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‘Norm and Cliff's Excellent Adventure’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Norm and Cliff's Excellent Adventure

912. Norm and Cliff's Excellent Adventure

Aired December 6, 1990

Woody discovers the wonders of the Home Shopping Channel. Meanwhile, Norm and Cliff start playing troublemakers in the bar, leading to an argument between Sam and Frasier.

Quote from Norm

Cliff: Oh, here's Sam.
Carla: Oh, come on, Sammy. Hey, Sammy. Sammy, open up. It's freezing!
Sam: Hey, what are you guys standing around for? How come somebody didn't let you in?
Carla: I left my keys home.
Sam: Oh, no, I was counting on yours.
Rebecca: I left mine in the office. Hurry up! It's cold!
Sam: Well, how are we gonna get in here?
Norm: 'Morning, everybody.
All: Norm! [keys jangling]
Norm: Sorry I'm late. [enters]

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Quote from Cliff

Sam: Sorry I took so long getting here this morning.
Frasier: Sam, you know, this is the fourth time this week that you've been late. As a responsible businessman and the owner of this bar, you owe it to yourself to stick to a more responsible schedule, you know.
Cliff: Absolutely. If the post office ran its business the way you run yours... Never mind.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Sam, I am not asking you. I'm telling you! Give me back my card!
Sam: Don't take that tone of voice with me!
Man: Frasier, can I help? I have a card that works.
Frasier: Oh shut up, you Skinnerian baboon!

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Sam, do not touch those scissors to that card!
Sam: I got to do it, Frasier.
Frasier: You do not!
Sam: Yes, I-
Frasier: [choking grunt]
Sam: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I t-tell you what. Here, take- take my credit cards.
Frasier: Oh, fine! With your $90 credit limit, I can go hog-wild at Monkey Ward's! You have made me look the fool.
Sam: Yeah, I think you've taken care of that all by yourself, Frasier!
Frasier: Oh. So it's come to this, has it? After years of friendship, you proudly pour a tall cup of humiliation. Well, I've had enough, thank you. This is good-bye. You have seen and heard the last of Frasier Crane. From this moment forward, I am never stepping foot in this bar again! I close the iron door upon you!

Quote from Frasier

Lilith: Frasier, you've got to stop this cycle of negativity. Come, let's try some positive imagery. You're back in Maui. Feel the trade winds caressing your cheeks, ruffling your hair. Smell the plumeria. Taste the mai tai. Feel the gentle swaying... [sways] swaying of the ancient palms. The rhythm... [watches Lilith] the rhythm... the rhythm... Are you there?
Frasier: Yes, I'm there. I'm in paradise. And I'm paying for the whole shebang with my gold card. Which was gladly accepted, and returned in one piece, by a man in a flowered sarong!

Quote from Lilith

Norm: Hi, Lilith.
Lilith: Cliff, Norm. Frasier, it's Cliff and Norm. Well, good night, gentlemen. I've suddenly developed a splitting migraine. [lets the door close on them]

Quote from Norm

Frasier: Norm. Cliff. What a pleasure to see my boon companions here in my home. Come in. Come in.
Norm: Yeah, well, Fras, look, we don't want to interrupt your dinner or anything like that.
Frasier: Oh, no, we finished hours ago.
Norm: Yeah, nice shortcut, Cliff.
Frasier: I see that you left the butcher of all things plastic back in the bar to come visit old Frasier.
Norm: Yeah, yeah. Fras, uh... Just out of curiosity, what did you have for dinner? Uh, uh, let me guess. Wait.[inhales sharply] Ah, porterhouse steaks, smothered with mushrooms, green beans with sliced almonds, some, uh, apple brown Betty, and, uh... decaf cappuccino.
Cliff: [laughs] Ain't he something?
Frasier: Actually, we had Chinese brought in. [chuckles]
Norm: Guess it must be in my coat.

Quote from Cliff

Woody: You won't believe this. I just found out that on cable TV, they have this channel where they show you stuff and you can buy it any hour of the day, any day of the week. How did we live before?
Cliff: Yeah, yeah. Home Shopping Channel. Ma loves it, she's always watching it. She's always saying, "If I had a rich son, he'd buy me this, If I had a rich son, he'd buy me that." Who do you think bought her the TV in the first place?
Norm: You, Cliffie?
Cliff: No, but if I find the guy, I'm gonna shove that clicker down his throat.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: So, the paranoid says... [laughs] "Help! Help! They're all out to get me!" [laughs] I guess you had to be in the session.

