Paul Krapence Quotes Page 1 of 5

Quote from Is There a Doctor in the Howe?: Part 1

Frasier: Paul! [chuckles] Are you, uh, alone or did you bring some friends, Paul?
Paul: What's that supposed to mean?
Frasier: Well... Nothing. Come on in. Thanks for cheering me up.
Paul: I didn't come here to cheer you up. l, I came to say something. Everybody, there's, there's something I've got to say. Uh, Woody made some comments earlier, and at first I was angry, but then I got to thinking. I took a long hard look at myself. I'm 45 years old, my mother's dead, what am I waiting for? l... I guess what I'm trying to say is "World..."
Sam: Hey, Paul, this is Frasier's night. Do you mind?
Paul: You're right, Sammy. I'm sorry. Is there any pizza left?
Sam: I don't think so, Paul.
Frasier: Just, uh, make yourself at home, Paul.

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Quote from Uncle Sam Wants You

Paul: I don't care what he names it as long as he doesn't bring it in here. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's babies.
Woody: Oh, come on, Mr. Krapence. Wouldn't you like a helpless little guy all soft and cuddly who you could burp every once in a while?
Paul: [looks at Norm] Yeah, we need another one of those.

Quote from Go Make

Paul: Hey, you guys ever hear of something called the Polar Bear Club?
Cliff: Uh...
Paul: Well, it's great. We used to do it all the time where I grew up. Bunch of guys get in their cars. They drive down to the ocean. They strip down to their skivvies and they run right into the water.
Cliff: Uh, I was thinking more of a, uh, belching contest.
Norm: Oh, I don't know, uh, loudest or longest?
Paul: Fine. Fine, but you guys don't know what you're missing. Now, when we were kids we didn't care if it was January or February, we just jumped in that ocean and swam. It felt great. It was like we scored one against winter.
Woody: Hey, if it's good enough for Mr. Krapence.
Frasier: Well, are we up to it, men?
Cliff: All right. Well, uh, well, it's one of the earthly thrills I haven't tried yet. Let's do it!
Guys: [chanting] Polar Bear! Polar Bear! Polar Bear! Polar Bear! Polar Bear! Polar Bear! Polar Bear... [Frasier, Norm, Cliff and Woody march out of the bar]
Carla: So, Paul, where were you brought up?
Paul: Honolulu.

Quote from Do Not Forsake Me O' My Postman

Paul: So, she's pregnant with your child. You gonna go through Lamaze, or, uh, do you figure it'll just burst out through her chest?

Quote from It's Lonely on the Top

Paul: You've got a point there, but Sammy the whole thing is...
Sam: Yeah, no, no, Paul, you don't understand. Please, I've got to ask you: keep this to yourself.
Paul: Sam, you just don't get it. This kind of thing has never happened to me before. And now, with the one time it does happen, I can't even crow about it just a little?
Sam: Yeah, I know. I know how you feel. All right, I tell you what. Why don't you crow in here with me and get it out of your system.
Paul: Well, okay. It won't be quite the same, but... Yes! High five, Sammy! The Paul Monster! [hissing] Give me a P! Give me an A! Give me a U! Give me an L! P-A-U-L! Paul! Paul! Paul! Paul! Paul! Paul! Paul!
Sam: Ah. You through?
Paul: Think so, yeah.

Quote from I'm Okay, You're Defective

Paul: So, where did the two musketeers go without me today?
Norm: Well, we went hang gliding. Then we, uh, had lunch with the Miss Massachusetts finalists. And then, we got to drive a fire truck around for a couple hours. It was great.
Paul: You're kidding! Why didn't you ask me along?
Norm: Yes, we are kidding, Paul. We went to McDonald's.
Paul: What?! You went to McDonald's?!

Quote from Rat Girl

Sam: Hey, this has been driving me crazy. I gotta know something here, Paul.
Paul: What, Sam?
Sam: Well, I'll try to put this as delicately as I can, because you're my friend and I like you, and I don't want to insult you, but why would any girl be caught dead with you when she could be with me?
Paul: You thought that would offend me?
Sam: I'm serious. I mean, what'd you do, slip her a mickey or something?
Paul: Well, since you asked me so nicely, Sam, I'll tell you. Paula is what we like to refer to as a chubby-chaser.
Sam: You're kidding. You mean, she likes to go out with guys who are... Who are, uh...
Paul: Portly, Sam. The word is "portly."

Quote from Get Your Kicks on Route 666

Paul: I could have gone with those guys on that little road trip, you know.
Lilith: I know.
Paul: I just wasn't here when they decided to go.
Lilith: So you've said.
Paul: They, uh, probably tried to call me and hung up on my machine.
Lilith: Hmm.
Paul: Sometimes it doesn't record the hang-ups.
Lilith: Mm-hmm.
Paul: You're not much of a conversationalist, are you?
Carla: Where is everybody?
Paul: Probably in New Mexico by now. You know, I could've gone with 'em if they'd just left a message.

Quote from No Rest for the Woody

Sam: All right, the thing is... Fellows, listen up. To qualify for the group rate, I need one more person to sign on.
Paul: Thank God, Sam. You don't know what it's like to walk around uninsured, knowing you might get hit by a bus or need an operation, and they'd take your house and your, your savings, and that might not even be enough. You saved my life, Sam.
Sam: Actually, Paul, I was kind of thinking of offering it to Norm.
Paul: Hey, congratulations, Norm.

Quote from One for the Road

Paul: So then what happened?
Frasier: So the next thing we know, Diane turns up here with her husband and asks to meet Sam's wife.
Paul: Holy moly.
Cliff: Yeah, yeah. Then Sam goes back there and grabs our fair Rebecca, introduces her as Mrs. Malone, then they toddle on up there to, uh, Melville's for lunch.
Paul: Man, oh, man, oh, man.
Norm: Which ought to be very interesting because Rebecca's been a total gibbering idiot ever since Don dumped her.
Paul: Damn it all. Everything neat happens when I'm not here! I always miss everything! [walks into the backroom]

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