‘Malcolm Dates a Family’
Season 5, Episode 14 - Aired March 14, 2004
Lois boycotts the family's favorite restaurant, Luigi's, after noticing they have secretly been adding a service charge to the bill. Malcolm feels at home with his new girlfriend's intellectual family. Meanwhile, Otto hires an assistant for Francis.
Quote from Malcolm
Malcolm: Isn't it great when the girl asks the... [gasps] Angela. I totally forgot. Oh, man, I've got two dates to the Spring Dance. It's sort of like that old episode of... well, every show. If you think about it, it's actually a pretty interesting challenge. [Stevie's wheel gets stuck] I mean, Urkel did pretty well with the identical cousin trick until he got greedy and made himself a duke. And Potsie doesn't count because one of his turned out to be a dude. Stevie, are you even listening to me?
Stevie: Two girls... ...two families. I don't have... two lungs!
Malcolm: What does that have to do with...
Stevie: People with... your luck... aren't allowed... to be creeps. Just... choose!
Malcolm: Yeah, all right. [walks off and leaves Stevie stuck]
Quote from Lois
Lois: Excuse me. What's this "SV" at the bottom?
Alfredo: That's the service charge.
Lois: Service charge? What service charge?
Alfredo: We add 15% for the service. We had a lot of people stiffing the waiters. We've been doing it for years.
Lois: Forcing people to tip without telling them? We've been double-tipping without realizing it all this time.
Alfredo: There's a notice right here. That piddly little sign? That's what you use to justify it?
Reese: Oh, no. Is this gonna be "shoe store" bad or "circus" bad?
Malcolm: I think it's gonna be "ten-items-or-less aisle" bad.
Hal: Is our car on fire? I think I hear sirens. We better go.
Lois: You put up a little sign that nobody can read, and that gives you the right to steal?! Where is the manager?! I want to see the manager! Don't you give me that look.
Dewey: I probably won't see you for a while, Manolo. Lo siento mucho.
Quote from Malcolm
Malcolm: No, I am not Copernicus. [laughter]
Maria: Did you isolate something which eventually killed you?
Malcolm: No, I am not Madame Curie. [to camera] This is so cool. When we play at my house, we can only use cartoon characters. Cartoon characters we saw that day.
Ivan: Okay, do you believe in life after love?
Malcolm: No, I am not Cher. [laughter]
Ivan: We'll never beat him!
Quote from Francis
Jordan: Are the smaller ones better, sir?
Francis: Very much, thank you. I don't have to open my mouth as far. [on the phone] What were you saying, Mom?
Lois: They have been tacking on this 15% service charge for the last three years. I mean, I'm doing the right thing by boycotting them, don't you think?
Francis: I don't know, it sounds like you're making everyone else suffer for something only you care about.
Lois: I don't know why I bother to talking to you, Francis. Would it kill you to say something supportive to me when I'm obviously right?
Francis: You're blaming me? You know what..
Jordan: [whispers] If you were so certain you were right, you wouldn't be coming to me for reassurance.
Francis: If you were so certain you were right, you wouldn't be coming to me for reassurance. [Lois is speechless]
Jordan: [hangs up] I think we got her, sir.
Francis: Let's not dwell on our victories, Jordan. My ears are feeling hairy again.
Quote from Lois
[Reese and Dewey accidentally smash a window with a baseball]
Dewey: Oh, no! Mom and Dad are gonna kill us!
Reese: I know what to do.
[later, Hal and Lois find a rock with a note attached next to the broken glass:]
Hal: "Get out of our neighborhood. We hate your guts." It's either the Lustigs, the Andersons, the Coopers or the Verones.
Lois: It's the Hacketts. Like this is gonna bring their cat back to life.
Hal: Let's see how they like a taste of their own medicine.
Lois: I'll get the car.
Quote from Malcolm
Malcolm: [to camera] Every other Thursday night, we all go to Luigi's Pizza. They're the only two nights a month I don't cry myself to sleep.
Lois: [to Reese and Dewey who are sword fighting with their bread sticks] All right, all right. Stop it! I said I get winner.
Malcolm: [to camera] Isn't it amazing? Every 14 days, we magically turn into a happy family. And here's why. Luigi's pizza is so good, it not only brings out the goodwill that's buried deep inside of people; it momentarily creates goodwill that isn't even there.
Lois: [mouth full] How was your day?
Dewey: [mouth full] I got a "B" on my math test.
Quote from Stevie
Malcolm: And then she stood in the parking lot for half an hour waving cars away. My mom is horrible.
Stevie: My mom... phoned me drunk... on my birthday... wanting money.
Quote from Otto
Francis: I don't need an assistant.
Otto: But the boy needs a job, and I've filled every other position here two times over. Oh, please? Francis, I'm sure you can find something for him to do.
Francis: Okay, I'll try.
Otto: Thank you, Francis. I know I have a problem hiring too many people, but I'm getting help. I am seeing three psychiatrists about it.
Quote from Reese
Dewey: I'm starting to forget what Luigi's pizza even tasted like.
Reese: I told you not to brush your teeth.
Quote from Lois
Hal: [answers phone] Hello. Yes, it is. Really? Really?! [covers phone] Yes! Boys! Boys! It's the owner of Luigi's calling to apologize to your mother. Get your jackets. Lois! The pizza gods have answered our prayers.
Lois: [takes phone] Hello.
Lawrence: Hi. This is Lawrence Camprisi, the owner of Luigi's. I heard about what happened, and I wanted to call personally to apologize.
Lois: Oh? What exactly are you apologizing for? [boys stop heading to the door]
Lawrence: About the way that you were treated last Thursday. There's no excuse for it, and I couldn't feel more terrible about it.
Lois: Well, that's very nice to hear. [boys head towards the door] I am curious why it took two weeks to get an apology. [boys walk back]
Lawrence: I'm sorry, but, you see, I just got in from Europe, and I haven't even unpacked yet. The point is that you and your family are valuable customers, and we really want to get you back in here.
Lois: Well, I must say, this apology has surpassed my expectations. [boys celebrate and head to door] So what kind of refund are you giving us? [boys take their coats off]
Lois: I figure we overpaid at least $300 over the years. Do you want to send us a check or some kind of gift certificate?
Lawrence: Lady, we can't give you a refund. We don't have those kind of margins.
Lois: If you can afford to pay for a trip to Europe, you can afford 1/20th of that to make things right with a customer you cheated.
Hal: There is no pizza god.
Lois: Well, then I doubt you care, but we are never, ever eating a Luigi's pizza again. [hangs up] At least we have closure.