Mike: What the hell happened?
Rusty: Huh? Oh. Well, you know how it is with the economy.
Mike: The economy burned down your house?
Rusty: Well, no, that was, uh... That was a massive fire.
Mike: Why didn't you call me?
Rusty: Are you a fireman?
Mike: I'm your brother, for God sake. How'd this happen?
Rusty: Eh, well, I was, uh, runnin' the hot plate about four weeks ago, and I noticed one of the cords was frayed. I kept telling myself, keep your eye on that. But wouldn't you know it? I fell asleep facedown with a cigarette in my mouth. I blame myself partially.

Mike: We don't have to stick to just sports. It works with any rivals. You could do dogs and cats, Republicans and Democrats.
Rusty: Pope and Anti-Pope.
Mike: I'm not sure the Pope has a natural enemy.
Rusty: How about a bobcat?
Mike: Hmm. I don't think so.
Rusty: If you have a bobcat, you know he's going after a pope if he has the chance. And vicey-versey. [Mike gives Rusty an exasperated shrug] Should we press pause on the diapers and really focus on this Pope v. Bobcat stuff?
Mike: Let's get this going and then maybe look at that farther down the line.
Rusty: Yeah. The thing is, this Pope/bobcat thing is itching at my brain. And in my experience, that means bub's a winner.
Mike: I'm not angry, but I-I need you to not say "bobcat" again.

Rusty: Now, listen. I got something that'll solve this whole deal. We send all the old people to war. We need somebody to fight the wars, and old people, they need something to do. They're gonna die soon anyway. This way, they go out with a real sense of purpose.
Mike: Yeah. We're not sending Dad to war.
Rusty: Well, I don't see any other option.
Mike: Really? You don't see any other option?
Rusty: Look, we'd all like to think peace would work, but I don't see it happening in our lifetime.

Rusty: [to Aunt Edie] No kidding? You're still driving? Well, that's just terrifying. [both laugh] You know, you're eating butter, by the way.

Mike: Rusty, what's all this?
Rusty: Oh, this? It's my new business. We make NFL shower curtains.
Mike: Really? You're making NFL shower curtains? You actually got permission from the NFL?
Rusty: Oh, yes, yes. No. No. Not officially. It's okay, though. I figured a way around it. Check this out. Huh?
Mike: "Cincinnati Begals"? "New York Gants."
Rusty: Yeah. Nobody will notice. It's a proven scientific fact. Your brain will just fill in the missing letters.
Mike: Maybe your brain.

Mike: Wow. Our old room!
Rusty: He hasn't changed anything from when we were growing up. All this time I've been staying in the tire room, I could have been living here. My dirt! [laughs] Ah, you remember when Pet Rocks took off? Ah. I thought pet dirt would be right behind it. That's seven years of my life I'd like to get back.
[Mike moves a bag to reveal a poster of Farrah Fawcett]
Mike: There she is!
Rusty: Oh, man. That's when pointies meant something. Ha. Now you see them everywhere.

Rusty: That's why I gave Beth the necklace.
Mike: Who's Beth?
Rusty: That's your daughter. Beth.
Mike: Her name is Sue.
Rusty: Oh, I thought that was the little one's name.
Mike: He's a boy.
Rusty: Huh. You never heard of a boy named Sue?
Mike: I heard of the song.
Rusty: That's a song?
Mike: Anyway, it was an extravagant gift that came out of nowhere, so...
Rusty: Well, I just thought she should have it. She deserves it. I mean, things are tough enough for her going through life with a boy's name, you know?

Rusty: So, uh, I want to let you in on this idea. You know, it wouldn't feel right to be a billionaire while you guys live like this. [chuckles]
Frankie: Well, the thing is, all our discretionary money has recently gone to a motorcycle and a possible upcoming hospital visit, so it's probably not for us.
Rusty: Well, what I'm looking for is, uh, brainstorming help, and Mike's my man. So... [Rust takes a diaper out of his briefcase] What color do you think the private jet should be? [chuckles]
Mike: Rusty, disposable diapers have been around awhile.
Rusty: Wait for it. [Rusty turns the diaper around to reveal a Michigan football logo on the front]
Mike: I've seen stuff with logos on them.
Rusty: Wait for it. [Rusty opens the diaper to reveal an Ohio football logo inside] You see? You root for your team on the outside and you poop on your rival's team on the inside. I call it Li'I Rivals. And the best part is, you're teaching your kids to hate early.

Mike: Well, listen... I came out to find you 'cause dad broke his hip. Never even told me he was in the hospital.
Rusty: For crying out loud. What does it take that old man to pick up a phone, huh?
Mike: Yeah. Well, he's gonna stay with us through Thanksgiving. I'm guessing you're not doing anything for Thanksgiving yourself.
Rusty: Wasn't planning anything big.
Mike: Why don't you come stay with us? It'd be nice for the kids to see you.
Rusty: Oh, you still got the kids, huh?
Mike: Yeah, the state makes you keep 'em until a certain age.
Rusty: Well, uh, I don't want to be a bother.

Frankie: [v.o.] So over the clutter and through the stoves, to grandfather's house Brick went.
Rusty: [opens door] Oh. Hey, I know you. From that time we ate turkey. You're Kevin. Kenny!
Brick: Brick.
Rusty: Well, if you say so.
Brick: Actually, Uncle Rusty, I was looking for Grandpa Big Mike. Grandparents and Special Friends day is coming up at my school, and I wanted to see if he could come to my class.
Rusty: Nah, they're tearing down a Red Roof Inn in Traverse City, and, uh, Dad's down there picking up 40 toilets.
Brick: Shoot. I'm straddling check, check-minus territory here. I could really use the extra credit. Hey, maybe you could come.
Rusty: Well, what are they paying?
Brick: Uh, they're not paying anything.
Rusty: Oh. [chuckles] Well, uh, I've been looking for a reason to put on a pair of pants, so sure.