Previous Episode Next Episode 
Simon Says

‘Simon Says’

Season 5, Episode 21 -  Aired March 5, 1987

An esteemed marriage counselor, Dr. Simon Finch-Royce (John Cleese), tells Sam and Diane they are incompatible and should not get married.

Quote from Norm

Norm: Well, I'm out of here, I guess. Going to stop over at the health club.
Frasier: You belong to a health club?
Norm: Yeah, yeah. Vera gave me a membership for my birthday. It's, uh, real subtle, huh?
Frasier: You- You actually go there and work out?
Norm: Yeah. I try to do, uh, about 25 in the pool every day.
Frasier: Laps?
Norm: Cannonballs.

Rate

Quote from Norm

Norm: Doc, uh, hi. I'm Norm Peterson.
Dr. Finch-Royce: Oh.
Norm: I have to tell you that my wife is a big fan of yours, sir.
Dr. Finch-Royce: Oh.
Norm: Yeah, she reads all those marriage improvement books.
Dr. Finch-Royce: Great. Have they helped?
Norm: Well, they've helped me. It, uh, gives her something to do in bed. I have a few questions...

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Hey, yeah, but, you know, so, if you Brits ever find yourself in trouble against, uh, another major military power like Argentina, you know, don't worry about a thing, uh, well, we Yanks'll be there to bail you out just like we were during the last two big ones, huh?
Norm: Cliffie, Cliff! There's a gentleman over here that thinks you know absolutely nothing about photosynthesis.
Cliff: Oh, yeah, who? Why... Why, I'll straighten him out. The first paper that was done...

Quote from Diane

Dr. Finch-Royce: Well, now, uh I need to begin to get to know you two, so, Diane, why don't, why don't you start?
Diane: Well, they say you don't have prenatal memories, but I have a distinct in-utero recollection of a Fourth of July concert my mother attended. There was at least one Souza march... [time lapse] And then he proposed to me in, of all places, a court of law. This time I acquiesced and agreed to become Mrs. Malone... [Sam snoring quietly] which brings us here today.
Dr. Finch-Royce: You know, my wife has a skirt very similar to the one you're wearing.

Quote from Diane

Dr. Finch-Royce: That's it. I've died and gone to hell.
Diane: Doctor, there's one thing you haven't considered.
Dr. Finch-Royce: Right. Fine. All right. Okay. Um, Sam, Diane, you two are perfect together. I'm sorry I made a mistake, but I now see that you are the most perfectly matched couple on the face of the earth. But, why, why am I telling you this? Let's, let's share it with the rest of the world, shall we? Hear this, world, the rest of you can stop getting married now! It's been done to perfection! Envy them, sofa. Envy them, chair. For you shall never be as cozy as they. For I guarantee that their marriage will be a total epoch-shattering success. And I stake my life on it! Wait, let, let me put that on record. [tapes] l, Dr. Simon Finch-Royce, being of sound mind, declare that Sam and Diane shall be together throughout all eternity, and if I am wrong, I hereby promise that I will take my own life in the most disgusting manner possible! Here, take the tape. No, no, no, no, no! Take the whole machine. It's my wedding gift to you. To you, the most perfect couple since the dawn of time!
Diane: [to Sam] See?

Quote from Woody

Frasier: Yes, of course, the marriage counselor. We were students together when I was a Rhodes Scholar.
Woody: Wow, you were a roads scholar? Tell me this: how come the stuff they fill in the potholes with is darker than the rest of the road?
Frasier: I don't know, Woody. I missed that day.
Woody: And now it's come back to haunt you.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Very well. From the moment of your pronouncement, we felt that you were wrong, and now we realize why. We gave you the wrong answers to your questions about the honeymoon. We've thought it over and now we want to give you our real answers.
Dr. Finch-Royce: Yes, well, it doesn't matter what you say now. You see, I mean, what matters is your first response, your gut reaction. I mean, you've had two hours to think about it now.
Diane: Yes, well, sometimes, it takes Sam two hours to come up with his first thought.

Quote from Diane

Sam: Why do you want to do this? We're not in trouble. We're not even married yet.
Diane: Sam, marriage counselors aren't just for people who are having troubles. His expertise will help us lay a solid foundation for our married life. [in British accent] Now, what say we give it a go?
Sam: Hey, wh- What's with this English accent? Ever since he walked in here, you- you been talking like the Queen was your Aunt Betty or something.
Diane: [with accent] Oh, tosh. What twaddle.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Ah, Simon! Simon, I've signed a blank check. Now, remember, no favors. I want you to fill in your regular fee.
Dr. Finch-Royce: Oh, as you wish. Thanks. Say, excuse me, I must dash back to the hotel.
Frasier: Oh, listen, just for my ledger, uh, what amount should I fill in?
Dr. Finch-Royce: $1,500. [exits]
Frasier: Fine. $1,500. Done. Pretentious limey bastard.

Quote from Sam

Woody: Hot dog!
Sam: What's up?
Woody: They just delivered my new mattress. Finally, a decent night's rest. Now all I got to do is figure out what to do with my old mattress. Any suggestions?
Sam: Well, mine's in the Smithsonian.
Woody: Oh, will they send a truck?

Page 2