Mike: Rusty, what the hell? Where were you?
Rusty: Oh, I was in my room, and then I heard the door, and then I came here.
Mike: Brick's Grandparents and Special People Day. Any of that ring a bell?
Rusty: Oh, well, I-I don't think that was, uh, that was actually a firm commitment.
Mike: [scoffs] Nothing's ever a firm commitment with you. This is what you do. You didn't even bother to show up at my wedding.
Rusty: [chuckles] Well, who has a wedding on a weekend?
Mike: Everyone on Earth.

Rusty: Hey! It's Brick's Uncle. I'm here for, uh, Grandparents and Special Friends Day.
Brick: You've gotta be kidding me.
Science Teacher: Uh, th-that was last week. Th-they're taking a test. Now is really not the best time.
Rusty: Oh, no, it's not the best time for me at all, but I'm here, so how does this work? What, do they, uh, sing me a song, give me a cupcake or somethin'?
Science Teacher: Oh. Well, I-I guess we might have a minute. Uh... is there... anything you'd like to share with the students?
Rusty: Yeah. Yeah, I got somethin'. They tell you you gotta learn your ABCs, but what they don't tell you is, you gotta learn them backwards while balancing on one foot with a flashlight in your face while some guy you went to high school with calls you a punk on account of he became a cop and you swerved a little and hit a fire hydrant. Ha!

Rusty: Oh, morning, Mike.
Mike: Rusty? What are you doing here?
Rusty: Oh. I'm using your hose water to brush my teeth.
Mike: Yeah, I got that. Why?
Rusty: Oh, on account I had a cavity on my, uh, last check-up. So I figured I shouldn't let up on the oral hygiene just 'cause I'm living in my car.
Mike: Oh, man, what are you doing that for? You should come in.
Rusty: Oh, no, I don't want to be a bother. If you're worried about the neighbors, I don't wash any of the sensitive areas till I know they've all gone to work.

Rusty: How about that? The kid's good.
Mike: Didn't I tell you?
Rusty: Yeah. So, how's this thing work? Uh, there's just one winner at the end, right?
Mike: Yeah. I think it's gonna come down to Brick and that Japanese kid. She's a machine.
Rusty: You know, she actually could be. The Japanese have been making robots that look like people for years.

Rusty: Hey, I'm making my own vitamins now. You want in?
Mike: Isn't that a big undertaking?
Rusty: No, not if you don't involve the FDA. All they do is dilute the potency. They don't want you living a long time. They made the Ebola to guard Area 51.
Mike: We got all our cash tied up in food and shelter right now. But if something changes, I'll let you know.

Mike: I just mean y-your life is a little unconventional. You live here. You don't own a home.
Rusty: Yeah, no mortgage to pay. That's got to weigh on you, huh?
Mike: Well, I mean, y-you don't have much stability. You don't have a steady job. You don't have a serious relationship.
Rusty: Right. And you got to go home to that short, angry lady, huh?
Mike: I don't think you get what I'm saying here. There's something fulfilling about raising a family.
Rusty: Yeah, but I don't have to worry about getting three girls into college.
Mike: Neither do I.
Rusty: That's a great attitude, Mike. [chuckles] If they really want it, they'll work for it. Ah. Listen, I know you've... You've made some bad choices in life, and, uh... [Mike scoffs] I feel for you, buddy. Hey, you want me to take you out and buy you a beer? I won't be buying. I'm just using that as an expression.
Mike: Can't. Got to get home. You know, the short, angry lady and all. [Rusty sighs] Yeah.

Frankie: [v.o.] Even unannounced, it's always nice to have family home. Well, sometimes.
Mike: So, Rusty, what brings you by?
Rusty: Well, I suppose you're wondering what brings me by.
Mike: Yes, that's...
Rusty: I've got a business opportunity, and I want to get my big brother in on the ground floor.
Mike: Well, I appreciate you thinking about me, Rusty, but, uh, I didn't really get your last idea.
Rusty: Oh, pancake cup? It was a coffee mug made out of pancakes. When you finish drinking it, you just ate the cup. But Mike pointed out that pancakes don't hold liquid on account of they're made mostly out of pancakes.
Mike: Fatal flaw.

Rusty: So, uh, I want to let you in on this idea. You know, it wouldn't feel right to be a billionaire while you guys live like this. [chuckles]
Frankie: Well, the thing is, all our discretionary money has recently gone to a motorcycle and a possible upcoming hospital visit, so it's probably not for us.
Rusty: Well, what I'm looking for is, uh, brainstorming help, and Mike's my man. So... [Rust takes a diaper out of his briefcase] What color do you think the private jet should be? [chuckles]
Mike: Rusty, disposable diapers have been around awhile.
Rusty: Wait for it. [Rusty turns the diaper around to reveal a Michigan football logo on the front]
Mike: I've seen stuff with logos on them.
Rusty: Wait for it. [Rusty opens the diaper to reveal an Ohio football logo inside] You see? You root for your team on the outside and you poop on your rival's team on the inside. I call it Li'I Rivals. And the best part is, you're teaching your kids to hate early.

Frankie: [v.o.] I decided this was happening, so I might as well be the supportive wife, a process made easier with a large tumbler of Aunt Edie's creme de menthe.
Mike: Who are we marketing to? Who's gonna buy these diapers?
Rusty: Duh. Babies.

Mike: Okay, that's fine. You charm her, okay? The important thing is that this ends today 'cause we don't want her coming back, not ever.
Rusty: Not ever... wait a minute. You want to kill her?
Mike: No, Rusty. What I'm saying is you used to be married to her, so try to take advantage of whatever creepy spark attracted you in the first place.
Rusty: Oh, I see where you're going with this. You want me to marry her again, take her to the Grand Canyon for our honeymoon.
Mike: No.
Rusty: Pose for a quick photo on the edge, and then oops... Just another selfie gone bad. [chuckles] I like it.
Plus, I've never been to the Grand Canyon, so win-win.
Mike: No, Rusty. We're not gonna murder her.
Rusty: Oh, right, yes. We already all heard you. [chuckles] Not murdering her.