Dr. Kelso: Well, well, well, snip my pickle and call me Shlomo! You're not actually applying for residency director.
Dr. Cox: Oh, I don't know, Bob. Here, I like to think I've accomplished plenty of things much more difficult than this. Why, just yesterday morning I somehow managed to hack into your voice-mail and change the outgoing message to, "Hi, this is Big Bob. Why, I'm not in right now but, at the beep, leave your name and your penis size!"
Dr. Kelso: Perry, have you ever wondered why you've never risen above clinical staff at this hospital? I mean, come on, pal, who do you think the board listens to concerning promotions around here? Why don't I tell you after the beep?
Dr. Steadman: Beeeeeeep.
Dr. Kelso: Bob Kelso. Ten inches.
Dr. Steadman: It's like a baguette!

Dr. Cox: You know, Bobbo, I find you less repugnant as of late. I'm developing a begrudging indifference to you.
Dr. Kelso: Ah, Perry, you're so edgy and cantankerous. You're like House without the limp.

Elliot: Hi, how are you? I need David Farr's chart.
Nurse Roberts: We all need lots of things.
Elliot: Great. Dr. Kelso? You're the Chief of Medicine. Is there a special way to communicate with nursing staff that I'm not getting?
Dr. Kelso: Well, sugar won't work because they're already so sweet. Now, listen, Dr. Whatever-the-hell-your-name-is, you tattled yesterday, I responded. I feel closer to you than ever, really. But the ramifications are yours. So don't try to drag me into your pathetic, whiny, little squabble with that Godawful bunch of malcontents. I hope you all kill each other. Have a great day, ladies.
Elliot: I hate this place.

Dr. Kelso: Ah, Dr. Turkleton!
Turk: Actually, sir, it's Turk.
Dr. Kelso: That's your first name.
Turk: You think my name is Turk Turkleton?
Dr. Kelso: And Mrs. Turkleton. The Turkletons. [laughs] Can I get a scotch?

Dr. Kelso: So, I have been looking at Dr. Benson's chart. His chest x-ray was normal, his vitals are stable, so let's discharge him.
Dr. Cox: Well, now hold the phone there, skipper. Now, Dr. Benson should be able to stay here until he feels he's ready to go. I mean, give me a break, he was only Chief of Medicine for ten years.
Dr. Kelso: Well, I haven't had my coffee yet, so I'm finding it hard coming up with a more colorful way to say "Who gives a crap?" Actually, that wasn't half bad.

Dr. Kelso: When the Kelsonoviches settled in Monroeville, P.A., there were two steel mills, three bars, and not a doctor in sight. Then my old man set up a shingle and started delivering babies and stitching up three-fingered steel men by the wagonload. Everybody loved him. When they couldn't come up with the cash, he would gladly accept a handmade sweater or a bushel of turnips. [laughs] Jackass.

Dr. Kelso: Enid has always understood how much my career meant to me. She knows I'm an important man in my field, and it helps her get on all those boards of things her friends are on. You know, like, bringing art to the underprivileged kids in the community, blah, blah, blah. When I first met her, she wanted to be a psychiatrist. But we both decided that that wasn't a fitting profession for a family woman. No offence, sweetheart. I know she's grateful. She likes to joke that I choked the last breath of life out of her long ago. Now she's just a shell of a woman. [laughs] I think that's so cute. I call her Shelly. [laughs] You know, when I call her that, sometimes she laughs so hard, she cries a little.

Turk: Sir, whatever happened to Bunny? We gotta know.
Dr. Kelso: Well, actually, the music came before Bunny. I learned to play the guitar growing up as a young rapscallion in Mississippi. But things didn't really take off until I moved to Memphis. Then I met the Colonel, and the hits just kept coming. Unfortunately, it went to my head. I gained a lot of weight, started wearing a white jumpsuit and ate tranquilizers like they were trail mix.
Elliot: Sir.
Dr. Kelso: Then, in 1977, I died on the toilet. Or did I?
Turk: You never played the guitar?
Dr. Kelso: Son, that crap is for hippies! Now, for God's sake, get back to work.
Elliot: Yes, sir.
Dr. Kelso: [as Elvis] Thank you very much.

Dr. Kelso: Finally, we have Dr. Reid's necrotizing fasciitis case. Deceased. Now, don't be frightened, sweetheart. No one's on trial here. At least not until the family sues your little behind.
Elliot: [laughs]
Dr. Kelso: Sweetie, I'm not joking. But should that happen, you may rest assured that the hospital will stand behind you 100 per cent.
Elliot: Thank you very much, sir.
Dr. Kelso: Now, see, there I was joking. Try to keep up.

Dr. Kelso: Here at Sacred Heart, I like to think that our patients choose our hospital not only because I leak vicious rumors about competing hospitals to the press, but also because when they see one of our doctors they think, "Now that's a professional!"
Elliot: Um, I don't think I look unprofessional.
[from Elliot's P.O.V., with her bangs covering the top of the frame:]
Dr. Kelso: I've let this whole new look thing slide the last few months, but now that your colleagues are beginning to complain, I'm going to give you the same advice I give my son every morning. Lose the makeup, get a haircut, and stop using my razor to shave your fun zone!