Beth: Hi.
Malcolm: What? You want to make fun of me, too?
Beth: No. I just wanted to tell you that I thought it was really brave of you to stand up to your mom like that. And I also thought it was hilarious the way you didn't hit a single pin when you were, like, what, an inch away?
Malcolm: Is there a point to all this?
Beth: No. Do you want to kiss me?
Malcolm: Why do you think you can come over here and make fun of me and... [kisses Beth]
Lois: Okay, that's it. Oh, for God's sake, you are worse than your father. You two are sitting on opposite sides of the car.

Hal: Mmm, I'm starving. What's for dinner?
Lois: Leftover parfait.
Malcolm: [to camera] It's even worse than it sounds! Once a week Mom cleans out the fridge. Anything that doesn't actually have something growing on it gets thrown in a casserole and served for dinner.
Reese: Did we have spaghetti or Chinese food on Thursday?
Dewey: Neither.
Lois: [to Hal] Ah, no digging!
Malcolm: Sunday, Saturday, Friday. It finally happened! The fifth level of this week's leftover parfait is last week's leftover parfait.

Stevie: You have... to stop this.
Malcolm: Stupid game. This is ridiculous! Everybody in my family is, like, perfect. Mom is President, Reese is married to six supermodels, and my Dad's funding a search for extraterrestrials. Nothing I do has any effect whatsoever. If I give them money, if I take it away, if I make them ugly, if I make them Canadian, everything works out beautifully for them and horrible for me.
Stevie: Dewey... just became... Pope.
Malcolm: And I weigh 500 pounds. That's it, I'm just going to have to kill them. Go to counter. Get knife. Kill them. No, don't make yourself a sandwich. Kill! Kill! No, not yourself. Don't kill Don't kill. You stupid fat bastard! Uuurrgh!
[Malcolm gets up, opens the window and walks back to the "laptop". He struggles to lift it so he just slides it off his desk instead.]
Malcolm: This means nothing!

Malcolm: [over P.A.] Hello, North High students. This is Malcolm. You all know the horrible thing I did to my brother Reese. And I'd like to publicly apologize for turning him into a laughingstock. I should never have exposed his secrets. And I can't turn back time. I can, however, level the playing field. I have been having impure thoughts about Shirley the lunch lady. Last month, I caught a glimpse of her cleavage and I've been fantasizing about her ever since. And now that I've admitted that, I'm just as big a laughingstock as he is. Unfortunately, that doesn't protect him from the rest of the school. So I'm forced to bring everyone down to our level. Let's take a look at everyone's permanent records. First up, David Abernathy. He wasn't on a construction crew this summer. He was in theater camp. Cheryl Adams is excused from gym this week because her herpes is flaring up. Charlie Agnew wets his bed every night during finals. Leslie Albert forged her parents' signatures to get a nose job.
Mr. Herkabe: [to a student] Well, Mr. Zyzyx, I'd say we have a half an hour to erase everything on your hard drive.
Malcolm: James Allen... [door rattles] James Allen, he likes to eat his...

Malcolm: Isn't it great when the girl asks the... [gasps] Angela. I totally forgot. Oh, man, I've got two dates to the Spring Dance. It's sort of like that old episode of... well, every show. If you think about it, it's actually a pretty interesting challenge. [Stevie's wheel gets stuck] I mean, Urkel did pretty well with the identical cousin trick until he got greedy and made himself a duke. And Potsie doesn't count because one of his turned out to be a dude. Stevie, are you even listening to me?
Stevie: Two girls... ...two families. I don't have... two lungs!
Malcolm: What does that have to do with...
Stevie: People with... your luck... aren't allowed... to be creeps. Just... choose!
Malcolm: Yeah, all right. [walks off and leaves Stevie stuck]

Malcolm: Peanut butter's good, too. Nothing wrong with having peanut butter.
Reese: What?
Malcolm: Just because I'm having ham doesn't mean you have to have ham. Just because we're brothers doesn't mean we have to enjoy the same thing, right?
Reese: Exactly. Everybody's different. It'd be stupid if I tried to force you to like something I liked.
Malcolm: Right. Plus, it wouldn't work anyway. People can't help what they like. That's just the way they're born.
Reese: I know. Like me, I've never liked... ham.
Malcolm: Really? 'Cause maybe if you tried it...
Reese: No. But that's me. I'm not putting it down or anything.
Malcolm: I hear you. There's no... right sandwich. So, um the ABBA thing...
Reese: Should be great.
Malcolm: Yeah, absolutely. Just great. Hey. Have a good snack.
Reese: You, too.

