TV Quotes

Frasier: What about you, Norm?
Norm: Well, there was one time, uh, we thought Vera was pregnant, and then it turns out she wasn't.
Frasier: I'm sorry, Norm.
Cliff: You never told me that, buddy.
Norm: Well, it turns out she was lying. She didn't tell me till after the wedding. I must have cried for a week.

Cliff: Ah, here we are wasting away in the desert. I never pictured that the four of us would go out like this.
Norm: How did you picture it, Cliff?
Cliff: Well, I pictured, uh, Sammy getting topped by a jealous husband. Norm, I figured you'd, you know, heart attack. Frasier, here...
Frasier: Cliff, l- I don't want to hear it.
Cliff: You bet you don't.

Paul: I could have gone with those guys on that little road trip, you know.
Lilith: I know.
Paul: I just wasn't here when they decided to go.
Lilith: So you've said.
Paul: They, uh, probably tried to call me and hung up on my machine.
Lilith: Hmm.
Paul: Sometimes it doesn't record the hang-ups.
Lilith: Mm-hmm.
Paul: You're not much of a conversationalist, are you?
Carla: Where is everybody?
Paul: Probably in New Mexico by now. You know, I could've gone with 'em if they'd just left a message.

Cliff: We're going to die out here. They're going to find our bleached bones.
Sam: Look, let's just relax here, everybody. Everything's going to seem better in the morning.
Frasier: Oh, yes, Sam. "In the morning." When the desert sun comes up. By noon, it'll be 120!
Cliff: Forget it, Doc. You're never going to see 120. At 110, your lungs explode.
Frasier: Cliff, that is ridiculous!
Cliff: Oh, yeah? Well, would you like to make a friendly wager on that?

Frasier: What seems to be the trouble, Sam?
Sam: Well, I know a little bit about engines, and it seems like what we got here is a burned piece of meat.
Cliff: Yeah, how is my, uh, hobo steak coming? Oh, yeah, well, I threw that on the engine back in, uh, Lukachukai.
Frasier: At the risk of hearing your answer, Cliff, why would you do something so stupid?
Cliff: Oh, well, you, you cook in there. You see, you put your food on the engine, and then you can drive and cook at the same time. Oh, hey, it looks like the vegetable kebabs are about done. Maybe they're a little bit too crisp, huh?

Lilith: It's perfectly natural. One can be married and still be drawn to the odd magnificent butt.
Carla: For once I'm with you, Doc.
Rebecca: I agree, but you know what I really notice in a guy? His eyes.
Carla: Yeah, but that magnificent butt thing is right up there.
Rebecca: Yeah, well, this guy has both.
Lilith: And talk about biceps.
Carla: Whoa. You're getting me hot. Who are we talking about here?
Lilith: Your nephew, Frankie.
Carla: That is so sick!
Lilith: Carla, surely, as a woman, you can see how your nephew might be considered desirable.
Carla: Sure. You start thinking like that, and you end up with Woody's family.

Norm: Okay, I got one. When was the last time you guys cried? Huh? Cliffie?
Cliff: Uh, well, I guess the, uh, it's probably my, uh, junior prom.
Norm: Oh, no, no, no. Cliffie, this is not that story where, uh, you got stood up and you had to take your ma and everyone laughed at you and pantsed you, is it?
Cliff: No, no, I said junior prom. Yeah, you see, Ma was putting on a boutonniere, and a pin stuck me in the chest, I got a staph infection.

Sam: Frasier, where's your hairy man? We can save ourselves here. Yeah, hot-wiring's easy. Buck showed me how to do it on a trip across the states. God, that guy was a whiz with anything mechanical. Yeah, here you go. All you got to do is take these two wires here and connect them. [electricity crackling]
Cliff: You- You okay there, Sammy?
Sam: Diane?

Carla: No, I- I was talking about my nephew and Rebecca of Horny Brook Farm.
Lilith: They're in the back. Frankie's helping her move some boxes.
Carla: I'll just bet he is. You know, I'm getting a little sick of the way she's throwing herself all over that guy. I mean, it's disgusting.
Lilith: Carla, I've never seen this side of you.
Carla: Yeah, well You know, Frankie's sweet. One day he's going to meet a nice girl and settle down. And in the meantime, it's my job to keep him away from sleazy women looking for a quick one-nighter.
Lilith: You mean women like you?
Carla: Ironic, huh?

Frasier: Say, uh, where's, where's Norm?
Sam: Oh, he's asleep in the back here.
Frasier: Yeah? Well... Well, he's not asleep anymore.
Cliff: Oh, hey, he's gone!
Sam: Well, he's got to be around here someplace.
All: Norm! Norm! Normie! Norm! Normie! Norm! Here, Norm!
Cliff: You, you don't suppose some wolf dragged him off in the night, do you?
Sam: Well, maybe we ought to take a look for him.
Frasier: Not me. I don't want to meet the wolf that can drag off Norm.