Turk: You know what sucks about having a hot nanny, I can't even look at Heather without Carla going ballistic.
Todd: Skeptical air five! She can't be that hot.
Turk: Oh, really, because I just so happen to have a video from my nanny-cam, that begs to differ.
Ted: My mom put a nanny-cam in our bathroom, she said my baths were too long.

Ted: As legal counselor, it is my job to inform you that your suspension is effective immediately. [Dr. Cox looks at Ted] Oh, God, just the messenger. Your long-term job status will be decided at the board meeting. Until then, and I cannot bend on this, I don't want you setting foot on the premises.
Dr. Cox: I'm going to be here all day.
Ted: That works for me. That'd be good. I hope that works out.

Ted: You know, I'm noticing the bottoms of your slippers are rather slick. Perhaps they contributed in some way to the incident this morning.
Dr. Kelso: Those are hospital booties, you moron.
Ted: And now I'm a moron.

Ms. Hanson: We'll see each other around. J.D., I'm really glad you were here...
Ted: Ms. Hanson, he's gone. You know, if I were in your slippers, I'd sue this hospital for all it's worth.
Ms. Hanson: Really?
Ted: We could run away together.

Ted: Ooh, Mr. Sarcastic strikes again. For God's sake, sir, just fire me.
Dr. Kelso: Just get him to sign the damn paper.
J.D.: What's this?
Ted: If you develop any symptoms that suggest you may have contracted hepatitis B, this form states the hospital is not responsible.
J.D.: Thanks. That's comforting.
Ted: I'm sure you'll be fine.
J.D.: Here's your pen.
Ted: Uh... Keep it.

Ted: Good morning, Dr. Dorian.
J.D.: Ted, you probably don't notice it yourself, but this hospital is a freak show.
Ted: This is my band. We're all working from different departments in the hospital. [vocalizing] Legal
Roy: [vocalizing] Accounting
Crispin: [vocalizing] Shipping and Receiving
Randall: [vocalizing] Online Property Management Including Pest Control Night Time Security And Non-Arboreal Gardening Services
J.D.: That's- That's just great.
Ted: We mostly do a cappella versions of cartoon theme songs. [they sign the Speed Racer theme]

J.D.: My bad.
Ted: Imipenem. Imipenem. Imipenem. "Unlike gentamicin and tetracycline, imipenem has never been associated with anosmia." [sighs manically] My God, we're OK. We're okay.
J.D.: Great. Thank you, Ted.
Ted: It's my birthday.
J.D.: What?
Ted: Nothing. [J.D. exits] And many more...

Ted: Now, you haven't discussed the lawsuit with Mr. Bragin, have you?
[flashback:]
Elliot: A lawsuit?
[present:]
Elliot: It sort of came up, yeah.
Ted: Oh, God! Tell me you didn't antagonize him.
[flashback:]
Elliot: So sue me!
[present:]
Ted: Or admit fault.
[flashback:]
Elliot: That is totally my fault.
[present:]
Ted: Oh, come on! A good lawyer couldn't win this case.
Dr. Kelso: Ah, new drapes. They're awful.

Dr. Kelso: So, Ted, how's Professor Cox doing?
Ted: Excellent, sir.
Dr. Kelso: And you know what else?
Ted: I quit.
Dr. Kelso: No, you don't.
Ted: Well, I'm leaving early.
Dr. Kelso: No, you're coming to my office and doing busy work.
Ted: Fine, but I'm getting a soda first.
Dr. Kelso: Whatever.
[Ted punches the air in excitement]

Ted: Same thing happened to me. After my divorce, I told Mariana I was going to crash at her place for a few weeks, and we've been sharing a bed for eight years.
J.D.: Isn't Mariana your mother?
Ted: Hey, who are we talking about here, you or me?