Quote from The Last Picture Show
Cliff: So, uh, what'd I miss? Why- Why is that girl, uh, running around screaming at everybody?
Norm: Well, she's trying to convince them that, uh, that Godzilla's merely confused and not really trying to hurt them.
Cliff: Isn't that the part usually played by Akiro Nakamoto?
Norm: Yeah, yeah. But, uh, she left halfway through the Godzilla series.
Woody: I don't understand. Why would an actress leave right in the middle of a successful series?
Quote from Don't Shoot... I'm Only the Psychiatrist
Woody: I can't believe it. I'm being shunned. Just like back in Hanover. Just like with the Amish.
Norm: Wood? Who, uh, who shunned you back in Hanover?
Woody: The Amish. Weren't you here for this part?
Quote from Bar Wars VI: This Time It's for Real
Sam: Come on. It's a golden opportunity. We can win this time. We can steal all of Gary's best ideas and use 'em against this new guy. And you remember how Gary's always going first? We can learn from that. We can move first ourselves.
Frasier: Very good, Sam. As that famous prankster Santayana once said, "Those who do not learn from history are condemned to repeat it."
Woody: You got that right, Doctor Crane. Back in high school I was condemned to repeat History three times. By the way, the same goes for Mathematics.
Quote from Money Dearest
Woody: You know, funerals are a lot different here than they are back home.
Norm: Yeah? How's that, Woody?
Woody: Well, where I come from, when somebody dies, people come from miles around, bake lots of pies, bring all kinds of food, make speeches, ride the roller coaster. Oh, wait, that might be the state fair.
Quote from The Cranemakers
Rebecca: So, Woody, where were you all week?
Woody: The airport. Oh, it was great. I met people from all over the world.
Rebecca: You spent your entire vacation at the airport? [Sam chuckles]
Woody: Well, yeah. You know, I mean, at first I felt terrible about missing my flight, but then I started talking to this really nice guy, and it turned out he's from India. [chuckles] Can you imagine that? I'm from Indiana and he's from India. We laughed about that for hours. At least I think that's what he was laughing at.
Rebecca: Well, l- l'm glad you had a good time, Woody. I- I didn't expect you back today. I thought you'd need a rest, so I didn't schedule you until tomorrow.
Woody: Great! I'm out of here!
Rebecca: Where you going?
Woody: I hear great things about the bus depot.
Quote from Woody or Won't He
Woody: Oh, I hope it's a mesquite grill. Then I could make a mess of Aunt Lou's baby back ribs.
Rebecca: It is not a mesquite grill, Woody. It's a mechanical bull.
Woody: Well, it's just as well. Aunt Lou's ribs weren't all that good. Come to think of it, she choked on one of them. Just her luck... It was a week before the Heimlich maneuver came out.
Quote from Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh
Carla: What are you talking about? This is St. Paddy's Day. It's one of the busiest nights of the year. It's when Gary wheels out the big guns.
Sam: He can't do anything worse to us than he did last year. Remember that? The place was packed and Gary and his goons filled our stairwell with potatoes.
Woody: Yeah, and just my luck I was sitting on the bottom step tying my shoe at the time. Lucky for me you guys were able to dig me out. I'd hate to be the second member of my family buried alive by potatoes.
Quote from Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh
Norm: Guys, guys, we're going nuts here. I tell you, man, it's just sheer luck that no one was hurt in this situation, other than Rebecca.
Cliff: Wait, wait, wait, wait. This might be part of Gary's master plan.
Cliff: Keep us on the edge, off balance.
Woody: Yeah. Mr. Clavin's right. I think Gary's probably playing with us, like a rat with a mouse.
Sam: That's a cat and mouse, Woody. Cat and mouse.
Woody: Sam, a cat and a mouse don't play together. They're mortal enemies. They don't even know the same games. Think before you speak, Sam.
Quote from Rebecca Redux
Woody: Oh, Sam, check it out! Sheepskin covers!
Sam: What are you doing, man? Why are you buying all this vinyl cleaner, leather cleaner? I mean, sheepskin? You don't even have a car.
Woody: I know, Sam, but most of my furniture comes from the interior of cars. I've got to be careful when I shave because objects may be closer than they appear.
Quote from Woody Interruptus
Woody: I can't believe Kelly would be so mad at me just 'cause I stood up to Henri. It's like she's starting to like him better than me. Hey, Sam, you don't think that maybe they've been to...
Sam: To the back of the barn?
Woody: I was gonna say to bed together. What- What is the back of the barn? What does that mean? That- That's- That's where the compost heap is. I can't think of any place less romantic.
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