Quote from Blackout
Hal: I have Kobe beef.
Reese: No way.
Reese: That's like $60 an ounce.
Hal: I know. I won it in a Minesweeper tournament at work. Years of practicing eight hours a day has finally paid off.
Quote from Malcolm Babysits
Hal: Hi, son. Didn't hear you drive up.
Malcolm: I decided to walk.
Hal: So, how's the job going?
Malcolm: They were jerks, so I quit.
Hal: Well, that's pretty much what work is. Welcome to the club.
Quote from Buseys Run Away
Lois: Why are you pacing?
Hal: Let me ask you something, Lois. What would you do if, hypothetically, through a series of unforeseeable circumstances, you found yourself commanding an army of benevolent strongmen?
Hal: Picture it. A dozen guys, any one of them can rip a horse in half, willing to follow your every command. Well, you'd have to do something really great with that. Something noble and unselfish, but not too expensive. And we are not even taking into account that I could easily be led to the dark side. Lois, you have to promise me, if you ever see me holding a cat and laughing maniacally over a globe, you need to let me know.
Quote from Home Alone 4
Malcolm: Dad, do something.
Hal: I got it.
[Hal flings a chunk of mashed potato and peas at Lois's face and then gasps]
Lois: What do you think you're doing?
Hal: I'm being cute and spontaneous? [Lois laughs]
[As the whole family laugh, Reese is still aiming his spoonful of mashed potato at Lois]
Lois: Don't do it.
Reese: I wasn't going to!
Malcolm: [to camera] Yep, this is a good dinner.
Quote from Malcolm Babysits
Lois: $90 for a toy?
Malcolm: It's not a toy. It's a robotics kit. You build a little mechanical rover. It teaches you about electronics and engineering.
Lois: Does it teach you to pick up your socks? That I'd be interested in.
Hal: Besides, son robots are evil.
Hal: Westworld, Terminator, the creepy maid from The Jetsons. How much scientific proof do you need?
Quote from Funeral
Lois: [to Dewey] What do you mean what happens when you die? You're dead. That's it.
Hal: Now, honey, that's not quite true. Actually, son, after death your body undergoes a fascinating series of changes. First, it bloats up like a balloon, then shrivels like a raisin. Then, tiny microbes you can't even see, but are on you right now, start to devour your flesh and return all the elements in your body back to the soil. Now, some people will tell you that your hair keeps growing, but that's that's a myth. It's actually your head that shrinks.
Lois: Now go get ready for Aunt Helen's funeral.
Quote from Reese Cooks
Lois: We are not getting through to him.
Hal: Well, what else can we do? We- We've taken away television, video games, his music, fresh air. Lois, we have taken away his air, and he doesn't care about any of it.
Lois: Well, we had better come up with something before he winds up being a problem for the state.
Hal: I don't know, maybe we should try something other than punishing him.
Lois: Like what?
Hal: Maybe Reese needs more attention. Positive attention. When I was his age, I always wanted someone there to talk to, to hang out with, be a role model.
Lois: Oh, Hal, I don't know.
Hal: Lois, that boy needs a father figure, and I really think it should be me.
Quote from Reese Drives
Reese: Remember, Dad, you're picking me up from school to take me to the DMV.
Hal: I wouldn't miss it, son. [quietly to Lois] Dear God, what are we gonna do?
Lois: What can we do? He hasn't done anything wrong.
Hal: Oh, please, it's Reese! We just haven't looked hard enough.
Lois: Hal, we're gonna have to face it, that kid is gonna be mobile.
Hal: Reese surrounded by six thousand pounds of steel and 20 gallons of explosive fuel?! It's like giving a shark a sub-machine gun!
Quote from Humilithon
Francis: [on the phone] Dad, listen, I know I owe you guys a lot of money and I want to start paying you back. So I'm sending you $50 this month, and then my plan is...
Hal: What do you need $50 for?
Francis: No, I'm sending you $50.
Hal: Francis, I can't spare $50.
Francis: No, I'm sending you the money-
Lois: Just give him the $50. We have to go.
Hal: All right, your mother says it's okay, but we have to go. [hangs up]
Quote from Malcolm Holds His Tongue
Hal: "...and everyone but the rabbit lived happily ever after." And the moral of that fable, son, is that turtles are pathological liars who won't give you their gold.
Dewey: Got it.
[Hal is mesmerized as he sees a power walking team pass through the park]
Hal: It's like watching the gods return to Olympus.