Phil: [aside to camera] When someone your age dies, what's the first thing you wanna know? Died of what? Right? You wanna hear it was something that could never happen to you. Well, it's the same with divorce. Tell me it was booze, cheating, physical abuse... no problem. I'm a monogamous social drinker, and Claire only sleep-hits me. Just don't tell me it came from out of the blue.

Phil: I don't think you two appreciate what's at stake here.
Haley: Our lives?
Phil: You know I love your mother, but I think you also know a certain look she gets that says "Just listen to me.
I'm always right."
Haley: You mean her face?
Phil: Now we're getting this. If we're right this one time, then we never have to be right again. When she says, "That balloon can't carry a person, Phil," I say, "Manny's birthday."
Alex: "Take a jacket, Alex. I think it's gonna rain."
Phil: Manny's birthday.
Haley: Don't look at me. Look at the road.
Phil: Manny's birthday.
Haley: No, Dad, look at the road! There's a truck!
Phil: Sweet baby Jesus!

Phil: Hey.
Haley: I miss him.
Phil: Yeah. He was your first real boyfriend.
Haley: I keep expecting him to show up. He used to come by at night and I'd sneak out to see him.
Phil: Yeah, I know.
Haley: You knew?
Phil: His car's 30 years old and doesn't have a muffler. And he honked.
Haley: I loved that car.
Phil: I rode in it to the guitar store. I felt like I was flying. I know it hurts now, sweetheart, but that's how you know it was a relationship worth having.
Haley: Thanks, Dad.

Claire: Oh, don't look. There's that jerk Duane Bailey.
Phil: Oh, yuck.
Claire: I should say something to him, shouldn't I?
Phil: I gotta be honest, I was just working off your tone. Who's Duane Bailey, and why do we hate him?

Phil: What's happening?
Dave: Nothing. My car keys.
Phil: Shoot. The TV went off. Must have screwed something up. You know what? It doesn't matter. There's another one upstairs. How about we head up to the bedroom for some halftime festivities?
Dave: Okay.
Phil: Let's do this. [barks]

Phil: I'm a natural teacher.
Gloria: But I'm going to look stupid.
Phil: Gloria, trust me. As long as you're standing next to me, you will not look stupid.

Claire: Oh, what the hell?
Phil: What's going on?
Claire: The kids unfriended me again. How am I supposed to know what's going on in their lives if they never talk to me?
Phil: Honey I got this.
[cut to Phil shampooing Luke's hair:]
Luke: Yeah. It's been kind of a rough year. New school, new kids, and now I'm taking advice about girls from a kid who has his own shoe buffer.
Phil: What?!
[cut to Phil shampooing Alex's hair:]
Alex: I tried beer.
Phil: Ohhh.
[cut to Phil shampooing Haley's hair:]
Haley: Wow, Dad. This feels great.
Phil: Good. Good. You're- You sure there's- There's nothing on your mind?
Haley: No. Why do you ask, Dad? You seem upset about something.
[cut to Haley shampooing Phil's hair:]
Phil: It's just, you reach a certain age, and you start to wonder, "Am I everything I wanted to be?" I mean, am I selling houses, or am I just selling out?
Haley: Anything else?
Phil: Alex tried beer.

Phil: One time.
Jay: No, it's stupid.
Phil: Just try it.
Jay: I'm not doing it.
Phil: No one else is around.
Jay: I don't care.
Phil: Come on, I'll start. [singing] A-weem-o-weh, a-weem-o-weh, a-weem-o-weh, a-weem-o-weh [Jay joins in] A-weem-o-weh, a-weem-o-weh, a-weem-o-weh, a-weem-o-weh - A-weem-o-weh, a-weem-o-weh, - In the jungle - A-weem-o-weh, a-weem-o-weh - The mighty jungle
Jay: All right, that's it! Get out. We're doing something else.