Malcolm: We've got something for you. Dewey and I finally came up with something good enough for that insane voice in your head.
Dewey: Here, put this on first.
Reese: Roman candles?
Dewey: Well, that's how they started off. We decided to give 'em a little more... oomph. Do you care if you keep your eyebrows?
Reese: Hell, no!
Malcolm: Okay, the fuse is timed for 20 seconds. You're gonna light it, and then get up on the board and jump. The rockets should kick in around there. They won't give you any momentum, but they will ignite that. Hopefully, you will land in that kiddie pool.
Dewey: We think that's got a 50-50 shot of putting you out. If the roof doesn't collapse. Or ignite.
Malcolm: And it's all gonna be caught on that video camera. It has a direct feed to the Internet. You're the featured page on GiantJackass.com.
Reese: This is more than anything I could have ever asked for.
Malcolm: Nobody deserves it more than you.

Lois: [on the phone] Before you say anything, I want you to listen carefully. There are a couple ways we can handle this. If you come down right now, I can go as low as three weeks in your room. If there's no more trouble, you get two meals a day and enough light to read by. You should think about this very carefully, but you've only got ten minutes until this offer expires. Then all bets are off. [hangs up]
Reese: Oh, my God.
Dewey: I know.
Malcolm: She's negotiating. She's never negotiated anything before.
Reese: We found a weakness. All these people and the TV cameras. She must be scared.
Malcolm: I didn't think this was possible.
Dewey: Suddenly, she looks so small.
Malcolm: People, the battle before us may be long, but we will not stop until we end the oppression! Women of the world... Unite! [crowd cheers]

Dewey: Why do you get the one with the cherry?
Reese: I just grabbed one. I don't care.
Dewey: If you don't care, then let me have it.
Reese: I already took it.
Malcolm: Hey, I'm here, too. I want the cherry.
Reese: You always do this. You only want it because I have it.
Malcolm: I don't care what you have. Reese, you're not the center of everything- Wait. Why would they only put a cherry on one cupcake? This is Mom. [loudly] There may be those who will try to drive a wedge between us. But if we learn nothing else tonight, we will learn to stand together! [crowd cheers] [Malcolm drops the cherry off the platform]
Lois: Damn it.

Malcolm: No, we can't do this. We can't keep blaming everybody else whenever something like this happens. It can't be an accident that you and I alienate so many people. We're never going to make our lives better if we keep pretending they are the problem.
Reese: Then what do we do?
Malcolm: Well, I mean, if we really want to figure this out, maybe we need to look at ourselves honestly.
Reese: You're right. What's wrong with us?
Malcolm: Well, some parts are easy. I mean, you're a ruthlessly brutal thug.
Reese: I have my moods.
Malcolm: And look how it was my first impulse to criticize you. It just shows what a pompous ass I am.
Reese: I do seem to cause a lot of needless suffering. I usually assume that people are my enemy.
Malcolm: I have this need to show off. It's not enough that I know more than everyone. I have to make sure they know I know more. Why do I do that?
Reese: Don't ask me. I know less than everyone. When I walk into a room, it seems like everybody's talking about things that I could never understand. And when they laugh, I'm always sure that they're laughing at me.
Malcolm: Maybe we're both afraid. We're afraid people won't like us. That's why I show off how smart I am and that's why you hit people. We're scared of being rejected, so we act in a way that pushes people away.
Reese: Oh, man.
Malcolm: It's the thing that we hate the most, and yet we keep making it happen again and again. We're so stupid and pathetic.
Reese: Or they're jealous!
Malcolm: Yeah, totally jealous.
Reese: I mean, they see us, and they don't want to face that they're all jealous, so they make us act all angry and superior!
Malcolm: They're in denial.
Reese: I am really glad we did this.