Malcolm: [answers phone] Hello.
Francis: Malcolm, listen, I need to know what Mom used to put in the hot tea when we were sick. Is she around?
Malcolm: I think she's changing the sheets on their bed. Grandma and Grandpa are here.
Francis: Oh, you're kidding. So, did they knock, or did you just hear their cloven hooves clatter up the driveway?
Malcolm: I can't be sure, but I think Grandpa spit at me.
Francis: Look, don't take it personally. They're primeval creatures with tiny little hearts.
Malcolm: Yeah, but there must be some reason...
Francis: Malcolm, they have stupid lizard brains. They're threatened by anyone with an ounce of ambition or intelligence. They'd eat you if they had better teeth.

Lois: Francis. I'm listening.
Francis: This is what you get! This is what you get for the way you treated me! I'm going to Alaska and you're going to be left without a son! And the horrible way you treated me is now a matter of public record!
Lois: I treated you?! We made sacrifice after sacrifice for you and you've caused us nothing but pain!
Francis: You want pain? I've got your scars, baby! Three and half years in that horrible school-
Lois: We went without for that school!
Francis: Oh! Oh! Maybe I should thank you? Thank you, mother, for making my life hell!
Lois: Living hell? You've been nothing but a problem since the day you were born!
Francis: I'm outta here!

Malcolm: [answers phone] Hello?
Francis: Malcolm, great. It's Francis. I'm in a real bind up here-
Malcolm: Please, I don't have any money.
Francis: Wait. Hear me out. Tell Mom they're sending all the smart kids to Washington, DC, hit her up for $600 and then spend a long weekend at Stevie's.
Malcolm: Reese, phone.
Reese: [answers phone] Hello?
Francis: Reese, great. Um... you know the hardware store on 2nd? Okay, they got a real slippery entry way...
Reese: Dewey, phone.
Dewey: Francis?
Reese: Yeah.
Dewey: Money?
Reese: Yeah.
[Dewey hangs up the phone]

Malcolm: So, where's Francis?
Dewey: Is he really the foreman?
Reese: We haven't seen him in months.
Hal: You'll have to forgive the boys. They've always looked up to Francis like he's some kind of hero.
[As the boys step outside, Francis comes riding over the hill on a horse]
Francis: [horse whinnies in distance] [whinnies] How's it going, guys?
Hal: My God, Francis! How the heck did you learn to ride a horse like that?
Francis: Well, you got to pick it up quick around here. We break horses, brand cattle, it's about as close to the Old West as you'll ever find.
Woman on Golf Cart: [horn toots] Where do I find the jazzercise class?
Francis: Other side of the smoothie bar.

Dewey: How come you're the only good one in the family? Why didn't any of it rub off on Reese or Malcolm?
Francis: Dewey, would you cut it out?
Dewey: No, I mean it. You're such a good brother. I'll bet they didn't even appreciate it.
Francis: Dewey! I was never like this with Reese and Malcolm. I treated them like crap. Way worse than they treat you.
Dewey: That's impossible.
Francis: I tortured them all the time. I beat them up, I took their stuff, I locked them in closets. You know that scar on Reese's back? That's from a bayonet. Where did I even get a bayonet?!
Dewey: But you couldn't have. The way they talk about you... They love you so much.
Francis: Dewey, let me let you in on a little secret. Sometimes people love people for no reason. Like Whoopi Goldberg.

Francis: I got halfway home when I suddenly remembered the time when I was three years old and you were sick - or so you said - and couldn't drive me to Donnie Dinesco's birthday party. So I rode this tricycle two miles in the pouring rain just to get there. Lazy? I think not. Now, I am not leaving until you apologize.
Lois: All you want is an apology? That's it? Well, you should've said so a week ago.
Francis: But...
Lois: I'm hereby officially sorry. Okay?
Francis: No! Not okay! That is not an apology. That's just one of those cleverly designed apologies that sounds like an apology but isn't one. Now you have to apologize for apologizing. And then apologize!
Lois: You know what your problem is? You know why you can't accept my apology? Because you just can't stand to be happy!
Francis: What?!
Lois: You have an addiction to trouble. You need to have chaos in your life. You always have. I mean, look at you. You have a great job, a nice home, a wife, and you can't stand it. You have to come back here and pick a fight with your mother.
Francis: That's not true. I came back here because you've destroyed any chance any of us ever had for happiness.

Francis: You're not going to do anything? You have to go to that apartment and get him back.
Hal: Look, that's not how it works.
Francis: Oh, I know how it works. I was thrown into military school so fast, I still had shampoo in my hair. The minute a child is inconvenient to you, you kick him out.
Lois: Francis, this is really none of your business. You don't even live here anymore.
Francis: Because you kicked me out! And now you're doing the same thing to Reese. Right now he's sitting in that apartment with his cable TV and his huge stack of video games... miserable.
Hal: If Reese is unhappy, he brought it on himself.
Francis: Really? So what's this? Like the tenth time he's "brought it on himself"? And let's see, Malcolm's "brought it on himself" six times, so with my 28 times, that makes... 40 kick-outs, three different kids, and the only constant through all of this is you two.
Lois: Francis, that is not fair.
Francis: Maybe you just don't like sharing your house with your children. So when's Dewey going to "bring it on himself"? When's Jamie? Where is Jamie?
Lois: He's at the babysitter's.
Hal: Just till 5:00.

Hal: [quietly] I need to borrow $1,800. I'll pay you back over the next six years in monthly payments of $39.50. I have no money to give these boys a Christmas gift and I'm not even sure where I'm driving. I hate to ask you, but I don't know what else to do. I love you.
Francis: Well, I guess this is as good a time as any to tell you... I got fired from my job. I'm totally broke.
Hal: What? You got fired from the ranch?
Francis: It turns out the ATM I was making all of Otto's deposits into wasn't an ATM. So sue me, right? Anyway, he's suing me. I don't know what we're going to do.
Lois: You're not moving back in! There isn't room enough in the house! Besides, Piama doesn't want to live with us.
Francis: Piama doesn't even know about it. She thinks I'm on vacation. I've been acting like the happiest man in the world the last few weeks just to hide it from her.
Hal: I have to say, I am a little disappointed in you, Francis. You can't hide something like this from the ones you love. Honesty is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship.
Francis: Well, I'm sorry I can't help you.

Lois: Francis, I don't drink. I mean, maybe I have a glass of champagne on my birthday.
Francis: Every birthday?
Lois: What does that have to do with anything?
Hal: I think we should get going-
Francis: Come on, Mom, you have the classic signs. Irrational behavior, not able to control your emotions. Everybody else is the problem.
Lois: Francis, I do not drink. I am not an alcoholic.
Francis: Mom, you don't have to drink to be an alcoholic.
Lois: Yeah, you do! Alcoholism. It's in the name.
Hal: I think your mother's right on this.

Malcolm: [to camera] Everyone acts like Francis is just this big troublemaker and he's not.
[flashback to Francis at the front door with a police officer and squad car:]
Francis: Dad, I know what you're going to say and believe me, I totally agree with you. There is no excuse for what I did. It was idiotic, immature, totally reckless and I'm really sorry. I'm just-
[flashback to Francis standing in front of his parents' bed as a girl gets dressed:]
Francis: I'm hoping against hope that you will give me another chance, which, I admit-
[flashback to Francis standing in front a burning car:]
Francis: I don't deserve but if you could just find it in your heart to forgive me I know I could earn your trust back.
[present:]
Malcolm: [to camera] It's not like it was even our car.