Previous Episode Next Episode 
Hal Coaches

‘Hal Coaches’

Season 3, Episode 16 -  Aired March 10, 2002

After Malcolm and Reese get their neighbor's old computer, Malcolm discovers a The Sims-style computer game, while Reese gets dirt on his neighbor. Francis's boss, Lavernia, suddenly starts treating him well now he's married to Piama. Meanwhile, Hal coaches Dewey's soccer team.

Quote from Malcolm

Stevie: You were supposed... to meet me... at the library.
Malcolm: Oh, yeah, sorry. You know, I actually found something decent on Ed's computer.
Stevie: The Virts?
Malcolm: Yeah, you create a virtual family, put them in different situations and the computer plays out their lives. I'm putting the characters in right now.
Stevie: Is that... your mom?
Malcolm: Not yet. [turns aggressiveness level to 10] Reese. [turns intelligence down to 0]
Stevie: Make sure... you capture... the blackness... of his soul.
Malcolm: Aggressiveness, ten. Hygiene, zero. OK, now me. Appearance... nine. No, ten. A ten for intelligence. And social skills, ten.
Stevie: Too bad... it doesn't go... higher.
Malcolm: I have social skills, jackass! OK, it's dinner time. Where's Malcolm?
Stevie: Looking at himself... in the mirror.


Quote from Piama

Francis: Look, I'm going to ask you one last time, for the sake of our marriage, what did you do?
Piama: [whispers] Took her parakeet.
Francis: What?
Piama: I took her parakeet!
Francis: You stole the woman's pet? The woman's pet?!
Piama: You protect the people you love. I figured you would do the same for me.
Francis: But I would tell you. And if I was gonna grab someone's parakeet and hold it hostage... Well, jee, I wouldn't do that. How long were you going to keep it for, anyway?
Piama: 'Til she behaved. And if she didn't, I guess I'd have killed it.
Francis: See?! That's where it gets alarming again. But putting aside the horrible nature of the act itself, what's upsetting is, you made this unilateral decision-
Piama: I said I was sorry! How many times do you want me to say it?
Francis: You didn't say you were sorry.

Quote from Lois

Lois: [o.s.] I can't believe you, Dewey! How could you do this?
Reese: When is she going to stop? I'm starving. Go get us some food.
Malcolm: I'm not going out there.
[in the kitchen, Lois and Hal are sitting at the table reading magazines with Dewey nowhere in sight:]
Lois: Sorry doesn't cut it, young man.
Hal: This was a good idea. I just wish you had told me earlier. I was hiding outside for 45 minutes before I came in.
Lois: I saw you.

Quote from Piama

Francis: The blood from my knees was tracking behind where I'd already scrubbed, so I had to keep going around until, finally, she let me put towels on my knees. So, how was your day? Did you make a lot of snow globes?
Piama: I don't care about that. My husband is being disrespected by a woman who isn't fit to eat the crap between your toes. Somebody ought to cut that woman's belly open with a rusty knife and strangle her with her own entrails.
Francis: I love you, too.

Quote from Reese

Ed: What are you doing? There's bare patches all over the place. Are you even paying attention to what you're doing?
Reese: Hey, I get grounded plenty, Ed, I know grunt work. So why don't you go fix Mrs. Collins's garage door and get off my back?!
Ed: What did you say?
Reese: You heard me.
Ed: Oh, my God. What do you know?
Reese: Everything. You might want to formulate your megabytes next time you get rid of your computer. Oh, and by the way, Mrs. Swanback?! You are sick!
Ed: Now, keep your voice down. Look, it's not my fault. I try to be faithful... but the women on this block are just so desperate and lonely. It's like I cast some kind of spell. I try to tell 'em no, but it always leads to a back rub.
Reese: I know, Ed, I read all about it.
Martha: [over the fence] Is that you, Ed?
Ed: Ah, I'm a little busy right now, Martha. Look, you can't tell my wife. You can't tell anyone, please. I'll do anything. I'll do anything you ask.
Reese: I can work with that.

