Hal: Mmm, I'm starving. What's for dinner?
Lois: Leftover parfait.
Malcolm: [to camera] It's even worse than it sounds! Once a week Mom cleans out the fridge. Anything that doesn't actually have something growing on it gets thrown in a casserole and served for dinner.
Reese: Did we have spaghetti or Chinese food on Thursday?
Dewey: Neither.
Lois: [to Hal] Ah, no digging!
Malcolm: Sunday, Saturday, Friday. It finally happened! The fifth level of this week's leftover parfait is last week's leftover parfait.

Craig: You're right. This is ridiculous. "Apathetic, lazy, overweight." What planet are these people from? I'm taking a fiver.

Craig: Here you go! I had to move a couple dozen bags of charcoal briquettes, but I found the slightly-darker-blue one that you wanted. I got a few spider bites, but none of that matters as long as you, the customer, go home satisfied. [the woman takes the bag and walks away without saying anything] You're welcome.
Woman #2: Excuse me! Where are your dog toys?
Craig: Yes, ma'am. They're right there. Right behind you.
Woman #2: Those are leashes.
Craig: If I could direct your attention three inches to the right.
Woman #2: I want that little hot dog up on top.
Craig: Sure thing. I see we have one just like it right here.
Woman #2: That isn't what I asked for. This has mustard on it. Peekaboo doesn't eat mustard.
Craig: Well, I can see that the one up there has mustard on it, too, and since it's not even real mustard-
Woman #2: Are you going to give me what I ask for?
Craig: Certainly. [Craig's shirt rips as he reaches to the top shelf] There you go. Thanks for shopping Lucky Aide.
Woman #2: This has mustard on it.
Craig: That's what I tried to tell you, you old bat! Now, you're gonna take it to your dog and make him like it!
[Craig and the old woman start throwing squeaky toys at each other]

Lois: A prostitute. This guy was convinced I was a prostitute. You know, ever since I got your stupid report, I have been feeling like everything I ever believed in was wrong. Well, I think this little incident gives us both a much-needed clarity. I'm gonna go home. I'm gonna wash my face. And when I come to work tomorrow, I'm going to do the same extraordinarily good job I've been doing all these years. I'm going to do it in my 99-cent mascara and, if the mood strikes me, a hair clip and that's it. And if that's not good enough for you, so be it. [to the man] Thank you. [exits]
Mr. Fisher: Well, Steve, are you gonna tell my sister, or should I?

Dewey: [to Hal] The future's now, old man.

Mr. Fisher: Alright, everyone, these are your secret-shopper evaluations. Now, I'm going to be meeting with each one of you this week so we can discuss... how we can make improvements.
Craig: Look forward to it, sir! [to Lois] Secret shoppers? They spend people in to spy on us? What's next? Cavity searches on the loading dock?!
Lois: Come on, Craig, it's no big deal. Companies do this kind of thing all the time.
Craig: But it's not fair! How can I be expected to work hard if I don't even know they're watching me?!

Malcolm: [to camera] We've been playing basketball with Dad since we were able to walk.
Dewey: I'm open! I'm open!
Hal: [laughs] Oh! Yes! Another basket for Hal! He's on fire!
Malcolm: [to camera] We're 0 and 342! We're starting to get a little discouraged.

Hal: Ooh, stolen by the Halinator! He shoots... he scores! Hal-lelujah! It was great game, boys. Good hustle.
Reese: I hate this. If I wanted to be humiliated, I could take a math test!

Lois: Oh, God, Hal! You wouldn't believe what happened at work today! I had to spend five hours with this stuff on my face in front of everybody! I've never been so humiliated in all... [sobs]
[Hal almost growls as he sees Lois and charges towards her. Later, Lois is in bed with a make-up stained pillow when Hal emerges from under the covers:]
Hal: You're the most beautiful woman that ever was or ever could be!

Hal: [to Reese] Come on, baby, bring it on! What? You think I'm scared of you? I've changed your diapers!