Axl: I don't get what the point of me learning how to put a sink in is anyway. I mean, I'm a business major. Why would I need to know how to do this?
Big Mike: You need to know... so you'll know.
Axl: Wha... What does that even mean?!

Frankie: [v.o.] I figured if you're gonna have a maid, you got to have a good vacuum, so I sent Mike to the place with the biggest inventory at the best prices.
Mike: Hello? [enters] Hello? Hello? Dad? Dad? What happened to you?
Big Mike: Nothing happened.
Mike: Well, something happened. You're walking with a cane.
Big Mike: I know how I'm walking. What... What do you want?
Mike: Just came by to borrow a vacuum cleaner.
Big Mike: Oh, I-I'm not sure I can spare one at this juncture.
Mike: You got 15.
Big Mike: You counting my vacuum cleaners now?

Big Mike: These mashed potatoes are sure something else.
Frankie: [v.o.] Well, who would've thought "I love you" would turn out to be the biggest wet blanket ever thrown over a Thanksgiving dinner? But then two hours later, the Colts won...
Rusty: Yes! What a comeback!
Big Mike: Oh! How about that?
Frankie: [v.o.] And what we couldn't solve in five days, Peon Manning solved in five seconds.
Big Mike: Well, I appreciate the hospitality these past few days, but I'd best be getting back to my place.
Rusty: Well, at least, uh, let me drive you, you know? You probably shouldn't be driving yourself.
Big Mike: Well, if you're gonna drive me there, might as well stay the night.
Rusty: Yeah, I could pitch my tent in the yard.
Big Mike: Well, if you're gonna pitch your tent, you might as well come inside.
Rusty: Well, if I come inside, I might as well, uh, move some stuff around in your place. You know, fix you some meals, and, uh, till you get rid of the walker.
Big Mike: Okay. Suit yourself.
Rusty: Yeah. Suits me.

Mike: Don't know why you even want it, Dad. Doesn't work.
Big Mike: You never know when you need a backup.
Mike: You already got six busted dishwashers sitting in your yard.
Big Mike: Now I got seven. I'll just hoist it up on the truck there, and I'll be out of your hair.
Mike: Hang on. Let me do it.
Big Mike: Oh, no, I don't want to be a bother.
Mike: Not a bother, Dad. If you have a heart attack trying to move it, that's gonna be a bother.
Big Mike: Well, don't scratch it.

Big Mike: Doctor? What are you gonna call a doctor for? I'll just burn it off of him right here.
Brick: Uh, yeah. I don't know how I feel about burning things off my neck... Or any place, really.
Mike: Relax, Dad. We got it.
Big Mike: Well, all right, but if that head buries, you know what's gonna happen.
Brick: I don't! What's gonna happen?!
Big Mike: I used to cut ticks out of you all the time, and you're still here, aren't you?
Mike: I'm not burning or cutting anything off of or out of my son, okay?
Big Mike: Wow. When did you get so soft? Guess I always wanted a daughter.
Mike: Dad. Enough.
Big Mike: I'm just saying, that's... That's not how I raised you.
Mike: Don't talk about how you raised me. You weren't around that much. Okay? You didn't do that great a job.
Big Mike: Well, I guess... I'm done here. I'll just get on down the road. Thanks for the dishwasher.

Mike: You're getting married.
Rusty: Oh. Well, when you know, you know.
Big Mike: "When you know" what, "you know" what?
Mike: Rusty getting married.
Big Mike: Oh, yeah? Does that mean I can get my tire room back?
Mike: So you didn't know either?
Big Mike: Well, it's not really my business. I don't want to pry. So you're getting hitched, huh? Any toaster on the second floor is yours.

Big Mike: Well, I might have an extra sink in the backyard. Only got 17 at the moment, but I guess I can let one go.
Mike: I appreciate it, Dad. Right now a free sink is about all we can afford.

Big Mike: It's amazing what you can get done when you put your phone down.
Axl: Can I, uh, get my phone back now or...
Big Mike: Okay, I'm heading home for the night. I gotta soak my foot so I can get it in my shoe tomorrow. We'll drop in the sink in the morning. Got to find another screw like this one. Put in the faucet assembly.
Axl: You, uh, going to the hardware store or...
Big Mike: Why would I buy something we already own? [lifts up a large bucket of screws]
Axl: Mmm.
Big Mike: You find one tonight, we can start first thing.
Axl: [chuckles] What? There's like a thousand screws in there. I gotta go through all that to find one that matches? Aren't screws, like, 3 cents?
Big Mike: That's 3 cents in your pocket.

Frankie: So, while we were gone, we got the best babysitter we could find. But she wanted 10 bucks an hour, so we went with free.
Big Mike: Hey there, Brick. I found this out by the curb. I'm guessing someone threw it out 'cause it's busted.
Brick: That was Mom. She ruined it sucking up rotted lettuce out of the fridge.
Big Mike: Oh, well, we'll get her fixed up.
Brick: I'm sorry you had to come all the way over, Grandpa Big Mike. I told Mom and Dad I could take care of myself.
Big Mike: Oh, now, you may think you can, but you need somebody to look after you. Remember, the bird that leaves the nest too early ends up on drugs in Indianapolis. So, who's ready to have a little fun with his grandpa?
[later, Brick watches TV while Big Mike snores on the couch]

Brick: Hey, Grandpa Big Mike.
Big Mike: [wakes up] Um, I was just resting my eyes and... What... What's this?
Brick: It's 9:00. I was getting kind of hungry, so I went to the store and did a little grocery shopping. I made us scrambled eggs. [whispers] Scrambled.
Big Mike: I'm not sure about this, Brick. I've never been too crazy about yellow food.
Brick: They're good for you. Just try one bite. [Big Mike looks unsure] One bite.
Big Mike: That's not bad... For a food that's yellow.
Brick: If you eat it all, you'll get dessert.
Big Mike: You know, I've never been crazy about plain water. You got any juice?