Malcolm: So where'd you go today?
Reese: Oh, man, it was fantastic. Went down to the pet store, fed a bunch of the pets to the other pets, ended up at the supermarket, where I squeezed all the Wonder Bread into balls till the manager threw me out. I left a little present in his convertible. Well, it was somebody's convertible.
Malcolm: You couldn't have bothered to tell me about Ditch Day?
Reese: There was a ditch day?!

Malcolm: No, we can't do this. We can't keep blaming everybody else whenever something like this happens. It can't be an accident that you and I alienate so many people. We're never going to make our lives better if we keep pretending they are the problem.
Reese: Then what do we do?
Malcolm: Well, I mean, if we really want to figure this out, maybe we need to look at ourselves honestly.
Reese: You're right. What's wrong with us?
Malcolm: Well, some parts are easy. I mean, you're a ruthlessly brutal thug.
Reese: I have my moods.
Malcolm: And look how it was my first impulse to criticize you. It just shows what a pompous ass I am.
Reese: I do seem to cause a lot of needless suffering. I usually assume that people are my enemy.
Malcolm: I have this need to show off. It's not enough that I know more than everyone. I have to make sure they know I know more. Why do I do that?
Reese: Don't ask me. I know less than everyone. When I walk into a room, it seems like everybody's talking about things that I could never understand. And when they laugh, I'm always sure that they're laughing at me.
Malcolm: Maybe we're both afraid. We're afraid people won't like us. That's why I show off how smart I am and that's why you hit people. We're scared of being rejected, so we act in a way that pushes people away.
Reese: Oh, man.
Malcolm: It's the thing that we hate the most, and yet we keep making it happen again and again. We're so stupid and pathetic.
Reese: Or they're jealous!
Malcolm: Yeah, totally jealous.
Reese: I mean, they see us, and they don't want to face that they're all jealous, so they make us act all angry and superior!
Malcolm: They're in denial.
Reese: I am really glad we did this.

Hal: What's this? The warranty? Hey, good for you, Chad.
Lois: [enters] Well, I give up. I'm throwing out that blender.
Hal: You don't have to. Look what Chad did.
Chad: Pictures of things belong on the things they're pictures of.
Lois: Check and mate.
[Dewey screams as he sees the photograph of Lois stuck to her back. Hal screams when Lois turns around to face Dewey. Dewey screams again when Lois turns back to Hal.]
Lois: Dewey, what is it? Hal?
[As Hal grabs the photo and hides it behind his back, Chad's parents scream. Lois screams when Hal holds the picture behind his own back.]
Lois: Honey I'm sorry. You were lying there asleep and you just looked so beautiful. And the moment was perfect and I never wanted it to end. And then I saw the camera, and... And I'm weak, Lois. I'm a little man. I know that I can never apologize enough and I'm sure right now you don't even want to look at me. [starts to walk off] Hal. [Hal hands Lois the picture]

Lois: Oh, this is outrageous!
Hal: What's the matter?
Lois: The blender is broken. There's no excuse for this!
Hal: Honey, we have had it since before Dewey was born.
Lois: I don't care. They said a lifetime guarantee. A lifetime is not ten or eleven years. Hal, if they want to say a ten or eleven-year guarantee, that's fine. I'll make my blender-buying decisions accordingly, but they said "lifetime." I'm getting my money back or a blender of equal or greater value.
Hal: How are you going to find the warranty from ten years ago?
Lois: I'm sure it's with the rest of the papers in the garage.
Hal: Well, honey, you'll never find it out there. What did this cost, $19?
Lois: That's what they want you to say! That's why they don't charge more! That's how they get you!

Malcolm: There's a head of rotten lettuce in the fridge.
Reese: Not strong enough.
Malcolm: Why don't you dig out whatever it was that died under the furnace?
Reese: Still not strong enough!
Malcolm: What about the old boot that opossum gave birth in? It's out in the garage.
Reese: Perfect!
[cut to Reese inhaling from the boot as Hal emerges from the bathroom:]
Hal: All yours.

Reese: No one told me. Why didn't they tell me?
Malcolm: Because no one likes us, Reese. No one. Everybody else was told about it. Even that slow kid who ate cat litter for a dollar.
Reese: Ducky? How did Ducky get so popular?
Malcolm: It's not that he's popular, it's that we're unpopular.
Reese: Oh, my God. I'm as unpopular as you.

Lois: Guess who's getting a treat? That's right, it's you, Mr. Boy. [Jamie giggles] In this house, whenever anybody is good for three whole days in a row, they get one of Mama's extra special fruit smoothies. I have never made one before.

Lois: You'll see a lot of this in life, Jamie. The big blender company's don't think we're smart enough to save warranties. They think we run around barefoot all day picking bugs off ourselves. Well, they are in for a big surprise. [Chad rearranges a box behind Lois's back] They design their products specifically to break down three days after the warranties get lost. It's called "planned obsolescence," like that deathtrap of a highchair you keep falling over in. I'm their worst nightmare, Jamie; a woman who saves everything. And I'm going to go through every shred of it.

Lois: What's that, Mr. Big-Blender-Company man? You say I'm going to need paperwork? Oh, gee, I don't know if I have it. Oh, wait, I do. [cackles]

Malcolm: I'm sorry I'm late. My alarm clock didn't go off and then there was an accident and and road workers and... Where is everybody?
Ms. Sanguinetti: Well, it's Ditch Day. None of the students came in.
Malcolm: No one told me there was a ditch day.
Ms. Sanguinetti: Well, I'm surprised you didn't hear. I mean, everyone was telling their friends. [off Malcolm's look] Aw.