Jessica: And it never even occurred to you to wonder why Reese is so angry all the time? Why he acts like such a jerk?
Malcolm: Because he's a jerk.
Jessica: Oh, that's right. Just because he's your brother doesn't mean you should put any thought into it. He couldn't possibly be dealing with anything weird and confusing. He couldn't possibly be afraid to admit that he wanted to go see a musical because you'd make fun of him.
Malcolm: Of course I'd make fun of him. What kind of guy wants to see a Broadway musical?
Jessica: Yes, Malcolm. What kind of a guy does want to go see a Broadway musical?
Malcolm: [scoffs] Come on.
Jessica: Maybe you're not being selfish. Maybe you're just too scared where it leads if you think about how much he fusses over his hair and his body and his gourmet cooking. Some people just don't want to see what's right in front of their faces. [Jessica looks at the body-building magazines on Reese's bed]
Malcolm: Nuh-uh.
Jessica: Look, maybe I'm butting in where I don't belong, but you're his brother, and he should at least be able to count on you for support.

Malcolm: Wait. I'm not gay. You're gay.
Reese: No, I'm not. You are.
Malcolm: I'm not gay.
Reese: Malcolm, check out what they're doing in that movie, and then tell me you're not gay.
Malcolm: No, this is... She said...
Jessica: [laughs hysterically] Oh, my God! Oh- Oh- Oh- You plan, you hope, but you never think it's going turn out this good!
Reese: Stop laughing.
Jessica: I don't think I can! [laughs hysterically] When you guys were dancing, and you did that little... Oh, my God, it was so sweet! There's nothing more I can ask for, honestly. You guys make me so happy! Oh, God, it hurts! Well, I better go drag my dad off the lawn. He likes to fall asleep right next to the toilet. [laughs] See you guys at dinner. [laughs o.s.]

Lois: I suppose you have a good explanation for this.
Jessica: Not really. Lois, I'm sorry. I'm not going to lie to you. I gave him the hickey to keep him from doing something really stupid.
Lois: Excuse me?
Jessica: I'm not saying I was smart either, but there's this girl that Malcolm's been chasing, and she's really bad news. She's sexually active and I'm pretty sure she's into drugs, and the only reason why he's interested in her is because he's so insecure about himself. We got into this fight and I was saying that he could do so much better and he said that nobody liked him anyway, and I was telling him that a lot of girls liked him because he's sweet and cute and funny, and then he kinda grabbed me and we started kissing and I couldn't stop because then he would think I was making the whole thing up and... I'm sorry. I didn't know what else to do. [sobs]
Lois: Wow, that's a pretty convincing lie for just winging it. I mean, you went a little overboard with the crying, but the basic story was good. Drug girl was a nice touch. Creepy, a little sad.

Lois: I know how much you boys have sacrificed, kicking in your paychecks and working extra shifts, and, well, we thought you guys deserved a reward.
Reese: Really?
Malcolm: [to camera] This is great. I thought she was going to start charging us for water.
Lois: So, your dad and I are taking the whole family, and Jessica, to see a musical!
Reese: A what?
Lois: A musical. From Broadway. It's called Mamma Mia. They take all those old ABBA songs like "Dancing Queen", and "Fernando", and stick some story in between.
Malcolm: Oh, my God, you're serious.
Lois: Six partially obstructed seats. At first I thought of treating you boys to a rock concert or Motocross or something like that, but then Jessica told me about this and I thought this sounded perfect.
Jessica: Wow! I mean, I just mentioned it 'cause it was interesting. I didn't think you were gonna take me. What a nice surprise.

Jessica: Reese, I'll make you a deal. Help me with the dishes, and I won't make you take a bath.
Reese: You can't make me do anything!
Jessica: Boy, Alison was right about your temper.
Reese: What are you talking about?
Jessica: Oh, she was kind of saying that you were... You know what? Never mind. [washes dish]
Reese: Is she mad at me?
Jessica: I wouldn't say mad. [hands Reese a dish to dry]
Reese: What'd she say?
Jessica: I probably shouldn't.
Reese: No, no, no, you have to. Give me that. [takes dishes]
Jessica: Well, it wasn't really what she said. It was more the way she said it. Oh, that's baked on. You're going to need some cleanser for that.
Reese: Oh, okay. Go on.
Malcolm: [to camera] Okay, Reese is easy, but she's good.

