J.D.: Hey, Dan.
Dan: Hey, Johnny. Just packing up. I thought you had to work.
J.D.: I do, but I wanted to talk to you about something.
Dan: Yeah, what's up?
J.D.: Elliot doesn't want to have babies with Keith.
Dan: Oh. Tough break for Keith. You know, I almost had a threesome with that guy.

J.D.: Anyway, you want to know what the cherry on top on the crap Sundae that is my life? Tomorrow, my loser brother's coming here. Not happy.
Turk: Dude, you need some perspective. This guy came in for a simple spinal fusion. He got septic and there was nothing we could do. Do you still want to complain because you're brother's coming in today?
J.D.: Uh. Tomorrow. Dan's coming tomorrow.
[The horrifically mutilated patient sits up, revealing it's Dan. He starts stretching behind J.D.'s back]
Turk: No, actually, he's coming in today. He gave me a call, asked me if I'd help him with some embarrassing prank he wanted to pull on you.
J.D.: Thanks for the warning, Turk. You're a good friend.
Turk: I am!
[J.D. notices a crowd of people watching behind the window]
J.D.: Why are they all here?
Dan: Zombie!
J.D.: [screams]

J.D.: [v.o.] I wasn't speaking to my brother. Of course, Dan reacted the way he always does. He became a character he liked to call "the constant questioner".
Dan: Now, who's that guy? What behind that door? When is the next bus to Chicago? Seven o'clock, be under it. Where's that girl going? Wanna see me do a funny dance? [dances] Wanna see me do it around you? [dances] Break it! Break it! Break it!

Dan: I can be a doctor.
J.D.: I can't let you tell him.
Dan: I won't call you Bambi anymore.
[cut to:]
Dan: It was touch and go. You're a fighter. You pulled through. We'll get you out of here today. Keep an eye on those rickles.
Man: Rickles is my last name.
Dan: You bet it is. Do you have kids?
Man: Two.
Dan: That's what I'm saying. Watch the little Rickles. Children are our future.
J.D.: Doctor, we need you.
Dan: Dammit, Bambi, I'm busy. It's so hard to find a good male nurse these days. Am I right?

Elliot: These heated seats are amazing. They make my butt tingle.
Dan: Every time you say that, an angel gets their wings. No, it's a sweet ride, but as J.D. has made clear, I could never afford this car.

Turk: So, Mrs. D.'s getting remarried, huh?
Dan: To a loser! Total loser. This guy's making me move out of Mom's attic.
J.D.: Oh, the audacity.
Dan: I know. But you know what? This is gonna be great. You know, this reminds me of the time I came down to see you guys when you were in med school... Oh! And I hooked up with that slutty chick! Remember, the one with the huge cans? What was her name?
J.D.: Amy.
Dan: Yeah! How do you remember stuff like that?
J.D.: She was my girlfriend.
Dan: Right. You got her number?

Turk: Ah, come to papa.
J.D.: Turk, can you please not put your skivvies in the freezer!? I'm sick of my popsicles tasting like fabric softener!
Turk: I like my bad boys to stay nice and cold.
Dan: Make sure you're nice and dry down there, otherwise you get a tongue-on-the-flagpole situation. You don't want that.
Turk: Ah!

J.D.: This is a stimulating conversation. I can't imagine why Mom's new husband doesn't want you in the house.
Dan: Me neither! And you know what, J.D.? I'm worried, 'cause I think this marriage might actually stick. Unlike Mom and Dad, who tried to solve everything with sex.
J.D.: They did?
Dan: Oh, yeah, yeah. Matter of fact, the only reason you were born is 'cause Mom bounced a check at the market.
J.D.: Oh, that's great! I guess you're only here because Mom wrecked the car?
Dan: No, they wanted me.

J.D.: [v.o.] Dan wanted to come with me to work today, but I told him it would make me a little uncomfortable. He was okay with it.
Dan: Now, I heard there's a bed in the on-call room. You ever get, uh, hot & heavy in there?
J.D.: Nah, usually I'm in there by myself.
Dan: So, yes.

J.D.: [v.o.] Whenever there's an argument in my family, it's a time-honored tradition to pretend nothing happened.
Dan: How are your chocolate chip flapjacks, little brother?
J.D.: Chocolate chippity good!
Dan: More whipped cream, Christopher?
Turk: Bring it!
Dan: I just want to say before I hit the road, it's been great hanging with you. And Johnny, I know I don't say this nearly enough, but, um... [farts] Ooh, coffee's kicking in. I'll be back in just under four minutes.