Dr. Cox: Okay. Last patient. A pre-excitation of the ventricle due to accessory pathway's a condition called what? [two interns raise their hands] It's Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome. Nice job. I'm out of time, so I'm going to go ahead and answer these last questions myself. Now what is... [hands go up] Let me finish. What is Ebstein's anomaly? [hands go up] Great job, group. I appreciate the effort. Now leave. [whistles] Not you. You didn't raise your hand, not even once.
Ed: I wasn't feeling it.
Dr. Cox: Well, it's perfectly understandable, but for the record, what is Ebstein's anomaly? [Ed raises his hand] Yes, dark haired guy.
Ed: Oh, I thought it was just the hand-rising part. Okay, I know I was supposed to read up on that. But Dr. Cox, are you familiar with those electronic trivia games they have at bars?
Dr. Cox: Sure.
Ed: My buddies and I bought one at a police auction, and we've got this really intense game going. And they're going to call me whenever my team's turn comes up.
Dr. Cox: Wow. Your laziness has finally caught up with you. But, no worries. As your teacher, I'm going to make sure you get through all this because... For the next two days, you're going to sit your ass in that chair, and you are going to learn everything there is to know about the human heart. I'm going to come around, every once in a while, and ask you questions, and if you don't know the answer, I'm going to take that textbook, and I'm going to drive it through your skull. How does that sound?
Ed: Pretty frightening.
Dr. Cox: Good luck.

Craig: I told you to leave me alone.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, you did. But I can't do that Craig. I screwed up, I broke a promise to you. But I'm sorry. I'm standing here asking you to forgive me. And I'm not leaving until you do.
Craig: Make him go away.
J.D.: I can't, buddy. I have a lot of patients to see. You're stuck with him.
J.D.: [v.o.] As I watched Dr. Cox, I realized, he was going to do it all. Even if it meant compromising a little. Like letting a close friend cross the T's and dot the I's.
Dr. Cox: Here is the first pass of the nurses schedule. Please feel free to make any changes you want and put it out.
Carla: No problem.
J.D.: [v.o.] Or deciding not to bother teaching someone who doesn't want to be taught.
Dr. Cox: Time's up. You patient has a sodium channel abnormality in the cardiac tissue which puts him at risk of sudden death, what does he have?
Ed: Actually, I didn't get to that chapter yet. There was this trivia thing, did you know James Garfield was our twenti-
Dr. Cox: It's been two days. You're fired.
J.D.: [v.o.] Still, it's all worth it if you get home in time to read stories to your son.
[When an excited Dr. Cox arrives in Jack's bedroom with as storybook, Jack is fast asleep]
Jordan: It's okay. You'll try again tomorrow. Come.

Turk: J.D.! I've got news! J.D.! Where are you, friend? You seen J.D.?
Dr. Cox: No, I have not. Would you like to know why? He isn't coming in today. He's on a mini vacation, and it isn't just today. He's not coming in tomorrow, which, by the way, is my day off, but not anymore. I am coming in early and I'm staying late, because life is too darn short to spend the day bonding with my family when I could be roaming the halls of this hospital without the possibility of running Into that bearded hug monster you call a best friend.

Sunny: Dr. Cox, two quick things. First off, I looked up a picture of Sonny Bono, and my feelings are very, very hurt.
Dr. Cox: Noted.
Sunny: Apology accepted. Second, I know we're aren't supposed to ask you About Mr. Francone-
Dr. Cox: Huh?
Sunny: The potato.
Dr. Cox: Right.
Sunny: See, the thing is, his sister just called from London, and she was hoping we could keep Mr. Francone - the potato - alive until she got here. Can you please help?
Dr. Cox: Let me see his chart. I'll tell you what to do first. Go ahead and write this down. Wrap him in foil and poke holes in him with a fork so he cooks all the way through.

Carla: Whose room is this?
Dr. Cox: Kelso's dead friend.
Carla: Oh, yeah, that old biddy. You see? I never used to say stuff like that.
Dr. Cox: You know, death doesn't bother me unless it's someone I know. And even then, if it happens in a funny way, like my cousin who, honest to God, was flattened by a steamroller. I still actually enjoy it.
Carla: I abandoned an intern who was just trying to keep her patient alive so his sister could say good-bye.
Dr. Cox: Look, sooner or later, everybody in this place stops caring about hopeless, terminally ill, brain-dead coma patients and interns who want to save the world. You somehow managed to hang on quite a bit longer than the rest of us. Carla, you are a wonderful nurse. You got a husband, plus you got a kid, plus you got another kid coming. It was completely unfair of me to expect more of you than anyone else in this dump. And brace yourself, 'cause here it comes. I, Percival Ulysses Cox, am sorry.
Carla: "Ulysses"?
Dr. Cox: Shh, shh, shh.

Dr. Cox: Say, Zeltzer, my family is with me here today, but all the tables are full. Do you mind if we join you for breakfast?
Dr. Zelzter: Not at all. I get family. I'm here so much I hardly ever see my wife. That's why I installed a web camera at my house so I can see her during the day. Right now, I'm watching her do the dishes.
Dr. Cox: Who in god's name are those two naked people?
Dr. Zelzter: That's Mr. and Mrs. Dish.
Dr. Cox: Get out!

Dr. Cox: Why isn't he in preschool right now?
Jordan: Oh, 'cause he told me they have the day off for Yom Kippur.
Dr. Cox: Yom Kippur was six months ago.
Jack: I hate school!
Dr. Cox: Never have been more proud of you.

Jordan: Are you trying to annoy me by wearing your wedding ring? Because all you really needed to do was wear that "Who farted?" T-shirt.
Dr. Cox: Now, hun. And when I say hun, I don't mean the short for honey kind, but rather the Attila kind. Despite the fact that wearing our wedding ring may actually annoy you, which don't get me wrong is one of the most stupendous perks in the history of the planet, the truth is I'm wearing it because I want to.
Jordan: So that's it, you're just gonna ignore me?
Dr. Cox: As much as I'll ignore the opening of Hugh Jackman's next cinematic excretion. Jordan, come one. Bottom line, I'm not telling anyone we're married, this isn't for other people, it's It's for me, which begs the question, why on earth would you care?

Dr. Cox: You know what sucks? I have to hire a new Chief or Surgery. And I just can't fathom giving any of you tiny-brained scalpel jockeys a leadership position. Honestly, so far, this is the only candidate who I'm seriously considering. The guy has the opposable thumbs so you automatically know he can handle the job. And, well, I was just thinking if you slap a diaper on him and maybe tape some glasses to his face, sure as shooting he'll look professional enough. Do you know what? I'm gonna call the gentleman.

Dr. Cox: I heard you were looking for me.
Turk: Yes. I want officially put my name in for the Chief of Surgery.
Dr. Cox: [laughs] That's a good one.
Turk: Laugh all you want but I'm still getting that job. I know we don't always get along personally. But in my defense, it's because you're a huge jackass. I'm the best cutter in this place. And you know it.
Dr. Cox: When you put it that way, you compel me to consult with the decision committee. "Say, Perry? Yes, Perry. Listen, I was wondering. Can Dr. Turk here be the new Chief of Surgery? Well, I haven't hit the bottle yet today, so I'm not that drunk. The answer is no, not in this lifetime." Sorry there. I did everything possible. Strength.