Jessica: And it never even occurred to you to wonder why Reese is so angry all the time? Why he acts like such a jerk?
Malcolm: Because he's a jerk.
Jessica: Oh, that's right. Just because he's your brother doesn't mean you should put any thought into it. He couldn't possibly be dealing with anything weird and confusing. He couldn't possibly be afraid to admit that he wanted to go see a musical because you'd make fun of him.
Malcolm: Of course I'd make fun of him. What kind of guy wants to see a Broadway musical?
Jessica: Yes, Malcolm. What kind of a guy does want to go see a Broadway musical?
Malcolm: [scoffs] Come on.
Jessica: Maybe you're not being selfish. Maybe you're just too scared where it leads if you think about how much he fusses over his hair and his body and his gourmet cooking. Some people just don't want to see what's right in front of their faces. [Jessica looks at the body-building magazines on Reese's bed]
Malcolm: Nuh-uh.
Jessica: Look, maybe I'm butting in where I don't belong, but you're his brother, and he should at least be able to count on you for support.

Malcolm: Okay, you know what? This is stupid. We have to talk about this.
Reese: Right. I mean, just because it's weird doesn't mean we can't handle it. We're brothers.
Malcolm: Right. We've been through everything together. We shouldn't be pussy footing around about it. I got you something.
Reese: Hey, I got you something.
Malcolm: Really? See, this is what I'm talking about. We're being open and supportive and honest with each other. Here.
Reese: What's this? It's called "If You're Gay, It's Okay." It's full of great resources.
Malcolm: What's this?
Reese: Naughty Pool Boys III. I watched ten or twelve of these, and this one seems to have the most stuff you guys like.

Malcolm: Wait. I'm not gay. You're gay.
Reese: No, I'm not. You are.
Malcolm: I'm not gay.
Reese: Malcolm, check out what they're doing in that movie, and then tell me you're not gay.
Malcolm: No, this is... She said...
Jessica: [laughs hysterically] Oh, my God! Oh- Oh- Oh- You plan, you hope, but you never think it's going turn out this good!
Reese: Stop laughing.
Jessica: I don't think I can! [laughs hysterically] When you guys were dancing, and you did that little... Oh, my God, it was so sweet! There's nothing more I can ask for, honestly. You guys make me so happy! Oh, God, it hurts! Well, I better go drag my dad off the lawn. He likes to fall asleep right next to the toilet. [laughs] See you guys at dinner. [laughs o.s.]

Hal: Well, you know that jerk across the street who's always got it in for me?
Dewey: Parking jerk or lawn mower jerk?
Hal: Huh? No, Christmas jerk! Bill Rendall. Every year that guy waits to see what decorations I put out and then finds a way to top me. I string lights, he strings better lights. I put out Frosty, he puts out an elf village. I put out Dracula, he does nothing and I look like a jackass! I mean, what kind of sick mind uses a religious holiday as a weapon?
Dewey: Wait. Which one is call-the-cops jerk?
Hal: That's like four of them. Anyway, I decided to let Rendall have his precious little Christmas victory if it's so damned important to him.
Dewey: Okay.
Hal: I'm doing Pearl Harbor Day instead.
Dewey: What?
Hal: Pearl Harbor Day. December 7, 1941. The opening shot of the Second World War. I am going to build a spectacular tribute to those courageous soldiers. It's going to be beautiful and dignified and uplifting and it's gonna be all mine. Want to help?
Dewey: Yeah. It sounds fun. Are you really gonna put up a formation of flying zombies?
Hal: Nah. I just drew them' cause it looked cool.

Lois: Okay, I have a little announcement to make. You know how last year, with the conspiracy trial and your father and me losing our jobs, we ended up $20,000 in debt.
Malcolm: Yeah?
Lois: Well, after six months of scrimping and saving and going up to $28,000 in debt, we are now down to $26,000 in debt!
Hal: Look out world, we're back!

Reese: Thanks a lot for sticking us with that stupid show.
Jessica: I didn't do it for me, I did it for your brother.
Reese: Malcolm's gay? I knew it!

Malcolm: Peanut butter's good, too. Nothing wrong with having peanut butter.
Reese: What?
Malcolm: Just because I'm having ham doesn't mean you have to have ham. Just because we're brothers doesn't mean we have to enjoy the same thing, right?
Reese: Exactly. Everybody's different. It'd be stupid if I tried to force you to like something I liked.
Malcolm: Right. Plus, it wouldn't work anyway. People can't help what they like. That's just the way they're born.
Reese: I know. Like me, I've never liked... ham.
Malcolm: Really? 'Cause maybe if you tried it...
Reese: No. But that's me. I'm not putting it down or anything.
Malcolm: I hear you. There's no... right sandwich. So, um the ABBA thing...
Reese: Should be great.
Malcolm: Yeah, absolutely. Just great. Hey. Have a good snack.
Reese: You, too.

Lois: I suppose you have a good explanation for this.
Jessica: Not really. Lois, I'm sorry. I'm not going to lie to you. I gave him the hickey to keep him from doing something really stupid.
Lois: Excuse me?
Jessica: I'm not saying I was smart either, but there's this girl that Malcolm's been chasing, and she's really bad news. She's sexually active and I'm pretty sure she's into drugs, and the only reason why he's interested in her is because he's so insecure about himself. We got into this fight and I was saying that he could do so much better and he said that nobody liked him anyway, and I was telling him that a lot of girls liked him because he's sweet and cute and funny, and then he kinda grabbed me and we started kissing and I couldn't stop because then he would think I was making the whole thing up and... I'm sorry. I didn't know what else to do. [sobs]
Lois: Wow, that's a pretty convincing lie for just winging it. I mean, you went a little overboard with the crying, but the basic story was good. Drug girl was a nice touch. Creepy, a little sad.

Lois: I know how much you boys have sacrificed, kicking in your paychecks and working extra shifts, and, well, we thought you guys deserved a reward.
Reese: Really?
Malcolm: [to camera] This is great. I thought she was going to start charging us for water.
Lois: So, your dad and I are taking the whole family, and Jessica, to see a musical!
Reese: A what?
Lois: A musical. From Broadway. It's called Mamma Mia. They take all those old ABBA songs like "Dancing Queen", and "Fernando", and stick some story in between.
Malcolm: Oh, my God, you're serious.
Lois: Six partially obstructed seats. At first I thought of treating you boys to a rock concert or Motocross or something like that, but then Jessica told me about this and I thought this sounded perfect.
Jessica: Wow! I mean, I just mentioned it 'cause it was interesting. I didn't think you were gonna take me. What a nice surprise.

Jessica: But how did you...?
Lois: Sweetie, I'm a mother. It's my business to know. You've got talent, but I turned pro 20 years ago. Which isn't to say you haven't been useful. I never would've been able to enjoy that play in peace if the boys weren't occupied. And the gay thing was very entertaining. But more important, those two idiots actually treated each other decently for a few days. Thank you for that. So, here's the deal. As of today, you are banned from this house. You violated my trust. I don't want you around my boys. Knowing that, they will automatically forgive you and sneak you back in. You will be here every day after school until 6:00, except Thursdays when I'm working until 9:30. You will have complete run of the house, but I want Reese to do his half hour of assigned reading and Malcolm to complete all his college applications, not just the Ivy Leagues. And no junk food. Understood?
Jessica: For how long?
Lois: We'll see. Ice Capades are coming in a few months. Sure would be nice to go as a family.