Abe: She won't let me have butter on my bread... butter. I haven't eaten the stuff in ten years.
Hal: How'd this happen? We weren't always this way.
Abe: Actually, I was. Classic story: raised by a grandmother and four spinster aunts. I used to wash their hair on Saturday nights.
Hal: You poor bastard, you never had a chance.
Abe: Damn it... enough is enough! [eats pats of butter and down his drink]
Hal: You go, Abe!

Kitty: How can this be happening? Stevie never used to do things like this. He used to be such a good boy. He used to hold my yarn while I knitted. And I would hold his yarn while he knitted.
Abe: He made this sweater.

Abe: [o.s.] Oh, I'll tell you what the problem is. I hate this boat, I hate this place and everything about this vacation!
Kitty: [o.s.] Then, why didn't you say anything?
Abe: Oh, what difference would it have made? This whole trip was your idea! And God knows, whatever Kitty wants, Kitty gets!
Kitty: Stop behaving like a total ass! You're ruining everyone's-
Abe: I could be sitting in a suite in Hawaii right now!
Kitty: They can't afford that.
Abe: Well, pardon me for going to college and earning a decent living! Should I drive a crappy car 'because they do, too?! No, they cannot hear me! And even if they could, they'd certainly understand it's just my puckish sense of humor. [whispers] Don't you worry. They're not that smart.

Abe: Ah. There you are. Stevie, you ran off without your backup inhaler.
Stevie: Thanks... Dad.
Abe: Did Stevie tell you his big news?
Malcolm: No. What's going on?
Abe: Stevie's been accepted as a research subject at the Norvet Biomedical Institute. Dr. Norvet himself picked him for the motor-neuropathy program.
Stevie: It's... nothing.
Abe: Nothing? Come on, Stevie. This is the most exciting thing that's happened to us since they put your stomach on the inside. Who knows? This Christmas might just be our first ski vacation.
Stevie: Dad.
Abe: Tomorrow after school we'll go look at snowboards.
Stevie: Dad.
Abe: I said just look.

Abe: God, I'm too late! Stevie, please stop! Think of the lawsuit! You know these people will do anything to get our money!

Abe: Sounds like he needs to talk to someone.
Lois: Abe, thank you! I know he respects you.
Abe: Not me. I don't want to see him cry. He needs to talk to a professional.
Lois: A therapist?
Abe: No, a professional actor. I suggest William Shatner, TV's Captain Kirk.
Lois: What?
Abe: That's who I turn to in a time of need. Lois, there's this wonderful service where they hook up ordinary people with celebrities. You pay a fee, and you get a phone call from your choice of participating TV or movie stars. Well, mostly TV stars.
Lois: And you think this is something Hal would want?
Abe: Absolutely! He's a huge fan of classic Trek. It's not something you share with your wife. Lois, believe me, I don't think I would've gotten through my social anxiety disorder without a few late-night discussions with Agent Mulder. It turns out the truth was right in here.

Lois: Abe, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but I'm not sure-
Abe: Lois, do you know what it cost me to get Leonard Nimoy's private number? Ferengi noses don't grow on trees.
Lois: Let's just-
Abe: It's ringing!
Man: [on phone] Hello?
Abe: Mr. Nimoy?
Man: This is he.
Abe: We apologize for disturbing an important man like yourself. But my friend's father just died, and he could use some sage advice from a learned actor-director-poet-photographer-vocalist. I'm sorry, but in Star Trek II : The Wrath of Khan, was Ricardo Montalban the gentlemen he seems to be? Because a little birdy told me-
Lois: Abe!
Man: I'd be happy to help your friend. It's very sad when a man loses his father. I've been through loss myself.
Lois: Oh, that's very kind of you, Mr. Nimoy. I'm his wife.
Man: So will this be charged to your credit card?
Lois: What?
Man: Well, that's eight dollars a minute for the Nimoy, and for another five, I'll leave an outgoing message on your answering machine as... [imitates Bob Hope] Mr. Bob Hope! How about that Brooke Shields? She's got legs that go all the way down to the ground that I've got to tell you...
Abe: Nimoy's Bob Hope is great. Is there nothing the man can't do?

Abe: I've got something for Hal that I think may do the trick.
Lois: [sighs] Abe, I thought we were done with this.
Abe: I thought we were, too, Lois, until 3:00 this morning, when I found myself in a collectibles auction site and saw this baby. [Lois is silent as Abe opens the case] Yes, it's a Vulcan lyre with ten pre-programmed Christmas carols. [Christmas music plays]
Lois: Abe, I'm sorry. I know you're trying to help, but this is not what Hal needs. [music stops]
Abe: You're right. I guess I got carried away and lost sight of what got us started in the first place: to hook Hal up with a member of the original cast of Star Trek.
Lois: That's not what got this started. Abe, Hal's father died.
Abe: And I will not let him die in vain. I will call Sulu. I will call Chekhov. And if they say no, so help me, I will call the Gorn.
Lois: Abe, stop. Just stop. I appreciate your trying to help, but I don't need any of this. I'm going to take Hal to a bed and breakfast for a nice weekend, and that's it. He just needs some emotional comfort.
Abe: So you think a weekend of nurturing and sex is going to get him through this? Do you even know this man?!

Dewey: It's weird to think about. Pretty soon you guys will be... gone.
Reese: Yeah. And this just sitting around hanging out... We're not going to have many more of these.
Abe: [chuckles] No, we sure won't. Seems like only yesterday you and I were going to homecoming, putting the school paper to bed, fretting over our first big date with Sharon Hines. Mmm. That kiss went on forever.
Malcolm: Uh, Mr. Kenarban, Stevie's supposed to help me work on my speech.
Abe: Right, right. Mr. Valedictorian. [chuckles] Congratulations again. I'm glad my son can help you out with your big, important speech. It's probably that selflessness that got him the second spot.
Stevie: Dad!
Abe: I'm not insulting salutatorian. It's- It's quite an honor. I'm just glad that even after I got Cedric Hampton to be the school's commencement speaker, they still had the integrity to make you valedictorian and not my crippled son.
Stevie: Go!

Abe: Did you have fun tonight, Malcolm?
Malcolm: Yeah. [Kitty tucks Malcolm into bed tightly] I guess, but isn't it kind of early to be going to bed? It's not even 8:00.
Kitty: Oh, don't worry. That jigsaw puzzle will still be there in the morning. Now, I know you boys want to do a little chatting before sleepy time. [sets timer] Let's say four minutes. [exits]
Abe: Mrs. Kenarbin can be a tad strict. She doesn't know that sometimes boys have to be boys. Am I right?
[Abe sets the timer to 4 minutes 30 seconds]