Sam: What's got you so upset?
Frasier: Some college professor has just published an article that refutes everything I said in my last paper.
Cliff: Sounds like a shoot-out at the cuckoo corral.
Frasier: What could motivate an honored and distinguished colleague to launch a personal attack like this?
Sam: Well, now, maybe it's just a, you know, honest difference of opinion between scholars.
Frasier: Oh, goose poop, Sam, the man's a yahoo.

Sam: [on the phone] Hello? This is Anton Kreitzer! I'm calling about the corvette you bought from a Mr. Sam Malone! Yeah, well, give it back right now! [normal voice] No, no, don't hang up. Don't hang up, please. It's not Kreitzer, it's Sam. I want my car back. Please? I'm having seller's remorse. All right, listen, I'll tell you what. I'll pay you 500 more than you bought it for. All right, wait, wait, wait. I'll pay you 1,000 more than you bought it for.
Frasier: Excuse me, Sam.
Sam: Can you hold on just a second, please?
Frasier: As a trained psychiatrist, I'm well-versed in the art of human persuasion. I think I can handle this for you. [on the phone] Lilith, damn it, give Sam his car back immediately! [hangs up] There. Probably getting tired of those speeding tickets, anyway.

Norm: Sammy would never withhold information like that.
Carla: No. He lives to talk about that stuff.
Norm: And we live to hear about it.
Cliff: Aw, it's a symbiotic relationship. Much like that between the shark and the tiny pilot fish that constantly swims around its mouth picking out the little bits of meat.
Frasier: I suppose you're now going to tell me that if George Washington had had a pilot fish, he wouldn't have needed wooden dentures.
Woody: Now you're getting up to speed, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Yeah. Yeah. And then he could have, uh, swum across the Delaware to defeat the Hessians.
Woody: [laughing] No Dr. Crane, try to understand. It's only the president's face that changes.
Cliff: It's not like he grew fins or something.

Cliff: Yeah, I bet you nobody even remembers what started the silly argument in the first place.
Woody: I do. Sam cut up his gold card. [laughs] That was funny.
Sam: Woody, come on, we're, uh... You know, I apologized for that. We're beyond that right now.
Frasier: Is that it? That is the sum total of your contrition? I mean, I know you're not Walt Whitman, Sam, but I mean, really a couple more "uhs" and "you knows" would at least lend it a little creditability.
Sam: Well, you didn't let me finish, Frasier. I was going to say that I'm sorry that you were such a big jerk yesterday and that you're such a big baby today.
Frasier: Well, that tears it. When I walk out this time, believe me when I tell you that I will never brighten this door again.

Frasier: She thinks it's all very childish.
Lilith: No, I don't. Oh, tell your little friends all about your big field trip.
Frasier: Primal journey, Lilith. You see, I'm just gonna get into my car and go. Out on the open road. I'm taking a week off. I'm gonna get in touch with my hidden beast.
Sam: Ah, good luck.
Frasier: Thanks, Sam. You know, actually I was gonna invite you to join me. You see, I get a little nervous when I drive at night.

Frasier: So you're, uh, Shauna's family. You know, when Shauna invited me for dinner, she didn't mention that we'd be having dinner with her whole family. [chuckles] Interestingly enough, many young people today are choosing to move back in with their parents. We call it the, uh, "Full Nest Syndrome."
Father: It wasn't her choice.
Mother: Well, Shauna's made some bad decisions. She's not real good on responsibility.
Frasier: Well, I must say that she, uh, she handled herself quite well this week at my office.
Shauna: Thank you, Dr. Crane. See?!
Father: Oh, yeah, Doctor, I forgot I was getting a professional opinion. Where did you go to school?
Frasier: Harvard.
Father: Well, la-di-da. And is this what they taught you at Harvard? How to take advantage of my daughter?
Frasier: Sir, I am not taking advantage. I was merely invited for an innocent little dinner.
Father: Oh? Just "an innocent little dinner"? Mind if I check your wallet?
Frasier: There's no need for that!

Frasier: Hello, everyone.
Diane: Oh, Frasier. Thank God you're here. What took you so long?
Frasier: I came as soon as I got your message.
Diane: Well, I called your office hours ago.
Frasier: Well, I'd stepped out to Denver.
Diane: Well, if I'd known you were out of town I would never have expected you to come here.
Frasier: Oh, no, no, no. Don't be silly. Listen, I was fed up with Denver anyway. Breathtaking mountains, wide-open spaces, that hauntingly beautiful woman that kept coming onto me in the ski lodge.
Diane: Oh, good. Well, as long as you're here, I wanna talk with you.

Sam: Frasier, she's not going to believe me. Tell her. Come on, tell her.
Frasier: Diane. Diane, just a second. There's something I've got to get off my chest. Uh...
Diane: Yes, Frasier?
Frasier: Knock 'em dead.
Diane: Thank you. [exits]
Frasier: [to Sam] What?!

Sam: Uh, seriously, though, um, I- I think that we're all entitled to our little secrets.
Lilith: Why? They only lead to embarrassment when they're inevitably revealed.
Diane: Exactly. I know I feel better knowing that Frasier has told you he and I were once engaged... [Lilith stands up and heads to the bathroom] so I don't have to worry about you discovering it at some inopportune moment. [Lilith closes the bathroom door]
Frasier: Like now, for instance.

Dr. Finch-Royce: [on the phone] No, darling, I've settled in for the evening. I'm desperate for a bit of peace and quiet, so I'll just have a bite to eat and a bath and pop into bed. Oh, that pompous twit Frasier Crane says hello. Yes, bad as usual, if not worse. Still, you may be amused to know I stuck him for $1,500. [knocking at door] Oh, uh, excuse me, darling. There's someone at the door. Shall we say... Yes, all right. Yes, I love you, too.