Frankie: It's so embarrassing. All right. So that's it then? I look like some granny now? I need to call my sister.
Bob: Mm. No, you don't. You've got me... And I am here to tell you that you are a vibrant young woman, full of life and beauty.
Frankie: Blah, blah, blah.
Bob: Don't take my word for it. See for yourself. Who is this beautiful lady from just last Tuesday? Ohh, and this one, with sunlight dappled on her face? And this lovely lass eating a doughnut by the copy machine?
Frankie: Wow. Bob, you have a lot of pictures of me.
Bob: Not just you. Here's Mike. The kids. [sighs] Your house at night. So full of slumbering peace. Wanna see it at Christmas?
Frankie: No, thanks, Bob.

Frankie: Well, I'm up to eight people for Thanksgiving, so it should feel pretty full. You're not gonna bail on me, are you?
Bob: No. Mm. You have to let me bring something.
Frankie: Okay.
Bob: I was thinking maybe yams... String beans... And my girlfriend.
Frankie: Really?
Bob: Yes. I was trying to slip it in as if she was another food but it's not. It's my girlfriend.
Frankie: Wow! You have a girlfriend? Bob, that's great. Oh. So is this someone you've actually... You know, met?
Bob: Of course. She's a librarian at the public library. I would never have the strength to approach her if I hadn't been listening to this motivational podcast. It has given me the confidence to just deal with people differently.
Frankie: That's right. I remember last week when Pete tried to take the meat out of your sandwich, and you didn't let him.
Bob: I didn't let him!

Lisa: [o.s.] Wow, Brick. This is very impressive.
Brick: [o.s.] Thank you.
Lisa: [o.s.] And you've read all these?
Brick: [o.s.] Sure have.
Bob: [storms into Brick's room] Oh, e-excuse me. I thought this was the bathroom. Whatcha doin'?
Lisa: Brick was just showing me his books. He's got an amazing collection.
Bob: Oh, really? I showed Lisa my car when I drove her here. 'Cause I have a car and a driver's license. Do you have a driver's license, Brick?
Lisa: No, but I have a library card.
Bob: Oh, yeah? I stayed up till midnight last night. How about you?

Bob: The enemy of my enemy is my friend.
Axl: Okay.
Bob: I know you and your brother have had trouble in the past. Maybe we could help each other out. Does he have any weaknesses, vulnerabilities?
Axl: Bob, are you scared that my 9-year-old brother is gonna steal your girlfriend?
Bob: So allergies maybe?

Frankie: I just don't know what we're gonna do, Bob. We're busting our butts to pay the mortgage on a house that is obviously trying to kill us.
Bob: Well, you know the girl that cuts my hair Brooke, down at the barber college? 6 bucks! I hate to see her graduate. She really knows my head.
Frankie: This going anywhere, Bob?
Bob: Anyway, her dad got laid off. You know, so they had to move out of the house, so they rented an apartment at Hickory Arms.
Frankie: The cheese and sausage place?
Bob: No, that's farms. This is arms.
Frankie: Oh.
Bob: So they weren't thrilled about downsizing, but you know what? They pay less than they did before, and they love it.
Frankie: An apartment? Really? I don't know.
Bob: Frankie, think about it. Why are you throwing money at that house? If something breaks at Hickory Arms, you call the manager, it's fixed.
Frankie: Ooh. Fixed sounds so nice.
Bob: Oh, it is. That's why I rent. That's why my mom rents. I don't, uh... I chip in when I can, 'cause, you know, I'm not a mooch.

Axl: Whoa, Bob. Hold up.
Bob: No, I'm a loser! I'm a huge loser!
Axl: No, you're not. I didn't mean that.
Bob: No, it's true. Of course it's true. [sighs] I am sharing a hot plate with Patrick Standingbear, and I can't even beat up a snowman? [thud] Ow!
Axl: We put boulders in there for the Glossners. Look... What I meant to say was, you're like this guy, okay, who's on his own... And I guess I didn't get why you would want to be friends with me. You've got this career going. You've been to Disney World, and what have I done? Nothing. I'm the loser.
Bob: Hey. Hey. Don't put yourself down.
Axl: No, it's true. I mean, I still live with my parents.
Bob: That is nothing to be embarrassed about. Your time will come.
Axl: Yeah? [sighs] Thanks. I feel better. So why don't you come inside, huh? We can hang out. I mean, if that's cool.
Bob: Hells, yeah.
Frankie: [v.o.] So as it turned out, Axl ended up giving a Christmas gift after all.

Mr. Ehlert: [into microphone] Don Ehlert here, and this place is swarming with customers, so get on down here and get yours while the getting is good.
Pete: 7 million people watch the Indy 500, and you couldn't get one of them down here with your dumb idea.
Frankie: Yeah. At least I had something. Fish-face had more ideas than you.
Mr. Ehlert: So zoom on down to Ehlert Motors before all the deals are gone. How do you go to music on this thing? Come on, music, music.
Bob: [sings] We're here at Ehlert's And we're selling lots of cars There's a really cool yellow one And we got other colors If yellow's not your thing

Frankie: [v.o.] And my latest job I'm too smart for is selling cars at Orson's last surviving car dealership.
Pete: What a month, huh? [clicks tongue]
Bob: Frankie, don't let him intimidate you. He may be the king of sales around here, but he's been rejected by the Elks Lodge twice. I'm not gonna say by who. It was me. [chuckles]
Frankie: Really?
Bob: I told them that he's a pedophile.
Frankie: No.
Bob: Yeah. He's not. He's not a pedophile. He's not.

Frankie: [answers phone] Hi, Bob.
Bob: Frankie, yeah, it's me, Bob. Listen, that Gail woman, she came back to purchase a car. She's looking for you. But that dummy Pete, he's moving in for the kill. He's plying her with snow cones. I don't think she can hold out much longer. She's on her second grape.
Frankie: No, no! That is my customer! Listen, don't let her move. I'm gonna be right there, okay?

Bob: So how was the big weekend?
Frankie: It didn't happen. Mike and I got in this big fight. He says I take on too much with the kids and my aunts. But what am I supposed to do? Everybody needs something from me.
Bob: Must be hard, being needed. I should tell you about my life but I don't wanna make you jealous. Have I mentioned I'm a bag in the wind?
Frankie: I'm just so tired. And now Mike's mad at me.
Bob: Hey, before you take care of your relationship, you need to take care of you. You're exhausted and you need to take a little break. Right now.
Frankie: I can't.
Bob: Of course you can. You deserve it. The world's not gonna stop turning if you take 15 minutes.
Frankie: Ehlert will be over me because I didn't make coffee.
Bob: I'll do it, all right? That's my anniversary gift to you, all right? Go. Enjoy.