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‘The Two Faces of Norm’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: The Two Faces of Norm

805. The Two Faces of Norm

Aired October 26, 1989

When Norm takes on some workers to expand his painting business, he has trouble keeping them in line. Meanwhile, Sam sells his Corvette as he tries to raise the funds to buy the bar.

Quote from Norm

Norm: [enters] Afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm!
Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson. You got room for beer?
Norm: No, but I am willing to add on.

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Quote from Norm

Cliff: So, hey, Normie, so how's business going?
Norm: Lousy, Cliffie. I'm so damn busy painting, I haven't had time to stop in here and visit with my best friend.
Cliff: I missed you, too, you big lug.
Norm: Actually, Cliffie, I meant Mr. Beer.
Woody: So, the painting business is that good, huh?
Norm: Too good, Woody. Today I had to choose between two really great jobs. I couldn't make up my mind.
Woody: So what did you do?
Norm: Skipped them both. Came in here. I think I made the right choice.

Quote from Sam

Dennis: OK, but I'm kind of pressed for time. I've got to get to my hair stylist.
Sam: Good. Good. Oh, very good, very good. Hair stylist. All right. All right, this will be pretty simple here. Just a few multiple-choice questions.
Dennis: Great. Shoot.
Sam: Number one. "It's high noon. You're driving in Harvard Square. Parking's limited. Do you A: Park in a handicapped zone, B: Park in a regular spot under a tree, C: Drive around till a space opens up?"
Dennis: "C."
Sam: What, are you nuts? I can't believe it, man! That's a trick question. You don't drive this baby at nigh noon, man! Sun damage, bucko. What the hell's wrong... What do you want to do, oxidize the paint? Get out of here! You make me sick! I can't believe that! He wants to drive my car at high noon in Harvard Square.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Norm, your situation puts me in mind of a wonderful play by Bertolt Brecht.
Norm: Yeah?
Frasier: Yes, it's about a poor put-upon woman, who, similar to you, is having trouble dealing with the people that are taking advantage of her.
Cliff: Oh, what did she do?
Frasier: Well, she developed a entirely new and different personality to handle these people. It's set in the orient. It's "The Good Woman of Szechwan."
Norm: Hmm. Sounds good.
Frasier: Oh, yes, it's one of Brecht's masterpieces.
Norm: No, I mean, Chinese food. I know a great place. Phone book, Woody?
Frasier: I don't know why I try to have an intellectual conversation with the two of you. All you think about is... Say, how's their kung pao shrimp?

Quote from Norm

Cliff: Hey, Normie, how did you think up that name Kreitzer?
Frasier: You know, I've been meaning to ask the same thing. Was he a bully back in school? A sadistic C.O. back in the Coast Guard? An authority figure who used to torment you?
Norm: No, no, no, it's Vera's maiden name.

Quote from Norm

Norm: [on the phone] Hi, Rudy, Rudy, hi, it's Norm. Listen, I'm afraid I have some bad news about your patriots game plans this weekend. Uh, I think you guys are going to have to kind of work. No, no, no, relax. It's not me. It's my new business partner.
Frasier: Good, good. Now give the guy a name. Make it authentic.
Norm: Uh, it's this guy, Mr. Kreitzer. He has this crazy idea, man, that you guys should, I don't know, paint. What? [covers the phone] He wants to talk to Kreitzer. Help, Frasier.
Frasier: No, no, no you dug the hole, Norm.
Norm: Woody. Come on. You're an actor. Be Kreitzer. Come on.
Woody: Okay, where am I from?
Norm: Uh, Pittsburgh.
Woody: OK. Now, did I come from a happy childhood...? And why am I on the phone at this point in my life?
Norm: Oh, come on. Just give me the phone. Forget it. Forget it. [shouts into the phone] All right, this is Kreitzer. Now listen up, you bunch of gutless, sniveling little wimps. I don't care what Peterson said. That lowlife does not lay down the rules. Hey! Hey! Any more lip out of you, and I'll rip your face off and stick it up your lunch bucket! [slams the phone down] That was kind of fun. Think maybe I ought to call Vera, huh? [Woody takes the phone away]

