thought your parents split up.
Greg: They did, but neither one will give up the time share, so I taking the bus to meet them for a weekend of fishing and drinking and fighting.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Don't forget crying.

Quote from Greg

Adult Chris: [v.o.] After I talked to the cops, I was hoping they were drawing a whole new conclusion.
Greg: Man, I hope this is over.
Chris: Trust me. Unlike you, I described a guy they'll never be able to find. Kristoff St. John.
Greg: Thanks for making me breakfast, Chris, but can you go down to Doc's and get some orange juice? I hate to ask, but, you know, I can't walk.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] And you won't be able to eat when I hit you upside the head with the frying pan.
Chris: It's raining.
Greg: Dude, you hit me with a car, broke my leg, and then made me lie to the cops. I think the least you can do is get me some OJ.
Chris: Fine.

Quote from Adult Chris

Chris: Greg? Oh. Greg? Wake up. Look, Greg, wake up.
Greg: Aw.
Chris: Wake up, Greg!
Greg: Aw! Dude, you hit me with a car.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Sounds like the title of an Ashton Kutcher movie.

Quote from Drew

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While I was making it clear that I didn't hit Greg, my family was getting ready to hit the road.
Tonya: When are we leaving?
Drew: We'll head for the beach as soon as Chris gets home.
Tonya: Can't we just leave him?
Julius: No.
Drew: Can you just leave me? I hate the sand. I don't know where it comes from, and it gets into places you can't get it out of.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Like broke cousins.

Quote from Tonya

Tonya: I'm going to bury you in the sand at low tide if you don't shut up.
Drew: Nobody wants to go on this stupid trip besides you.

Quote from Chris

Chris: So it's cool. My mom said you can stay with us.
Greg: Well, what about your vacation?
Chris: Nobody wanted to go on that stupid trip but Tonya. Drew doesn't like the sand, I get sun rash, and ever since my mom saw Jaws and The Amityville Horror, she won't step foot on Long Island.

Quote from Greg

Chris: So, what did you tell the cops?
Greg: Don't worry. I described a guy they'll never find.
[later, another police line-up:]
Kristoff St. John: Man, I didn't hit a kid with a car. This is New York City. I take the subway everywhere or I walk. I don't even drive.
Greg: Isn't that Kristoff St. John?
Detective Marino: Yep.
Greg: That's not him.
Detective Marino: That guy is this guy.
Greg: I'm telling you, it's not him. I must have been nervous.
Detective Marino: Take another look. [Kristoff St. John is now holding a steering wheel]
Greg: Kristoff St. John didn't hit me.

Quote from Chris

Greg: Hey, want to grab a bite?
Chris: Nah, I got to get home. We're headed out to Amityville Beach. My dad wants to be on the road by 4:00.
Greg: Well, that sounds nice.
Janitor: [drives by] Hey, you're that Black kid.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Hey, you're that White janitor.
Chris: Except for the fact that I hate the beach. Last time I was there, I got sun rash.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Man, cool ride.
Janitor: Thanks. It's my cousin's. 350 cubic inch engine, 240 horsepower, huh?
Chris: What I have to do to get a car like this?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Steal it.
Janitor: Want to take it for a spin?
Chris: You serious?
Janitor: Sure. Five bucks.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He was like the Don "Magic" Juan of Camaros.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] White man down! White man down!
Janitor: Oh, man.
Chris: Greg, you okay?
Janitor: Who taught you how to drive?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Halle Berry.

Quote from Chris

Janitor: Okay, let's get him in the trunk.
Chris: What?!
Janitor: Look, I got a rap sheet as long as your arm. My PO thinks that I hit this kid, I'm going back to jail for another 20 years.
Greg: [groans]
Chris: I'll take care of it.
Janitor: You mean, take care, take care?
Chris: No! I'll-- I'll... I'll take him to the hospital, and they'll take care of him.
Janitor: All right, I'm counting on you. As long as nobody talks, we won't have any problems.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] He should be a marriage counselor.

