505. Malcolm Films Reese
Aired November 30, 2003
Mr. Herkabe gives Malcolm an assignment to film covert footage of a deviant mind... Reese. Hal is hopeful things are turning around at work when the washer-dryer needs replacing. Meanwhile, Otto is upset by a negative review of the Grotto, and Dewey earns money by becoming a street performer.
Quote from Mr. Herkabe
Mr. Herkabe: Ah, Malcolm. You have waited very patiently for your term project, and today your patience pays off. Here.
Malcolm: What's this?
Mr. Herkabe: You are holding a video surveillance camera. The lens is in the logo, and the video is transmitted via wireless signal to this digital tape recorder.
Malcolm: What am I supposed to do with it?
Mr. Herkabe: You are going to secretly conduct an in-depth case study of a deviant mind, the most deviant mind that we have at our disposal. A mind incapable of differentiating between right and wrong, a diseased...
Malcolm: You're talking about my brother.
Mr. Herkabe: Yes.
Malcolm: And you want me to secretly videotape him?
Mr. Herkabe: Around you, he'll relax, let his guard down, begin to talk about himself. These disciplinary files reveal nothing of the real Reese.
Malcolm: What you're asking me to do is creepy on about a hundred different levels.
Mr. Herkabe: You have one week.
Quote from Mr. Herkabe
Malcolm: Hey! You made me look like a total jerk! You tricked me!
Mr. Herkabe: Tricked you? Oh, how could I, a humble school administrator making low five figures, be any match for the great and powerful Malcolm? Never underestimate your adversary! You may consider yourself my moral and intellectual superior, but this has clearly proven you are neither. We played the game and I won. [engine splutters]
Quote from Reese
Malcolm: So, uh, how are you?
Malcolm: I'm just curious how... you're... feeling.
Reese: How the hell should I know?
Malcolm: Well, are you happy? Are you sad? Like, when you laugh, you're feeling that something's funny.
Reese: Like when I tripped Arthur Hall and his retainer went flying out of his mouth into a pile of dog crap? That was awesome.
Malcolm: So you think it's funny when other people get hurt?
Reese: I think it's funny when you shut up.
Malcolm: Okay. Okay.
Reese: Hey, they laugh at me.
Malcolm: People laugh at you?
Reese: Yeah, people laugh at me. But not for long.
Malcolm: So, what you're saying is, when people laugh at you, it hurts, and then you want to make them hurt, too?
Reese: No. What I'm saying is, if you want to talk like a girl, go find a girl. And take this with you. [punches Malcolm to the ground] See? It is funny.
Quote from Mr. Herkabe
Mr. Herkabe: Now, we have just enough time for one more presentation. And our friend Malcolm is going to amaze us with a fascinating update of the Milgram Experiment. [drags Malcolm's chair to the front of the class]
Malcolm: Milgram Experiment?
Mr. Herkabe: Oh, something you don't know, Malcolm. The Milgram Experiment was a lesson in the power of authority. A subject was asked by a man in a lab coat to administer an electric shock to a third party. Milgram proved that people will blindly follow an authority figure even if it means harming an innocent stranger.
Malcolm: What are you doing?
Mr. Herkabe: In our version, the stranger will be replaced by a close family member. And the electric shock will be replaced by devastating emotional trauma. Let's watch.
Reese: [on video] Yeah, I like clouds. I call them sky kittens.
Mr. Herkabe: It's troubling, isn't it? How willing someone is to sell out his own brother, knowing full well that it's exactly that kind of juicy gossip that would compel each of you to run into the quad and spread this throughout the school like wildfire.
Malcolm: Hey, that is not...
Mr. Herkabe: Malcolm, I am teaching.
Malcolm: [on video] It's called being a liar. He's my brother. And I exploited him. [repeats] A liar. He's my brother. And I exploited him. [repeats] And I exploited him.
Malcolm: You never said you were taping me.
Mr. Herkabe: I never said I was taping him.
Reese: [on video] I wish Malcolm and I will be friends forever.
Mr. Herkabe: Breathtaking, isn't it? Now, none of us can know if we would do that to a loved one just because a man in a proverbial lab coat asked us to. All we can know for certain... is that Malcolm did. Tomorrow, Katy reports on post-traumatic stress disorder in fruit flies.
Quote from Malcolm
Malcolm: [over P.A.] Hello, North High students. This is Malcolm. You all know the horrible thing I did to my brother Reese. And I'd like to publicly apologize for turning him into a laughingstock. I should never have exposed his secrets. And I can't turn back time. I can, however, level the playing field. I have been having impure thoughts about Shirley the lunch lady. Last month, I caught a glimpse of her cleavage and I've been fantasizing about her ever since. And now that I've admitted that, I'm just as big a laughingstock as he is. Unfortunately, that doesn't protect him from the rest of the school. So I'm forced to bring everyone down to our level. Let's take a look at everyone's permanent records. First up, David Abernathy. He wasn't on a construction crew this summer. He was in theater camp. Cheryl Adams is excused from gym this week because her herpes is flaring up. Charlie Agnew wets his bed every night during finals. Leslie Albert forged her parents' signatures to get a nose job.
Mr. Herkabe: [to a student] Well, Mr. Zyzyx, I'd say we have a half an hour to erase everything on your hard drive.
Malcolm: James Allen... [door rattles] James Allen, he likes to eat his...
Quote from Malcolm
Mr. Herkabe: I'm trying to get you to go beyond convenient labels. To quote Blake, "To generalize is to be a fool."
Mr. Herkabe: Excuse me?
Malcolm: Blake wrote, "To generalize is to be an idiot."
Mr. Herkabe: Thank you, Malcolm.
Quote from Reese
Reese: I have dreams where I sing. Really high, like that Saturday Night Fever guy.
Reese: Well, you were sort of asking me about, you know, stuff. I thought you wanted to know.
Malcolm: I do want to know. Is your head cold? Mine is. [puts on cap]
Reese: No. It's okay.
Malcolm: So, you were singing in this dream?
Reese: Yeah. And there were all these clouds around me.
Malcolm: You like clouds?
Reese: Yeah, I like clouds. I call them sky kittens. This is so weird. I've never told any of this to anyone. It's like you're another wishing hole.
Malcolm: What's a wishing hole?
Reese: You don't have a wishing hole?
Reese: Oh, man, you got to get one. Mine's in a tree on Jefferson Street. You can ask your wishing hole for anything. It never calls you stupid or perv. My hole always keeps my wishes safe. It's like a bank for wishes.
Quote from Hal
Hal: Oh, look at this. Our chief financial officer had his dog on the board of directors. I had to cc him on every memo.
Quote from Otto
Francis: What's all this?
Otto: Did you see the paper! It is wonderful!
Francis: He actually gave us a good review?
Otto: There is no review. They bumped it for a much more interesting story.
Francis: "Crazed local attacks reviewer"?
Piama: But what's with all the flowers?
Otto: They are thank-yous from restaurants and hotels and art galleries. Charles Cutler is the most hated man in the state. And look at these room reservations. Other hotels have sent us their overflow. We are booked solid through May.
Francis: I can't believe this guy. He actually reviewed the hospital.
Otto: Oh, yeah, it sounds terrible. I'm never going there.
Quote from Lois
Lois: [to the washer and dryer] What is wrong with you? You two ruin everything. Look what you've done to this shirt. You saw the price tag, and you knew I'd just bought it.
Malcolm: [to camera] This has become a daily event. She actually pays more attention to them than to us. [Lois kicks a machine] Maybe that's not a bad thing.
Lois: Do you think I can afford to keep on buying new clothes?!