Quote from Norm

Norm: [on the phone] Hey, Rudy, Rudy. Just relax, OK? I'll tell you what. Go ahead. Take a 5-minute break for lunch. For God's sake, you're hungry. We all have to eat. We're only human. [chuckles] OK? I'll tell you what, if Kreitzer asks, I did not say anything. [hangs up] I must say, this Kreitzer stuff is going very, very well. I told the guys they got to work extra nights next week. They didn't even say boo. I love being Kreitzer. I don't have to paint anymore, right? Business is booming. I've hired a secretary. I've rented us offices.
Frasier: Now, when you say us, who do you mean?
Norm: Me and Kreitzer.
Frasier: When you say Kreitzer, who do you mean?
Norm: Me.
Frasier: When you say me...
Norm: [chuckles] Frasier, don't worry about it. I'm not going crazy. It's just a front. You see, my office door actually leads into an office. But Kreitzer's door opens onto the back alley where they keep the garbage. Well, both offices are furnished about the same.

Quote from Rebecca

Rebecca: Hi, everybody. Sorry I'm late. I was at another business seminar. This one was all about accentuating the positive and all you can accomplish by focusing on the good instead of the bad.
Woody: How was it?
Rebecca: The worst. But you know, I like the idea of positive reinforcement in the workplace, so I'm going to give it a shot.
Carla: Man, you got to be a real moron to buy that load of crap.
Rebecca: Way to speak out, Carla. Ooh, way to pour that beer, Woody! Way to run up that tab, Norm. Way to...
l, uh...
Cliff: I got a new haircut.
Rebecca: No...
Cliff: My thumbnail grew back.
Rebecca: No... But just give me a little time.
Cliff: Wait! I think I got it. Nah, everybody's got a pulse.
Carla: Way to make a dork out of yourself, Clavin.
Rebecca: Way to nail him, Carla.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Hi, guys. Hey, Gordo, buy you a beer?
Gordo: Uh, Sam...
Sam: At the rate that I'm saving the bucks, Cheers is gonna be mine again in a few short months. And when I'm running this place, things are going to be different.
Woody: How?
Sam: I'll be running the place.
Carla: So, you've really been socking it away, huh, Sammy?
Sam: Yeah, yeah, wish I had a nickel for every dollar I've saved. Just this week, by skipping lunches, working overtime, and having sex-only dates, I've managed to save over $200.
Gordo: This means you only owe me $130.
Sam: What, my retainer's all gone? Well, I can't be too mad at the guy. He gave me a radiator flush for my birthday.

Quote from Rebecca

Carla: Sammy, you're never going to buy the bar back at this rate.
Sam: What can I do? I'm tapped out. By the time I pay for gas and tune-ups and Philippe the chamois boy...
Rebecca: Why don't you sell the car? [Carla gasps] It's just a car.
Sam: Honey. Let me explain something to you here. We're not talking about just a car. We're talking about Sammy's Vette. The studmobile, the babe-catcher.
Rebecca: You're right, you're right. I mean, where would Sam be without his crutch? You know, all those years, those women weren't making love to you, they were making love to your car.
Sam: No, that's where you're wrong. They were making love in my car.
Rebecca: Really?
Sam: Come on. Girls don't go out with me just because of my car.
Rebecca: That's right. All the women in Boston are just lining up to go out with Sam Malone and his bus pass.

Quote from Norm

Norm: I mean, how would I even get started? Where can I find somebody with the appropriate skills?
Rudy: Look, if you really need some help, I could sure use the work.
Norm: I don't know, pal. I never hired anybody before. You know, I feel kinda weird about it. I wouldn't know what to ask you.
Rudy: Well, while you're thinking, about it, can I buy you a beer?
Norm: Welcome aboard.

Quote from Norm

Rebecca: You were saying, Norm?
Norm: I just can't get used to bossing people around, you know? I can't seem to make my workers do the things they're supposed to, like increase their productivity, exceed their goals, show up.
Rebecca: You're not letting your employees take advantage of you, are you?
Norm: Yeah, maybe a little bit. Yesterday afternoon, the guys decided to knock off early and just go bowling.
Rebecca: So what'd you do?
Norm: I broke 200.
Cliff: Hey, all right!
Norm: Thank you. A personal high. It was great.

