J.D.: [to Dan] What are you doing here?
Dr. Cox: It's funny, Vivian, because I was just going to ask you the exact same question, seeing as I paged you four minutes and 38 seconds ago.
J.D.: Dr. Cox, this is my big brother Dan. He just showed up unexpected.
Dr. Cox: Four minutes and 44 seconds.
Dan: Who, whoa, whoa. Easy there, Chief. Why don't have one of those nurses there pour you a big glass of calm-down juice.
J.D.: Dan, no.

Dr. Cox: You know, Newbie, it's so interesting, I found I couldn't sleep last night, so in order to pass the time, I started to make a list of things that annoy me more than you. Anyway, I came up with people who call Wednesdays "hump day," [Dan yawns] and, of course, all Sandra Bullock movies. But now I'm thrilled to announce, your brother tops-
Dan: Hey, Chief, does this speech have an intermission? Because I got to the lobby and take a whizz.
Dr. Cox: Actually, I'm not so keen on nicknames from guys that barely know me.
Dan: [imitating Dr. Cox] Actually, why don't you tell me what you are keen on?
J.D.: Oh, Dan, no.
Dan: Where's the crapper?

Dan: Yeah, you don't like me. People don't like me. You know why? I'm a screw-up. Always have been. For instance, when we were kids, my Mom would always make me walk Johnny to school first day every year. Every year, I'd walk him to the wrong school. [laughs] Just 'cause.
Dr. Cox: Boy, that's a great story, really. And I'm sure you were just a horrible big brother-
Dan: Well...
Dr. Cox: But I'm afraid you have me confused with somebody who gives a crap. And it's okay, you don't need to be embarrassed, turns out it happens all the time. For instance, my father actually made the same mistake on his death bed.
Dan: Hey, listen, Dr. Cox. No offense, I'm a big fan of the tough-guy act, but let me tell you what I really think. I think you love the fact that these kids idolize you. Johnny does. Johnny was always the one in the family we knew was going someplace. Sweet kid, smart kid. Becoming a doctor, this is all he ever wanted. And yet, somehow, you've found a way to beat that out of him, haven't you? Turned him into some kind of cynical guy who seems to despise what he does. Dr. Cox, Johnny's never gonna look up to me. Ever. But he hangs on your every word. So, I'm askin'- I'm telling you, start taking that responsibility seriously. Stop being such a hard-ass, otherwise you're gonna have to answer to me.

Turk: Sorry, I had to blow out of there after the funeral, but how was the rest of the week?
J.D.: It was all right. We spent most of the time dealing with the headstone problem. See, since Dad was an office supplies salesman, he wanted it to be shaped like a pencil.
Turk: So?
Dan: So, it looked like a giant marble penis. Which I maintain, Dad would have liked even more.

Dr. Cox: Hey, where's your brother?
Dan: J.D.! [silence] He's not here.
Dr. Cox: Look, Dan-
Dan: It's Captain Bubblebeard. Avast, matey! Shut yer scupper and bare yer steel, we should be seeing la- [Dr. Cox dunks Dan in the water]
Dr. Cox: Now you're Dan again. Let's break down the kid's support system, shall we? He's got me, an emotionally-crippled narcissist and, he's got you, an emotionally-crippled narcissist who's soaking in a tub of what by now has to be mostly your own urine.
Dan: I believe the ratio has shifted that way, yes.
Dr. Cox: And I have got to believe that the two of us, together, together, Dan we can make it at least half-way to one legitimate adult.
Dan: You're right, Coxy. Dammit, Coxsmith! Crybaby time is over! The kid needs us, and he needs us now, right? Towel. Thank you. Let's rock and roll! I may have lost some muscle mass in my legs.
Dr. Cox: Fantastic.

Dan: Hey, mind if I join you guys?
Dr. Cox: I think the question you should be asking is, "Mind if I diddle your ex?" Oh, and just a great big congratulations on your on-going streak of being the world's worst older brother.
Dan: Thanks, Coxy.

J.D.: [v.o.] I knew it was my turn to let Dan have it, but for some reason I wasn't mad.
J.D.: Listen, Dan-
Dan: J.D., let me explain. I came to the hospital to see you, and then I ran into Elliot and it just happened. It was a one-time thing.
J.D.: I'm okay with it.
Dan: Great, 'cause it's been going on for a few weeks. Elliot's amazing! Smart, funny, hot. I was in a dark place and she saved me, she really did. Haven't felt this good since my dad died.
J.D.: Our dad.
Dan: Right.

Turk: Hold up. When Carla and I came home yesterday, we heard something. Did you two hook up in J.D.'s room?
Dan: A friend wouldn't ask and a gentleman wouldn't tell.
Turk: Did you?
Dan: Twice! But we didn't go under the sheets out of respect.
J.D.: How thoughtful!

J.D.: So, Dan, to what do we owe this... something.
Dan: Uh, I had to blow out of town. Mom doinked her new boyfriend and then guilted him into getting me an interview. [shudders]
J.D.: Well, you know, Mom does what she has to do.
Dan: Why do I need another full-time job? I got a sweet setup at home. I got a sweet pad in Mom's attic, I'm driving Dad's old Plymouth Horizon, rest his soul, and because I'm the senior bartender at KJ's, I get to take home half the extra chicken wings. A thank you.
Dr. Cox: Dan, do you ever have to pinch yourself to make sure it's all not some crazy dream?
Dan: That does not count as a formal hello, Coxsmith.
J.D.: Don't call him Coxsmith.
Dan: I call him Coxsmith.

Dan: Hey, Elliot is wearing lingerie.
Elliot: Hey, Dan. J.D. told me you were coming. Um, this is Keith. I'm sure you're a little disappointed.
Dan: Yeah, I'm in. I go first.
Elliot: [stammering]
Keith: Um, Elliot, you have to ask me about things like this.
Elliot: And that is the father of my fake baby.