Quote from Piama

Francis: What did you do?!
Piama: I don't know what you're talking about, honey.
Francis: Lavernia is being nice to me. She's treating me like a human being. What did you do to her?
Piama: Maybe she turned over a new leaf. Sometimes really big crappy jerks just realize they've got to change their ways.
Francis: This woman was terrified and I've never seen her scared of anything. I don't know how you threatened her, but you must have said something.
Piama: I wouldn't do that, Francis. You're the man. I'm not gonna fight your battles for you.
Francis: Obviously that's not true. Now, damn it, you're gonna tell me what you did.
Piama: You know what... [holds up chopping knife] I don't have to do anything you tell me to do, and you might want to reconsider your tone of voice. [chops vegetables] Sometimes you make me so mad!

Quote from Malcolm

Stevie: You have... to stop this.
Malcolm: Stupid game. This is ridiculous! Everybody in my family is, like, perfect. Mom is President, Reese is married to six supermodels, and my Dad's funding a search for extraterrestrials. Nothing I do has any effect whatsoever. If I give them money, if I take it away, if I make them ugly, if I make them Canadian, everything works out beautifully for them and horrible for me.
Stevie: Dewey... just became... Pope.
Malcolm: And I weigh 500 pounds. That's it, I'm just going to have to kill them. Go to counter. Get knife. Kill them. No, don't make yourself a sandwich. Kill! Kill! No, not yourself. Don't kill Don't kill. You stupid fat bastard! Uuurrgh!
[Malcolm gets up, opens the window and walks back to the "laptop". He struggles to lift it so he just slides it off his desk instead.]
Malcolm: This means nothing!

Quote from Malcolm

Malcolm: Oh, this game is asinine!
Stevie: I thought... you liked it.
Malcolm: No, it's this idiotic programming! My family has turned out horrible! My mom finished law school and became a Supreme Court Justice, Reese is the King of China and my dad is a millionaire from his chain of auto-body shops.
Stevie: Why is Malcolm... sneaking Scotch... from the toilet tank?
Malcolm: He won't stop drinking. That's his second bottle since breakfast. I am so done with this game. No, I'm moving them all to Arkansas to become chicken farmers. That ought to level out the playing field.

Quote from Hal

Hal: Alright, look, today's practice was... Well, let's focus on the positive. I think it's encouraging that so many of you found the right field. And special congratulations go to Billy for using the sidestep that we practiced to run away from the butterfly that almost landed near him. But we do need to work on your general unwillingness to kick the ball.
Boy #1: It hurts!
Hal: Boys, if we are going to get better, we have to work together. We're going to have to start acting like a team. You know what it means to be on a team, don't you? Well, don't... C'mon! Think of a team.
Boy #2: Like the X-Men?
Hal: Yes! [chuckles] Yes, like the X-Men. You boys are like the X-Men. And what do the X-Men do?
Dewey: Fight evil?
Hal: Yes, they work together to fight evil and also to uphold the ideals of good sportsmanship and team work!
Boy #1: And fight evil! [all cheer]
Hal: OK, OK. Boys, c'mon, huddle up, huddle up. I should not be telling you this but the American Youth Soccer Federation has been infiltrated by evil forces hellbent on domination of the Earth. The infiltration goes all the way down to the lowest levels - I'm talking The Black Hawks, The Bulldogs, The Eagles. Every other team in our league has been lost to the forces of evil and it's up to you boys to stop them. Now, boys, what do you say? Who wants to be on the side of goodness and who wants to rid the world of evil?> [all cheer] All right, boys, let's get out there and do some kickey drill. [laughs nervously]

Quote from Malcolm

Stevie: Can you please... start working?
Malcolm: Just one more second. This is really interesting. I just made my mom quit her job and go to Law School. It's less money but her happiness level went way up. I made Dad quit too. All he's doing is working on neighbors' cars. Check out his happiness level. [Hal dances on the screen] I still think they could be happier. Let's send Reese to China.
Stevie: What are you... changing... about Malcolm?
Malcolm: Nothing, he's fine.
Stevie: He's burning... himself... with a cigarette.
Malcolm: Just a phase.

Page 2