Malcolm: And sometimes my thoughts are, like, three-dimensional. I can almost reach out and touch them. Or they could just be pure logic, like...
Jessica: Malcolm, it's getting late.
Malcolm: Is it? Oh, man, the movie was over an hour ago.
Jessica: Huh. Well, anyway, I'm glad to know how much smarter you are than me.

Malcolm: [to camera] We haven't managed to get rid of Jessica yet, but we've been putting the screws to her pretty good. It's just a question of time. [out loud to Jessica and her friends] Your tea.
Jessica: Thank you, Malcolm. Isn't he sweet? All right, boys, bedtime!
Dewey: No way!
Reese: No, I want to stay up and do more sew- Oh, my God!
Jessica: [to her friends] Boys. They're overtired. Excuse me. [to the boys] All right. Get your butts in your bed right now, or I'll tell everyone you know that you walk around in your mother's shoes.
Dewey: But that's a secret!
Jessica: And I'll tell Alison you spent an hour on the phone with Cindy Reid.
Reese: Oh, now it's a crime to be a good listener?
Jessica: And a certain boy genius takes Pro-Gro Bodybuilding Supplement.
Malcolm: I do not.
Jessica: "Bulk up now, watch the ladies say wow."
Malcolm: No one will believe you.
Jessica: Maybe not. We'll just leave it to the tough, but always fair, court of high school public opinion.

Malcolm: You got the car? How'd you get the car?
Jessica: I just had a little shopping to do, and your mom insisted I take the car.
Malcolm: What do you mean she insisted? I've been begging her for weeks. Every time I ask, she says no.
Jessica: That's where you made your mistake. I just got all vulnerable and poured on stuff about my dad. It was easy.
Malcolm: No way.
Jessica: Look, Malcolm, it's not something I'm proud of, believe me. It's how I've learned to survive in my twisted family. They're like a total cesspool of manipulation and emotional blackmail. Everyone screwing everyone over. I don't even know a true, honest way to connect with people anymore. It's sick. I'm sick! [sobs]
Malcolm: Jessica, wait. [picks up shopping bags] I'm sorry.
Jessica: Ah, thanks for carrying my bags for me, Malcolm. Told you it was easy.

Malcolm: Okay, well, I'm not that tall.
Jessica: That's what you're going with?
Malcolm: I don't know. This is hard.
Jessica: We'll go down the list and see which one makes you feel the most uncomfortable. We've established that you're short.
Malcolm: Yeah.
Jessica: And pretty scrawny.
Malcolm: Yeah.
Jessica: And completely self-absorbed.
Malcolm: Yeah.
Jessica: With huge mother issues.
Malcolm: Yeah.
Jessica: You don't really put out a sexual vibe.
Malcolm: Hey!
Jessica: Bingo.

Malcolm: I did it! I told Vicki it was over. And it felt so good.
Jessica: Wow, that's great, Malcolm. To be honest, I didn't think you had the strength to do it.
Malcolm: So that's it. Now we're free to be together.
Jessica: Yeah. You know, there's just one problem. I don't feel that way about you, Malcolm.
Malcolm: What? But what about what you said?
Jessica: Yeah, I lied about that. I just couldn't stand to see someone make a fool of you. Someone besides me, that is.
Malcolm: But- Great. I just blew off Vicki, and now I'm left standing here looking like a complete idiot.
Jessica: But you recognize it. See, you're getting better already.
Malcolm: You're so sure of yourself, aren't you? Well, the truth is, I didn't need you. I could've figured this out on my own.
Jessica: Yeah, sometime after your secret marriage and three secret kids.
Malcolm: Shut up.
Jessica: Look, Malcolm, I'm on your side. I mean, do you really think I just hang out with you out of pity? You're an amazing complicated guy who's always surprising me. I mean, who knows where things could go between us. [kisses Malcolm] Yeah, nothing. Good night, Malcolm.