Diane: The point is that I played this harmless trick on them, and now they're going to get back at me. At first I approached it with my usual good humor, but now I find I'm obsessed. I need your help.
Frasier: Well, I think one or two sessions should clear it up.
Diane: Oh, Frasier, I don't want counselling. I want you to spy on them.
Frasier: Uh-huh.
Diane: Get close to them. Find out what heinous revenge they have planned--! [Diane gasps as a man comes out of the bathrooms]
Frasier: Diane, look at yourself. I mean, no wonder you're such easy fodder for their little pranks. Look, the problem is you take everything so seriously. Take it from me, who used to do the same thing, it's not worth it. I'm much happier now that I let things bounce off of me. Now that I'm happy-go-lucky Frasier Crane.
Diane: Frasier, you're right. I do take things too seriously. I need to lighten up a little.
Frasier: Great. Now that we've taken care of that, do you think there's any chance that you'll ever love me again before I lie mouldering in the grave? Oh, I'm joking, of course. It's just another example of my devil-may-care attitude.

Woody: Wow, Miss Chambers, what kind of poetry are you gonna recite?
Diane: Oh, you too, Woody. Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.
Woody: Well, I hate to burst your bubble, but I've heard that before.

Carla: Hey. Look, The Three Musketeers is coming on in ten minutes.
Sam: All right.
Diane: Oh, good for you two. Excellent choice. Of course, there's no substitution for the Dumas pere novel. But all in all it wasn't a bad translation into film.
Sam: You better believe it. I love all that dueling.
Carla: Yeah, and the best part is when Curly backs into that guard's sword and makes that "boing" sound.
Diane: What makes me think we're not talking about the same film?
Carla: She probably likes Shemp.

Carla: More coffee for Chuckles.
Sam: Who?
Carla: That guy over there. Haven't you noticed him? He's been sitting there for a couple hours drinking coffee and staring at us.
Sam: So, what's the problem?
Carla: I'll tell you what's the problem. He doesn't smile. He doesn't talk. He looks at me like I'm not there. You'd think I'd slept with him or something.

Diane: Well, we were just fantasizing about customers in the bar, making up little stories about them. Two beers, Woody.
Woody: Well, he's probably a writer or a poet or something.
Diane: Oh, that's very good. What do you think he's writing, Woody?
Woody: Well, I hope he's not writing about a boy and his dog who roam through the countryside doing good deeds and drinking beer.
Diane: Why?
Woody: Because that's the story I'm writing.

Sam: Oh, come on, man. Just because he looks like a spy and acts like a spy, it doesn't mean he is a spy, does it?
Norm: I think it pretty much does, Sam.
Diane: Well, it certainly isn't unheard of for an individual to come under some sort of surveillance. As soon as you get into a computer, hundreds of organizations have information about every aspect of your personal life.
Woody: Wow, really?
Diane: Yes. In fact, you could be bugged right now.
Woody: Well, now that you mention it, I am a little ticked, but I guess...

Carla: Okay, if anybody here knows any reason why their personal conduct should be coming under investigation, I hope they have enough hormones to step forward and say so. [long silence]
Cliff: Okay. Okay. I'll bet it's Woody.
Sam: Come on, man. That's crazy.
Diane: Why, Sam? The fact that he's not here to defend himself makes him the perfect choice.
Cliff: Well, yeah, there's that. But, also... Well, what do we know about Woody, huh? I mean, he comes in here off the street out of nowhere. Sam gives him a job. No resume, no nothing, huh? Yeah, for all we know, he could be in cahoots with that guy. I say Woody's a plant.
Carla: Only from the neck up.

Cliff: Well, he just might've infiltrated the bar to keep tabs on you, Norm.
Norm: Me? What for?
Diane: Oh, he's just saying you hypothetically.
Norm: Well.
Cliff: Not really.
Norm: What's that supposed to mean, Cliff? You think I'm some sort of crooked accountant, is that it?
Cliff: No, no, no, Norm. I'm just postulating the possibility there that the IRS might think your accounting's a little creative.
Norm: Oh, yeah? Creative, huh? I say the guy might be a postal investigator, Cliff. You haven't bought a stamp since the Johnson administration. And I'm talking about Andrew, pal. Andrew Johnson.

Frasier: Hello, everyone.
Diane: Oh, Frasier. Thank God you're here. What took you so long?
Frasier: I came as soon as I got your message.
Diane: Well, I called your office hours ago.
Frasier: Well, I'd stepped out to Denver.
Diane: Well, if I'd known you were out of town I would never have expected you to come here.
Frasier: Oh, no, no, no. Don't be silly. Listen, I was fed up with Denver anyway. Breathtaking mountains, wide-open spaces, that hauntingly beautiful woman that kept coming onto me in the ski lodge.
Diane: Oh, good. Well, as long as you're here, I wanna talk with you.

Carla: Woody, let me have a C.C., rocks... Something with a twist and whatever else table ten was drinking.
Sam: Boy, your batteries are running low there, Carla.
Carla: I got two sick kids, kept me up half the night. The neighbor's dog went into heat at 5:00 this morning. And I am in the middle of a double shift here.
Norm: Well, on the bright side, you look like hell.
Sam: Oh, dear. I think this calls for drastic measures. G-6?
Norm: Yeah.
Carla: Oh, no. Not G-6.
[Carla starts dancing as "Shout" by the Isley Brothers plays. When she reaches Sam by the jukebox, she pulls the plug]
Carla: And leave it off.