Rusty: Well, I don't know, Mike. Dad's making a lot of good points.
Mike: He said, "No."
Rusty: [chuckles] You can't argue with that.
Mike: Yeah, you can! That's part of the plan, remember? I said, "Dad's not gonna take this well." United front. You're supposed to have my back on this.
Rusty: Oh, yeah? Well, you were supposed to have my back the time I stole the lawnmower and drove to the Dairy Queen, but you squealed to Mom like a little girl.
Mike: That was 40 years ago.
Rusty: Yeah? Well, it's like they say... "Vengeance is a dish best served after a really long time."

Rusty: Ah, there you are.
Mike: Rusty? What are you doing here?
Rusty: Waiting six hours for you to come out.
Mike: Well, why didn't you knock on the front door?
Rusty: Ah, I thought you'd pick up my vibe. Remember how we always had that special brotherly bond where we could read each other's minds?
Mike: No.
Rusty: I knew you were gonna say no. [chuckles]
Mike: So, what are you doing back in town? Last I heard, you were in Tampa.
Rusty: Yeah, see? You got that.
Mike: That's 'cause you told me.

Axl: So, Uncle Rusty, whatcha been up to lately?
Rusty: Oh, I was in Tampa renting out Jet Skis. They weren't my Jet Skis, they were another guy's, so that became a problem. But I got something better I'm working on now.
Mike: Better than stealing another guy's Jet Skis?
Rusty: Well, that remains to be seen. But you guys know what bubble wrap is? Well, I'm making bubble-wrap clothes for old people because they're always falling down, breaking their old bones, but if you wrap 'em real tight with bubble wrap, they're protected. Also, it'll get the grandkids over more because little kids love to pop bubble wrap. [chuckles] Like you, little boy. Do you like to pop bubble wrap?
Brick: I'm 16. I shave. But yes.

Mike: [on the phone] Hey, Rusty, I need you to get over here as soon as you can. I gotta talk to you about something.
Rusty: [walks up from the basement; on the phone] Sure, just give me the address again.
Mike: What the hell? What are you doing in my basement?
Rusty: Oh. Well, I certainly wasn't taking pictures to put on Zillow.

Mike: How long you here for?
Rusty: Oh, I'm here to stay. Gonna move back in with Dad. You and me can hang out and do stuff together. You wanna go go-karting?
Mike: We're 50.
Rusty: Want to go get colonoscopies?

Rusty: I'm telling you, man, it's a golden opportunity.
Mike: I don't know, Rusty.
Rusty: Come on, Mike, how many llamas can I put you down for?

Rusty: So, uh, Brick, I got a little spelling tip for you.
Brick: Really?
Rusty: Yeah. What you want to do is memorize the consonants in your word first: your B's and your Q's and such. Then, once you've got them good and memorized, you just insert your vowels.
Brick: That sounds like it would be kind of confusing.
Rusty: Oh, yeah, yeah. It is.

Mike: Welcome to my empire, Yakutsk. Rusty, you know what? You're right. This is fun.
Rusty: Oh, sure. Yeah, you got to relive the old days while you have the chance. Like, remember when we were little? Remember that one time? You pretended to be dead. [chuckles] And I cried. [chuckles] And you still pretended to be dead, so I cried more. And then you laughed and called me a moron and tickled me till peed myself... [chuckles] And I cried.
Mike: What? I never did that.
Rusty: Sure you did. You used to do that stuff to me all the time.
Mike: Ah, you don't know what you're talking about. Like what kind of stuff?
Rusty: Well, you told me Jesus didn't love me. That one hurt because all the kids at Sunday school always said, "Jesus loves me." So I thought, "Man, this Jesus guy loves everybody. What's his beef with me?"
Mike: Wow. Rusty, I'm sorry.
Rusty: There was this one time you locked me in the closet all night. And I cried, and you said if I didn't stop crying, then Bobby Sherman would kill our mom.
Mike: Bobby Sherman the singer?
Rusty: Yeah.
Mike: Why would you believe that Bobby Sherman the singer was gonna kill mom?
Rusty: Because I believed everything you told me. Like, remember in high school? I wanted to be a meteorologist, but you told me my body would look womanly against the weather map. That's when I got into the old pet-dirt biz. And we all know how that worked out.

Mike: Okay, paralegal says we got to get her to sign a waiver and release form giving up all claim to the company. So, we got to just reason with her.
Rusty: With her, the trick is to be charming. It's like that prince... What's his name? He's really charming.
Mike: Prince Charming.
Rusty: Prince... Phillip... Prince Phillip.

Mike: I'm telling you, he can barely walk.
Rusty: Man, to see such a strong man like Dad laid so low. It's like an emotional punch to the package. Oop!
[After Rusty pulls to the side of the road, a man gets in]
Mike: What's going on?
Rusty: You Bryan?
Bryan: Yes.
Rusty: Well, I'm your driver... Juan. And this is my brother... Lancelot. I learned it's best when they can't trace anything back to you. Now, where were we? Oh, right. Talking about our dying pop.
Mike: Well, he's not dying. And I'm not talking about it in front of Bryan.
Rusty: He's cool. He got four stars.