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‘Lois' Makeover’ Quotes Page 1 of 3    

Malcolm in the Middle: Lois' Makeover

310. Lois' Makeover

Aired January 27, 2002

Lois is upset when her manager, Mr. Fisher (Stephen Tobolowsky), gives her the results of a "secret shopper" study which described her as slovenly. Meanwhile, the boys are determined to finally beat Hal at basketball, while Francis falls into the job of an exterminator up in Alaska.

Quote from Malcolm

Hal: Mmm, I'm starving. What's for dinner?
Lois: Leftover parfait.
Malcolm: [to camera] It's even worse than it sounds! Once a week Mom cleans out the fridge. Anything that doesn't actually have something growing on it gets thrown in a casserole and served for dinner.
Reese: Did we have spaghetti or Chinese food on Thursday?
Dewey: Neither.
Lois: [to Hal] Ah, no digging!
Malcolm: Sunday, Saturday, Friday. It finally happened! The fifth level of this week's leftover parfait is last week's leftover parfait.

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Quote from Craig

Craig: You're right. This is ridiculous. "Apathetic, lazy, overweight." What planet are these people from? I'm taking a fiver.

Quote from Craig

Craig: Here you go! I had to move a couple dozen bags of charcoal briquettes, but I found the slightly-darker-blue one that you wanted. I got a few spider bites, but none of that matters as long as you, the customer, go home satisfied. [the woman takes the bag and walks away without saying anything] You're welcome.
Woman #2: Excuse me! Where are your dog toys?
Craig: Yes, ma'am. They're right there. Right behind you.
Woman #2: Those are leashes.
Craig: If I could direct your attention three inches to the right.
Woman #2: I want that little hot dog up on top.
Craig: Sure thing. I see we have one just like it right here.
Woman #2: That isn't what I asked for. This has mustard on it. Peekaboo doesn't eat mustard.
Craig: Well, I can see that the one up there has mustard on it, too, and since it's not even real mustard-
Woman #2: Are you going to give me what I ask for?
Craig: Certainly. [Craig's shirt rips as he reaches to the top shelf] There you go. Thanks for shopping Lucky Aide.
Woman #2: This has mustard on it.
Craig: That's what I tried to tell you, you old bat! Now, you're gonna take it to your dog and make him like it!
[Craig and the old woman start throwing squeaky toys at each other]

Quote from Lois

Lois: A prostitute. This guy was convinced I was a prostitute. You know, ever since I got your stupid report, I have been feeling like everything I ever believed in was wrong. Well, I think this little incident gives us both a much-needed clarity. I'm gonna go home. I'm gonna wash my face. And when I come to work tomorrow, I'm going to do the same extraordinarily good job I've been doing all these years. I'm going to do it in my 99-cent mascara and, if the mood strikes me, a hair clip and that's it. And if that's not good enough for you, so be it. [to the man] Thank you. [exits]
Mr. Fisher: Well, Steve, are you gonna tell my sister, or should I?

Quote from Dewey

Dewey: [to Hal] The future's now, old man.

Quote from Craig

Mr. Fisher: Alright, everyone, these are your secret-shopper evaluations. Now, I'm going to be meeting with each one of you this week so we can discuss... how we can make improvements.
Craig: Look forward to it, sir! [to Lois] Secret shoppers? They spend people in to spy on us? What's next? Cavity searches on the loading dock?!
Lois: Come on, Craig, it's no big deal. Companies do this kind of thing all the time.
Craig: But it's not fair! How can I be expected to work hard if I don't even know they're watching me?!

Quote from Malcolm

Malcolm: [to camera] We've been playing basketball with Dad since we were able to walk.
Dewey: I'm open! I'm open!
Hal: [laughs] Oh! Yes! Another basket for Hal! He's on fire!
Malcolm: [to camera] We're 0 and 342! We're starting to get a little discouraged.

Quote from Reese

Hal: Ooh, stolen by the Halinator! He shoots... he scores! Hal-lelujah! It was great game, boys. Good hustle.
Reese: I hate this. If I wanted to be humiliated, I could take a math test!

Quote from Lois

Lois: Oh, God, Hal! You wouldn't believe what happened at work today! I had to spend five hours with this stuff on my face in front of everybody! I've never been so humiliated in all... [sobs]
[Hal almost growls as he sees Lois and charges towards her. Later, Lois is in bed with a make-up stained pillow when Hal emerges from under the covers:]
Hal: You're the most beautiful woman that ever was or ever could be!

Quote from Hal

Hal: [to Reese] Come on, baby, bring it on! What? You think I'm scared of you? I've changed your diapers!

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