Sam: These are, uh, trivia napkins. Ever since I got the bar back, I've been looking for ways to say, "Hey, thank you for patronizing me."
Frasier: Oh, Sam, I- I know you wanted to use a great big word there. I think that's marvelous, but I believe what you meant to say was, "Thank you for your patronage."
Sam: Really? What's the difference?
Frasier: Patronage means customers. Patronizing is the way one would talk to a small, dull child.
Sam: Kind of like how you're talking to me right now?
Frasier: Aren't you cute!

Frasier: You know, I agree with Cliff. There's a great deal to be said for discretion. You know, it's entirely possible Rebecca may grow tired of Robin and thus avoid the heartache. Then on the other hand, as one who was cuckolded by a lover deeply trusted, the longer led on, the harder the fall. I'm just not sure that Rebecca can be as strong and forgiving as I was when... that bitch Diane dumped me.

Brenda Balzak: Frasier, how would a date with you go?
Lilith: Brenda, I find this line of inquiry sensationalistic and not at all pertinent to my thesis.
Frasier: Oh, no, that's all right, dear. I think I'd like to answer the question. Well, a date with me would, I'd say, be jolly good fun. [silence] Ironically, actually, I might add, that I used to date, actually, an old girlfriend of Sam's.
Brenda Balzak: So she preferred you to Sam.
Frasier: Oh, yes. Well, uh... That is, until she broke up with me and got engaged... To Sam. You know, I'd like to add in my defense, the woman was nuts.

Frasier: Excuse me, Rebecca, may I have your honest opinion about something you know, as a woman who has fatally bad taste in men? Do you think I'm a... good boy?
Rebecca: Frasier, you have to stop doing this to yourself. Why do you feel inferior to Sam just because you're good? You know, I agree with that talk-show host. Give me a comfortable pair of old ratty house slippers any day.
Frasier: So that's how it is. Now I'm a pair of ratty old house slippers. At least this afternoon, I was an old shoe. You could at least wear me outside, maybe do a little gardening.
Rebecca: Frasier, I did not mean to imply...
Frasier: You think I can't be dangerous? Is that it? You all think I'm just an old slipper? Well, am I a good boy? Would a good boy do this? I am running with scissors. I'm going swimming right after lunch. I'm leaving now. I'm going outside. I'm going to pet strange dogs, no matter where they've been. Look out, world, Frasier Crane's going to raise some hell.

Frasier: All right. Gather around, everyone. I am going to right a horrible wrong. I am going to read to you Dickens' classic, A Tale of Two Cities, and you will see just how much fun great literature can be. [all groaning] "Book the First. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."
Norm: Hey, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. Which was it?
Frasier: Just stay tuned, Norm.
Norm: "It was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness. It was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity."
Cliff: Boy, this Dickens guy really liked to keep his butt covered, didn't he?
Frasier: "There was a king with a large jaw, and a queen with a plain face, on the throne of England." [the guys turn around] "And... and..." "...and there was a bloodthirsty clown, who beckoned innocent children into the sewer, and swallowed them whole."
Cliff: Ah! That's a neat trick.

Justice of the Peace: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to join this man and this woman in matrimony. Marriage is a sacred union not to be entered into lightly. If there is any person present who knows a reason why this couple should not be united, speak now, or forever hold your peace.
Diane: I do.
Frasier: Right phrase, wrong wedding.

Diane: Oh, Frasier, please tell me where Sam is. I have to talk with him.
Frasier: Diane, in light of your disposal of him last night, I think it's better that he be left alone right now.
Diane: That poor man. Can you imagine how he must feel?
Frasier: Gee, I'll try.

Sam: Hey, the big day is around the corner, isn't it?
Frasier: Yeah, next Saturday. Lilith and I have been in the process of writing, editing, rewriting, and researching our wedding vows.

Frasier: No, in this case, I'm afraid I must agree with Rebecca.
Rebecca: Thank you, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Well, it's- It's not for your dollar-grubbing, you know, front office, kissy face reasons, but it's because revenge is never the answer. You see, a potentially unending cycle of juvenile retaliation can only lead to a well, a kind of mob mentality, which will ultimately result in a regrettable act.
Cliff: Wait a minute, Doc. When Diane left you at the altar, aren't you the guy who enrolled her in every tape, book, and record club known to mankind?
Frasier: Yes, but that was different. The pompous witch deserved it.

Frasier: You know, at the risk of sounding insensitive, I'm... I'm glad she's getting out of here. Her walking around in that wedding dress was just a tad too "Miss Havisham" for me.
Sam: Who?
Frasier: Miss Havisham. Famous character from Charles Dickens' Great Expectations. Spends the entire novel walking around in her wedding dress.
Norm: What?!
Frasier: Yes. Well, surely you know it. It's Great Expectations. Pip? Miss Havisham? Magwich? And, uh... And four pizza-loving turtles who practice martial arts in the sewer.
Norm: Oh, cowabunga, dudes!
Cliff: You know, there's a lot of people don't realize that that was a comic book first.