Phil: I just stopped by to give you guys a little care package to show you there's no hard feelings.
Gil Thorpe: Class act, dung beetle.
Phil: Here's the malpractice attorney most of his clients have used after he's ripped them off. You will be losing some sleep, but these have always helped my wife. And this priest is retired, but I think he still does exorcisms, which you'll need after today.
Sam: Listen, Phil.
Gil Thorpe: It's okay. It's sad, really, to see a once-mediocre realtor reduced to this.
Phil: Gil, please, let's keep this civil. Oh, by the way, if you ever speak disrespectfully again about my wife, I'll kill you. Sorry. That sounded like a joke. I will actually kill you. Anyhoo, when you guys wake up and smell the sulfur, here's a list of other realtors, and if you need me, I'll be in the office at 9:00... Uh, 10:00. I have the dentist.

Carol: I just found out my kids did this to your yard, and we are so sorry.
Phil: Don't be. It's Halloween. It's one of the four biggest prank days of the year. It's this, April Fools' Day, and the day before April Fools' Day, 'cause no one sees it coming.
Carol: What's the fourth?
Phil: Nice try, Carol. The point is, you're gonna wake up one morning and find out that your kids don't TP anymore. Cherish these days with your adorable little vandals.

[As Claire stuffs the turkey:]
Phil: "Oh, my goodness, those hands are cold! At least buy me dinner first!"
Luke: Boom!
Claire: "Tell my wife and kids I love them."
Phil: Oh, my God.
Luke: That's kind of dark, mom.

Phil: [aside to camera] It goes without saying that the Butler's escape is one of the most challenging feats of escapology an illusionist can perform. It's- It's based, of course, on the well-known story of the Earl of Flanning's manservant Percy, who was imprisoned in the Tower of London, and as we all know, refused to take off his uniform when he was shackled. Famously, as the, uh, tower guard Gert slept, Percy freed himself and leapt over the sleeping guard, giving rise to the popular expression... [looks to Claire] "Percy jumped the Gert."

Phil: Don't worry about it, big guy. I have trouble smelling lemons.

Phil: How's that work?
Luke: You find a member to sponsor you, come have some drinks with the committee, and they vote a few people in.
Phil: Similar process to a secret cheer society I was in. Skull and Pom-Poms. I've said too much already.

Luke: My stomach hurts.
Claire: Luke, honey, I told you not to eat so fast. Just sit back, relax, you're gonna be fine.
Haley: Ew! A spider!
Phil: Haley!
Claire: Haley, honey, you're standing on the back of Daddy's seat belt.
Phil: Oh, soft cheeses, I can breathe again.

Jay: I really want this win, Phil. I can taste it, like metal.
Phil: Me, too. Metal.
Jay: I don't know what it is with this guy, but no matter what I do, I just can't win with him.
Phil: That's the way I am with his son. And Time Warner cable. It's emasculating, you know?
Jay: I mean, it's not a feeling a man should have.
Phil: Jay, you know what the beginning of "love" is?
Jay: Oh, for God's sake, we're just talking here. Why do you always have to make everything bigger than it is?!

Phil: By the way, I just want to thank you for this trip. It's really been a vacation of a lifetime. [to passersby] Nothing weird! Aloha. [to Jay] I keep my wallet in my front pocket, so that's- that's what that is.

Claire: And Alex, my God. If we miss this speech Honey, she's a middle child. She will never forgive us.
Phil: I'm not missing that speech! [flagging down a pick-up truck] Hello! Hello!
Claire: What's the plan, Phil?
Phil: Mi nombre es Felipe. Yo voy a la escuela.
Guy: You need a ride to the school?
Phil: Yes, please.
Claire: "Felipe"!