Phil: Wait, wait, wait, I need a break. Oh, John Philip Sousa!

Phil: My, uh, client just wants me to pick her up on the way to the open house, which is great. I'll, uh, drop the sign off and just swing across town to... Oh. She's bringing her mom and a designer.
Claire: Well, maybe they'll fit in the trunk.
Phil: Here it comes!
Claire: What? I was making a joke.
Phil: What's your game, woman?
Claire: I have no game. You're an adult. You can make your own choices.
Phil: Since when?

Phil: Believe me, sir. I'm a respected realtor. This is an innocent mistake. Honey, turn around and show him your- your butt. It- It's uncanny.

Phil: And watch your time. In the stage version, the rope's on fire, and you're suspended over a bed of nails.
Luke: I hate this! Why are you making me do this?
Phil: Use that anger, Lukini. Let it be the key that opens the vault of fear that holds the chalice of hope that contains the elixir of success. In a few short minutes- Son of Alkazeel! You've done it!
Luke: I quit!

[asides to camera, separately:]
Phil: Yeah, I was pretty ticked off that Mitchell double-crossed my double-cross. And then he stopped taking my calls, and so I sent him the following carefully worded text "U suck."
Mitchell: I could tell Phil felt pretty hurt and betrayed, so I responded. "How r u gonna cheerlead your way out of this one, Buffy?"
Phil: "We both know this house thing is a disaster."
Mitchell: "Then say something, or I will. I don't care if you tell Cam-"
[cut to:]
Cameron: "I threw out that hideous sweater?!" I spent months knitting that hideous sweater.
Claire: Yeah.
Cameron: W- How are we seeing this?
Claire: They're using the group text from yesterday. They have no idea these are even coming to me.

Phil: Aah! Son of a Mitchell!

Phil: Rasputin's dalmatian drowned in the Volga.
Ducky: I thought he was allergic to dogs.
Phil: You're thinking of Merlin. And it was peanuts.

Claire: Andy, do you think this is a great idea, considering that you and Haley are... You know... Doing it.
Andy: Mother nature!
Phil: Cheez-its!

Phil: Oh, I hope those eggs are doing okay. I feel bad leaving them alone.
Lily: Probably safer that way.
Phil: I know people think I'm crazy. It's just more fun believing even when no one else does. Anyone can be a doubter. Did I ever tell you how I got them?
Lily: No, but I don't-
Phil: I found them abandoned in someone's yard, the poor things. No mother. No one to take care of them.
Lily: So, they're orphans? Where did their mother go?
Phil: I don't know. I know I'm all they have now.

Joe: Snow!
Phil: Good King Wenceslas, there is snow!