Quote from Rebecca

Woody: Oh, Mr. P. Tsk tsk tsk.
Rebecca: That's very irresponsible, Norm. As the boss, you have to show these people an example.
Norm: Yeah, I guess you're right, Woody, but... I tell you, I cannot be one of these hard-nosed bosses, OK? I mean, I've had bosses like that. I hate those guys.
Rebecca: Being in charge is not a popularity contest. You are not in business to get people to like you. Now, I don't get why you would care what your employees think? I don't care.
Carla: Obviously not.
Rebecca: What is that supposed to mean?
Carla: Nothing.
Rebecca: No. You already said it. Don't just leave me dangling. I mean, I do have feelings, for god's sake.
Carla: I'm sorry. We like you.
Rebecca: Really? Thank you, Carla!

Quote from Norm

Norm: It's not like I'm a total washout as a boss. I mean, yesterday afternoon, for example, after we went bowling, I really laid down the law with my guys. I said if we're going to get anywhere as a company, we got to really buckle down. But I think I may have to lean on them a little bit harder.
Rebecca: How come?
Norm: That's them coming out of the pool room.

Quote from Sam

Dennis: I'm Dennis Hamill. I'm here about the Corvette.
Sam: Great. Dennis, have a seat right there.
Dennis: I can't wait to see it.
Sam: Whoa, slow down there. Now, first we have to learn a little bit about you here.
Dennis: About me?
Sam: Yeah. Yeah. You see, matching a Corvette with the right owner, Dennis, is kinda like... Finding a home for an animal. Except an animal's just an animal, and we're talking about a Corvette.

Quote from Cliff

Norm: Damn! It's still busy. How can those guys be on the phone all day? They're supposed to be painting.
Cliff: You know, in the future, telephones will be obsolete.
Norm: Yeah?
Cliff: Absolutely right. People will communicate telekinetically using part of their brain known as the cerebral cortex that is heretofore untapped.
Carla: May l?
Norm: Yeah.
[Carla takes the telephone receiver from Norm and hits Cliff over the head with it]
Carla: It's been tapped now.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: This Bertolt Brecht. Did he write any plays about rib joints?

Quote from Carla

Frasier: Where's Sam?
Carla: He'll be right back. He just sold his Vette and he's picking up his new car.
Cliff: Oh, yeah? What did he get? Turbo Z? Trans-Am?
Carla: A Volare.
Cliff: Oh, poor Sam.
Carla: Yeah, he just called from the used car circus. It must have been the ringmaster's special. Anyway, he was really a little depressed about it, so maybe we just shouldn't mention it, all right?
Cliff: Oh, yeah.
Sam: [enters] Hi, guys.
All: [sing] Volare, oh oh...
Sam: Hey, listen, you got something to say to me, just say it.
All: [sing] Cantare, oh oh oh oh

Quote from Frasier

Sam: [on the phone] Hello? This is Anton Kreitzer! I'm calling about the corvette you bought from a Mr. Sam Malone! Yeah, well, give it back right now! [normal voice] No, no, don't hang up. Don't hang up, please. It's not Kreitzer, it's Sam. I want my car back. Please? I'm having seller's remorse. All right, listen, I'll tell you what. I'll pay you 500 more than you bought it for. All right, wait, wait, wait. I'll pay you 1,000 more than you bought it for.
Frasier: Excuse me, Sam.
Sam: Can you hold on just a second, please?
Frasier: As a trained psychiatrist, I'm well-versed in the art of human persuasion. I think I can handle this for you. [on the phone] Lilith, damn it, give Sam his car back immediately! [hangs up] There. Probably getting tired of those speeding tickets, anyway.

Quote from Norm

Norm: Wait a second, man, you got it all wrong.
Rudy: Oh, save it for the stage, Anton!
Norm: What?
Rudy: Man, this is reality!
Norm: Huh? [shouts] All right, I am Kreitzer! Do you wanna go back to work for me? Yeah, man, I'd love working for a psycho.
Rudy: Gosh, man, you're pathetic.
Norm: Wait a minute! Rudy, Rudy, Rudy! Come on now! I'm not Kreitzer, I'm Norm Peterson. I swear to god. I can prove it to you. Watch this. [enters the bar] Afternoon, everyone.
All: Anton!

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