Carla Tortelli Quotes Page 1 of 74    

Quote from Cheerio, Cheers

Coach: Carla, what are you looking for? A sign from God? Religious belief is based on faith.
Carla: Yeah, well, I never thought I'd say this, Coach, but I think I've lost faith.
Frasier: Hey, listen up, everybody. I have an announcement to make. Diane here is leaving for Europe and she's not coming back to Cheers ever.
[Carla drops to her knees and prays]
Carla: [sings] I believe for every drop of rain that falls a flower grows. I believe that somewhere in the darkest night a candle glows.


Quote from Rebound, Part 2

Carla: Great, now I got to work another Saturday night by myself. Sam, you promised you weren't going to boink any more waitresses in this joint unless it was me.

Quote from King of the Hill

Diane: Carla, I don't think you should be engaging in strenuous activity when you're with child.
Carla: If I didn't do things with child, I'd never leave the house. The only thing I ever did without child resulted in one.

Quote from Airport V

Carla: I am not afraid to fly. I'm not! I'm afraid to crash.
Tom: Did you have a bad experience?
Carla: Yes, I did! First time in an airplane. It was on my honeymoon with Nick. We're going to New York - short flight, no problem, right? Well, suddenly, the plane hits turbulence, right? Me and Nick were thrown all around that bathroom. I haven't flown since.

Quote from The Improbable Dream (Part 2)

Sam: Carla, I think I care about Rebecca.
Carla: Kill me right now, Sam. Just drive this pool cue right through my heart. You know how many years it's taken me to get over that horrible thing you had with... With...
Sam: Diane.
Carla: Shut up! Shut up, please! I beg you, don't do this to me again!

Quote from The Ghost and Mrs. Lebec

Frasier: Carla, it's all right.
Carla: He's over there! He's over there!
Frasier: Carla, listen to me. Carla, Carla, listen to me. Listen to me. Open your eyes and look around. Now, you see? Nobody's there.
Carla: [screams] Oh, the dead!
Frasier: No, no, Carla, Carla, that's Lilith! Granted, she could use a little sun.

Quote from Crash of the Titans

John: Carla, it's the first of the month. Where's my rent check for the poolroom and the bathrooms?
Carla: Here you are. Buy yourself a melon in case you misplace your head.
John: Thank you. Tell me, Carla, clinically speaking, are you considered a dwarf or a midget?
Carla: Say, is that your head or is your neck blowing a bubble?
John: Somebody phone the authorities in Paris. A gargoyle has just fallen off Notre Dame and is now taking drink orders.
Carla: You know, two heads like that would make a perfectly good butt.
John: Shrike.
Carla: Bullet head.
John: Slattern.
Carla: Hatchet face.
John: Well, must be off. Till next month, then.
Carla: He's good people.

Quote from The Beer Is Always Greener

Norm: Hey, hey, hey, hey, Carla, let me get this straight. You're really not going back to Cheers?
Carla: I know it's a lousy job, Norm, but for the amount of money they're throwing at me, it's nothing I can't take.
Bartender: Carla, uh, I'm gonna put a new trainee with you for the next two weeks. She's a bright girl. She's, uh, an anthropology student at B.U. Ellen! Ellen, come meet Carla.
Ellen: Well, you must be Carla. I know what you're thinking: "She doesn't look like a waitress." That's because I'm really a writer. Or actuellement, a poetess.
Carla: [screams]

Quote from Cry Hard

Carla: You know, the first guy I ever fell in love with did the same thing. He treated me like a dog. He borrowed my car, he sold it, he gave the money to his other girlfriend, and then he didn't even have the decency to apologize. But I got even with him.
Sam: I'll bet you did. What did you do?
Carla: I married him. You remember Nick, huh?

Quote from Battle of the Exes

Carla: Look. You always claim you know the answers to everything. Well, I'm calling your bluff. I am going to give you a chance to handle my problem. I give you 30 seconds. If you blow it, I'm sending you back out there and your face stays here.
Diane: Fair enough.
Carla: My ex-husband is getting remarried tonight. Here's the invite.
Diane: How terrible for you. I understand completely. You've never really stopped loving him. I can see this invitation is soaked with your tears.
Carla: That's my spit. I don't love that rat and I never did. Sure, there were little things I loved about him, like the way he flexed his tattoo. The way the hair grew in his ears. The way he drooled in bed.

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