Sue: Brad, I just don't know what I'm gonna do.
Brad: Well, I do. You need to make him know what he's missing, Sue. You need to make him jealous.
Sue: You're right, Brad. I'm gonna go for it. And you are just the man to help me.
Brad: Oh, I'm so in. And I know exactly what loafers I'm gonna wear. Can I Instagram this? Oh. Hashtag Stunning.

Sue: Brad! What are you doing here? You know how much I want this. There is no way I can beat you and your amazing tap legs.
Brad: Sue, if I win the car... pause to deliver dramatic line... I'm giving it to you!
Sue: What?! Are you serious?
Brad: I already have my Miata. You deserve to know the freedom a great set of wheels can bring. Sue, I will stand here until they drag my skeleton body away if that's what it takes to win my best friend in the whole world this car. [insect buzzing] Oh! Bee! Bee! Bee!
Mr. Ehlert: There's one down.

Brad: First, I called the main line, and they connected me with Eric from HR.
Sue: Oh, human resources.
Brad: I knew just any old story wasn't gonna fly, so I used my improv training, and I really went for it.
Sue: He said that it was vital that I be there for Brick's graduation because we have a very special brother-sister relationship, a very unique brother-sister bond, and that I am the only one he lets change his breathing tube.
Brad: [laughs] That one just came to me at the last minute. It's called "raising the stakes."

Brad: NYU is awesome, and New York is amazing. You can get a hot pretzel literally any time of the day.
Sue: No.
Brad: Pick a time of the day, Sue.
Sue: 2:00 a.m.
Brad: You can get a pretzel.
Sue: Shut up!
Brad: And New Yorkers don't say pop, they say soda. And they don't say purse, they say pocketbook!
Sue: So I can buy a soda with money from my pocketbook?
Brad: You'd fit right in.
Sue: Ahh! Have you seen any celebrities?
Brad: I'm pretty sure I saw Greg Kinnear at a Starbucks. But I briefly blacked out. When I came to, he was gone.

Brad: Oh, shut up, Brad. Here I am going on and on about myself and I haven't even asked how you're doing.
Sue: Actually, Brad, not so good. I'm living in a bin and my family's falling apart.
Brad: What? Wait, Judge Joe Brown falling apart or Dr. Phil falling apart?
Sue: Axl's got this girlfriend nobody likes and it all blew up and he didn't come home for Thanksgiving and my mom is devastated, and I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be talking to Axl or not talking to Axl. It's all just very stressful. There is so much drama.
Brad: Sue, look at me.
Sue: I am looking at you.
Brad: I am here for you. And I'm gonna help you forget all your troubles. With everything you've been through, you deserve to have some fun. They say New York is the city that never sleeps, but tonight, that's gonna be Gumford.
Sue: Really? Most stuff closes at 10:00, but the 24-hour mini-mart closes at 11:00.

Sue: So, we talk about how much time and effort it takes to really get to know someone, and then he says, "This might sound crazy, but maybe you and I should..." But he pauses, so I say...
Brad: Oh, don't tell me! I never want this story to end. Okay, tell me!
Sue: I say... "set each other up on a date?"
Brad: Shut... up.
Sue: Ugh! I know! I don't know what I was doing, Brad. I goofed my chance is what I did. I had an opportunity to go for it, and it's gone forever! [sighs]
Brad: Sue, look at me. Now look away. Now look at me again. You need to pull yourself up by your boot straps and, in the word of Swedish supergroup ABBA, "Take a chance. Take a chance. Take a... Take a chance... chance"!

Brad: Sue, I'm telling you. This is a good sign he wants to see you again.
Sue: Not necessarily. He's just being nice. That's probably why he kissed me in the first place.
Brad: You know what we need to do?
Sue: Send him a dolphin emoji?
Brad: No, definitely not. We need to set up another kiss opportunity.
Sue: And then if he kisses me again, we'll know he really likes me.
Brad: I have an idea, but we need an old streetcar, a homeless saxophone player, and 30 racially diverse extras.

Sue: Brad, what is the matter with you?!
Brad: What?
Sue: You were so boring! Where is Brad? You were like the shell of Brad with no Brad inside.
Brad: Oh, I'm sorry. When I get nervous, I shut down. The same thing happens to me when I get around my improv coach. He was David James Elliott's stunt double on JAG. Yeah, that JAG.

Sue: Mom, Dad. This is Brad, my boyfriend. [shrieks]
Frankie: [quietly to Mike] Okay, be cool.
Mike: Yeah.
Frankie: Hi, Brad.
Brad: Hi, you guys. Oh, my gosh, I'm super-excited to finally meet my GF's P's.
Frankie: [v.o.] "Girlfriend's parents." I looked it up later.
Frankie: Well, we are so excited to meet you too, Brad. Aren't we, Mike?
Mike: Yup. So you like to square dance, huh?
Brad: Oh, I just love square dancing. Well, all types of dance, really. You know, ballet, tap, rhythmic. OMG, is that vintage flannel?
Mike: No. Just... Just old.
Brad: And super-cute.
Mike: [chuckles] Well, thanks.

Brad: Here, taste this. I wanna see if there's enough cinnamon.
Sue: Okay.
Brad: Don't move. Your lips are really chapped.
Sue: Is that lipstick?
Brad: God, why does everybody always ask me that? It is glossy ChapStick.