Quote from Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] After running Greg down, my biggest concern was getting him to shut up.
Greg: This is just great. Just because I didn't want to spend the week arguing didn't mean I wanted to get hit by a car.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That'll teach you to be more specific.
Chris: Be quiet! I did not hit you.
Greg: Uh, yeah, you did.
Chris: Shh!

Quote from Greg

Ms. Morello: Gregory? I spoke with the doctor, and he says you can't be released unless you have an adult to take you home.
Greg: Well, are my parents coming to get me?
Ms. Morello: Well... no. The hospital can keep you for up to four days, and your parents' vacation is for five. They think you're in good hands here, and so they'll pick you up on Friday.
Greg: Great.

Quote from Greg

Greg: So, where were we? Oh, that's right. You were trying to explain how you didn't run me over.
Chris: No, I didn't.
Greg: So that wasn't you behind the steering wheel when my face smashed up against the windshield?
Chris: No, because if I had hit you, that meant I was driving someone's car. And that someone would go to jail for a really, really, really long time if we snitched. So not only would you be hurt, but he would be hurt, also, and don't you think enough people have been hurt already?
Greg: Okay, I get it. You didn't hit me.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Spoken just like Tina Turner.
Chris: Thank you.
Greg: You're welcome. But, uh, just between you and me... [holds Chris's face] I know it was you, Chris. I know it was you.

Quote from Julius

Julius: Is everything okay?
Rochelle: No. Chris is at the hospital.
Julius: What?!
Rochelle: He's fine. Greg was involved in a hit-and-run accident.
Julius: Oh, that's good.
Rochelle: His leg is broken.

Quote from Rochelle

Rochelle: I'm gonna have to go pick them up.
Julius: All right. Kids, take this and all your stuff to the car. We were supposed to be leaving for Amityville.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] She doesn't want to go to Amityville.
Rochelle: I know, baby, but maybe you guys should go ahead without us.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Told you.
Julius: What? We've been saving up for this trip for weeks.
Rochelle: I know, baby, but you know what? Greg's parents are out of town, and he'll have to stay in the hospital a whole week if I don't get him. I'm disappointed, Chris is disappointed. It's horrible.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] In other words, she doesn't want to go.
Julius: Are you sure?
Rochelle: Yes, I'm sure. Go ahead. Go ahead. You guys enjoy yourself at the beach. Love you. Bye. I'm gonna miss you.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] No, she won't.
Rochelle: Bye.

Quote from Tonya

Tonya: [o.s.] Ma, tell him, Black people go to the beach.
Drew: [o.s.] Ma, they don't.

Quote from Adult Chris

Greg: What's going on?
Gloria: The Uncle of Sam got somebody else.
Chris: You mean the Son of Sam?
Gloria: Nah, they got him. This is the Uncle of Sam. He doesn't kill people, he chokes them.
Greg: He chokes people?
Gloria: Unconscious. Over seven people so far.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Yet that mole still lives.
Gloria: All right, baby, now, that's gonna itch, but you'll get used to it.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Unlike that mole.
Gloria: [off Chris's look] What?
Chris: Nothing.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That mole is so big, SAG made us give it a screen credit.

Quote from Greg

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Later, I found out that just because Greg and I weren't talking didn't mean nobody was asking.
Ms. Morello: Gregory, this officer needs to ask you a few questions.
Detective Marino: Son, do you know who hit you?
Greg: Uh...
Detective Marino: Was it a Black guy?
Chris: Um, Greg's pretty tired. I think maybe we should do this later.
Detective Marino: I know you're probably still in shock, but I'd like you to take a look at a few guys, see if you recognize anybody.
[Detective Marino pulls the bed curtain to reveal a line-up of four Black men]
Ms. Morello: Oh, my.
Greg: I don't think it was any of these guys.
Detective Marino: What about this one? Looks pretty mean.
Black Nurse: Hey, man, I work here.

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