Cliff: Well, fellows, that's the bell announcing Clavin's midmorning brain twister.
Carla: Oh, you going to get up and try to walk again?
Frasier: Is this going to be along the same lines as yesterday's little pearl? If the Lennon Sisters, the Maguire Sisters and the Andrew Sisters all came to a four-way stop, which would have the right-of-way?
Cliff: No, no, no, no. This one is, uh, based on historical fact. Now listen up. How would the Civil War have changed if Lincoln had had octopus tentacles instead of a beard?
Frasier: For God's sake, Cliff. There is no practical answer to that question.
Norm: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Now we can assume that the Gettysburg Address would have been written on the back of eight envelopes.
Cliff: Very good. Very good answer, Normie.
Woody: Also, he could have disarmed John Wilkes Booth and still applauded the play.
Cliff: Now, in a related query, what if Herbert Hoover was able to expand his face like a blowfish?

Sam: I don't know. It's, like, maybe I was looking forward to it too much, you know? Like when you're really excited about a new movie. Like The Bad News Bears. Remember that? For weeks, people kept coming up and telling me what a great movie it was. But when I finally went to see it...
Rebecca: So it wasn't that great.
Sam: No, it's just Tatum O'Neal throwing a ball around.
Rebecca: Not that.
Sam: Oh, you mean us? I told you really, it was fine, honey.
Rebecca: Fine?! But it was a letdown, like The Bad News Bears.
Sam: No, it was... [sputters] much better than The Bad News Bears.

Rebecca: Sam, we have been friends for too long to let it end this way. And I just came back to say that I'm sorry I ran out earlier in a huff. And that I knew you weren't coming on to me, and that when you said I wasn't good, that it wasn't just some trick to get me back into bed, it was because you were being honest, because I am a lousy lover.
Sam: No, sweetheart, you're not lou-
Rebecca: No, Sam, it's all right. It's not like I haven't heard it before. I have to learn to accept it. You know, some people are bad at math. Some people can't skip.
Sam: No, no-
Rebecca: You're a fantastic lover. I am a dud and I know it. Robin just didn't realize it because he's English.

Sam: Hey, Woody. It says here that you and Carla haven't had a raise for over two years.
Woody: That's right, Sam. I guess that's why I been so darn moody lately.
Sam: Well, that's one of the things that's gonna change around here. Starting tomorrow, you guys get a $20-a-week raise.
Woody: Wow, thanks.
Sam: Another thing here, while I'm at it, to celebrate the new management, I am wiping out everybody's bar tab.
Norm: Sam Malone, I am not a man for mushy sentiment, but I want you to know something - if you ever need a liver donor, I've got one like yea big.

Bartender: Man, how about all that stuff that's going on over at Cheers?
Man: What's that?
Bartender: You don't know about that? Well, Rebecca, the babe who runs the place, you know she's been dating Robin Colcord, the multimillionaire.
Man: Uh-huh.
Bartender: Well, he tried to pull a hostile takeover of her corporation and she was implicated in the deal. So the corporation dumped her. Guess who ended up owning Cheers. Sam Malone.
Man: You're kidding.
Bartender: Wait, you haven't heard the best part. Now, Colcord skipped the country, so Rebecca's ended up having to take a waitress job at Cheers.
Man: Wow. Where do you get this stuff, anyway?
Bartender: I got my sources. Another round on the house, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Thank you very much.

Robin: Well, my attorney's spoken to the prosecutor and I... I have to go.
Rebecca: Can't we at least wait till morning?
Robin: Well, my attorney says that if I turn myself in now, I can avoid a media circus. Do you have any idea what these sleazy tabloids would pay for a picture of Robin Colcord the fugitive?
[As Robin opens the door to the bar, Carla is standing there with a camera. Rebecca gasps as Carla takes a Polaroid.]
Carla: Okay, let's try another one. Only, this time, look a little bit more guilty.
Robin: Guilty?!

Sam: What do you guys think, huh? I'm finished.
Norm: With, uh, with what, Sam?
Sam: With putting my old stuff back on the wall.
Norm: It was gone?
Sam: Yeah, it was gone. Three years gone, man. Rebecca had her stuff up there.
Norm: Ah.
Sam: Are you so taken with your own lives you don't notice the changes going on around here?
Norm: Sammy, we notice the important things, all right? By the way, is Diane coming in today? [off Sam's look] Hey. [laughs]

Cliff: Sammy, I just realized, I forgot to call Ma and tell her the good news. You know how she loves you. Boy, she's gonna be tickled pink when she hears you got the bar back. [on the phone] Hello, Ma! Guess who the new owner of Cheers is. No, it's not me, it's, uh, it's Sam. Well, I'm, uh, still a mailman, Ma. Well, I know you had high hopes for me, Ma, but I couldn't finish college and that's all there is to it. [hangs up] She was thrilled.

Woody: So, what's new, Miss Howe?
Rebecca: I just got back from visiting Robin in jail. They're not going to let him out on bail since he jumped bond earlier. They're gonna charge him a huge penalty, even if he pleads guilty. I don't think they're gonna give that poor guy any breaks at all.
Woody: I got a raise.
Rebecca: You deserve it, Woody. [walks away]
Woody: I deserved it two years ago. Who was the boss then? Let me think.

Rebecca: What were you guys talking about?
Frasier: Former presidents with fish parts in their faces.
Rebecca: Come on. Do you really expect me to believe you were talking about something that stupid?
Carla: Where have you been all these years? Hello!