Quote from Carla

Sam: Anyone hear from Frasier since yesterday?
Norm: He'll be back, don't worry about it.
Sam: I don't know, he left here pretty angry. I mean, I keep calling the house, and the machine keeps picking up.
Carla: Oh, Lilith answers?

Quote from Frasier

Lilith: Frasier, darling, today is our monthly luncheon with the Psychoanalytic and Social Therapeutic Practitioners Society. Have you forgotten?
Frasier: Well, let me finish this double, and I might.
Lilith: Now, Doctor.
Frasier: Yeah, well, Lilith, I really can't stand another dry, endless luncheon in some stuffy old restaurant.
Sam: Pretty boring, huh, Fras?
Frasier: Well, let me put it this way, Sam. Lilith is the Dorothy Parker of this particular roundtable.

Quote from Carla

Frasier: I know you fellows favor a more formal atmosphere, but allow me to charm you with the quaint hospitality of my friendly neighborhood tavern.
Lilith: Excuse me, Frasier. I have to go check my messages.
Carla: You got one from Madame Tussauds. "Get back to the museum."

Quote from Sam

Sam: I can't give you back the card, Frasier. I've got to cut it up and send the pieces back to the company.
Frasier: [scoffs] You do not have to do that.
Sam: Yes, I do! They spent a half an hour on just that fact at the seminar at the Sheraton.
Frasier: Sam, I am telling you, you do not have to do that!
Sam: You weren't at the seminar. If I don't do this, they're gonna take my little card thingy away.

Quote from Rebecca

Woody: Miss Howe? Last night the shopping channel was a consumer bonanza, and I took advantage of it. Their loss is your gain. First, I got you a genuine gold-look bracelet with 200 real sapphires.
Rebecca: Oh, Woody. First of all, you have to stop buying me gifts. And second of all, you have to learn that sapphires are blue.
Woody: Okay, but you can't say no to a new and improved snackmaster and a portable solar-powered telephone.
Rebecca: Woody, I cannot accept these. People are going to get the wrong idea.
Woody: What, that I have a crush on you?
Rebecca: No, that I like crap.

Quote from Frasier

Lilith: Now, this is lovely. The baby's with my mother, and there's nothing to disturb our peaceful Eden.
Frasier: You're right, darling, nothing. Except for the burned-in image of Sam cutting my gold card into pieces before my very eyes.
Lilith: You know, Frasier, after listening to you complain about that for the umpteenth time, it's becoming impossible for me to sympathize.
Frasier: [quietly] Of course not. Sympathy is a human emotion.
Lilith: What?
Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry, darling, I'm just lashing out. [quietly] Got off a good one, though.

Quote from Woody

Woody: Look what I just got on the shopping channel. Now, there's only about 2,000 of these little babies left, so a word to the wise. Well?
Rebecca: Well, that's, uh... It's beautiful, Woody. It's a beautiful cow.
Woody: I'll say, and that's not the best part of it. It's also a great clock.
Male Voice: It's [imitates cow bellow] noon.
Sam: What, um... What happens if it's 7:00 o'clock?
Woody: Well, a cow's power of speech are kind of limited, you know. Everything kind of sounds like [imitates cow bellow] noon.
Sam: How do you ever know what time it is?
Woody: Well, it helps if you wear a watch.

Quote from Sam

Sam: I have a good excuse this time. I'm being treated by a dermatologist.
Frasier: Is it anything serious?
Sam: No, no, no I just told her that I had a patch of dry skin, and we stayed up all night looking for it. Found it, too. Four times, by golly.

Quote from Norm

Cliff: Sammy, uh, can we stick to the topic at hand, please?
Norm: Yeah, Sam. I don't mean to make any threats here, but Gary's Old Towne Tavern already opens a half-hour before you do.
Sam: And how do we know that, Norm?
Norm: Hey, who's on trial here, huh?

Quote from Woody

Woody: Look at this. I already got my first package.
Norm: Yeah?
Woody: Huh? It's a toy car and also rewinds videotapes.
Norm: Now, uh, wouldn't a VCR rewind tapes?
Woody: Uh, not the one I bought last night.

Quote from Carla

Rebecca: Excuse me, Carla. Did you read my last memo?
Carla: No.
Rebecca: Well, if you had read it, you would know that we are no longer accepting time cards made out in pencil. From now on, all paperwork must be done in ink.
Carla: Okay.
Rebecca: Did you hear me? Are you acknowledging my memo?
Carla: I heard you! I acknowledge the damn memo! Now would you get out of my face so I can finish this time card? I mean, this isn't easy, you know. My pencil's almost down to the nub.
Rebecca: Well, as long as you're aware of the problem.

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