Dr. Frasier Crane Quotes Page 1 of 53

Quote from Veggie-Boyd

Sam: These are, uh, trivia napkins. Ever since I got the bar back, I've been looking for ways to say, "Hey, thank you for patronizing me."
Frasier: Oh, Sam, I- I know you wanted to use a great big word there. I think that's marvelous, but I believe what you meant to say was, "Thank you for your patronage."
Sam: Really? What's the difference?
Frasier: Patronage means customers. Patronizing is the way one would talk to a small, dull child.
Sam: Kind of like how you're talking to me right now?
Frasier: Aren't you cute!

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Quote from Second Time Around

Justice of the Peace: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to join this man and this woman in matrimony. Marriage is a sacred union not to be entered into lightly. If there is any person present who knows a reason why this couple should not be united, speak now, or forever hold your peace.
Diane: I do.
Frasier: Right phrase, wrong wedding.

Quote from The Proposal

Diane: Oh, Frasier, please tell me where Sam is. I have to talk with him.
Frasier: Diane, in light of your disposal of him last night, I think it's better that he be left alone right now.
Diane: That poor man. Can you imagine how he must feel?
Frasier: Gee, I'll try.

Quote from I Do, Adieu

Norm: All right, I got 20 bucks says they won't do it.
Cliff: All right, well, I got, eh, 30 here says they, uh, tie the knot-ski tonight-ski.
Frasier: I'd like a piece of that, Cliff. Because you see, I'm convinced that the words "l do" are not in the woman's vocabulary.

Quote from To All the Girls I've Loved Before

Sam: Hey, the big day is around the corner, isn't it?
Frasier: Yeah, next Saturday. Lilith and I have been in the process of writing, editing, rewriting, and researching our wedding vows.

Quote from Bar Wars

Frasier: No, in this case, I'm afraid I must agree with Rebecca.
Rebecca: Thank you, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Well, it's- It's not for your dollar-grubbing, you know, front office, kissy face reasons, but it's because revenge is never the answer. You see, a potentially unending cycle of juvenile retaliation can only lead to a well, a kind of mob mentality, which will ultimately result in a regrettable act.
Cliff: Wait a minute, Doc. When Diane left you at the altar, aren't you the guy who enrolled her in every tape, book, and record club known to mankind?
Frasier: Yes, but that was different. The pompous witch deserved it.

Quote from Finally! (Part 2)

Frasier: You know, I agree with Cliff. There's a great deal to be said for discretion. You know, it's entirely possible Rebecca may grow tired of Robin and thus avoid the heartache. Then on the other hand, as one who was cuckolded by a lover deeply trusted, the longer led on, the harder the fall. I'm just not sure that Rebecca can be as strong and forgiving as I was when... that bitch Diane dumped me.

Quote from Severe Crane Damage

Brenda Balzak: Frasier, how would a date with you go?
Lilith: Brenda, I find this line of inquiry sensationalistic and not at all pertinent to my thesis.
Frasier: Oh, no, that's all right, dear. I think I'd like to answer the question. Well, a date with me would, I'd say, be jolly good fun. [silence] Ironically, actually, I might add, that I used to date, actually, an old girlfriend of Sam's.
Brenda Balzak: So she preferred you to Sam.
Frasier: Oh, yes. Well, uh... That is, until she broke up with me and got engaged... To Sam. You know, I'd like to add in my defense, the woman was nuts.

Quote from Severe Crane Damage

Frasier: Excuse me, Rebecca, may I have your honest opinion about something you know, as a woman who has fatally bad taste in men? Do you think I'm a... good boy?
Rebecca: Frasier, you have to stop doing this to yourself. Why do you feel inferior to Sam just because you're good? You know, I agree with that talk-show host. Give me a comfortable pair of old ratty house slippers any day.
Frasier: So that's how it is. Now I'm a pair of ratty old house slippers. At least this afternoon, I was an old shoe. You could at least wear me outside, maybe do a little gardening.
Rebecca: Frasier, I did not mean to imply...
Frasier: You think I can't be dangerous? Is that it? You all think I'm just an old slipper? Well, am I a good boy? Would a good boy do this? I am running with scissors. I'm going swimming right after lunch. I'm leaving now. I'm going outside. I'm going to pet strange dogs, no matter where they've been. Look out, world, Frasier Crane's going to raise some hell.

Quote from Honor Thy Mother

Carla: Well, the dream is always the same. There's a casket on a slab in an empty room. You walk slowly toward it. Suddenly, the lid flies open.
Norm: You see your own face?
Carla: No, you see these feet, 'cause you're looking at the wrong end. Then, you look upward, and there's your own face, pale and bluish with pennies over your eyes. And that's when you bolt up in bed screaming.
Frasier: Carla, death is an earthly scientific passage predicted by either massive physical injury or progressive bodily deterioration. There is as little validity in a supposed death dream as there is in the cliched image of death itself as a grim, bloodless ghoul whose bony finger reaches out to tap you on the shoulder when your number's up.
Lilith: Frasier, it's time to go.
Frasier: [screams] Don't do that, woman! For God's sakes, put on some blusher.

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