Quote from Malcolm Holds His Tongue
Lois: A peptic ulcer? How did you manage to get a peptic ulcer? The doctor said you have the stomach lining of a 60-year-old air traffic controller. You are a teenager, for God's sake. What do you have to be stressed about?!
Malcolm: For your information, I just spent the past three hours on a gurney next to a guy who is still trying to smoke out of the hole in his neck. And the jackass who put in this I.V. couldn't find a vein with two hands and a flashlight! My call button doesn't work! These stupid sheets are itchy. There's only one channel on the TV. And what's this about a bedpan?!
Quote from Dirty Magazine
Principal Block: What the hell is this?
Malcolm: It's "Car Crash." It's a story for the literary magazine.
Principal Block: It's pornography.
Malcolm: How is it pornography?
Principal Block: "The construction worker yelled out, '[bleep] my [bleep]'." "[bleep] my [bleep]"?!
Malcolm: It's supposed to be offensive. That's the whole point of the story. It's a literary device.
Principal Block: There's nothing literary about "[bleep] my [bleep]"! Parents don't want their children reading "[bleep] my [bleep]". This school district has a zero tolerance policy on "[bleep] my [bleep]"! Our forefathers did not lay down their lives on San Juan Hill for "[bleep] my [bleep]"! Now, you either kill this story or replace all the dirty words with asterisks.
Malcolm: That's just stupid. What's the point of bleeping out words? Everyone knows what they are anyway.
Quote from Billboard
[Malcolm stands in front of the vandalized billboard which now has a speech bubble containing "I WANT RESPECT"]
Malcolm: We can't come down because we are protesting this offensive depiction of women!
Malcolm: We've come up here to make a difference in the world!
Malcolm: To speak for women like this one who can't speak for themselves!
Reese: Yeah, because they're billboards!
Malcolm: Shut up. We're not coming down until women everywhere get the respect they deserve! No matter how long it takes, we're staying up here!
Lois: Oh, for the love of God. I don't know who you think you're fooling.
Quote from Pilot
Caroline: Hi. I'm Caroline. Want to have a seat? Are you Malcolm?
Malcolm: Yes, and I didn't do anything.
Caroline: You're not in trouble, Malcolm. You're here 'cause some of your teachers think you're, um... You know what? I just want to play some games with you, okay? Puzzles, stuff like that.
Caroline: Boy, oh, boy, you are a suspicious little dickens, aren't you? Now, you can look at this picture for 60 seconds and I want you to tell me everything that's wrong with it, okay?
Malcolm: The man only has four fingers.
Caroline: Right, but this time I want you to take your time and really look... [starts stopwatch]
Malcolm: The car shadow's going the wrong way, the steering wheel's on the wrong side, there's no brake pedal, the words in the mirror should be backwards, the guy's watch wouldn't say 12:00 if he's looking at a sunset and I have red paint on my ass. That's right. Red paint all over my ass! [Caroline stops stopwatch]
Quote from Bowling
Lois: Malcolm, I didn't raise you to stop trying when something is hard. You can do this. You just concentrate on those pins. You throw the ball. You are not giving up until you bowl a strike.
Man: Your mother's right, Connie.
Malcolm: My name's not Connie! Okay, Mom, you want to see a strike?!
Lois: Malcolm, what are you doing?
[Malcolm starts walking down the lane]
Malcolm: Look at me! I'm the world's greatest bowler! I care so much about bowling! Bowling is so important!
Lois: Malcolm, come back here!
Malcolm: You want a strike? I'll give you a strike! Here's your damn strike!
[Malcolm throws the ball and doesn't manage to knock over a single pin. As everyone laughs, Malcolm walks back up the lane.]
Reese: Way to go, Connie!
Quote from Hal Coaches
Stevie: You were supposed... to meet me... at the library.
Malcolm: Oh, yeah, sorry. You know, I actually found something decent on Ed's computer.
Stevie: The Virts?
Malcolm: Yeah, you create a virtual family, put them in different situations and the computer plays out their lives. I'm putting the characters in right now.
Stevie: Is that... your mom?
Malcolm: Not yet. [turns aggressiveness level to 10] Reese. [turns intelligence down to 0]
Stevie: Make sure... you capture... the blackness... of his soul.
Malcolm: Aggressiveness, ten. Hygiene, zero. OK, now me. Appearance... nine. No, ten. A ten for intelligence. And social skills, ten.
Stevie: Too bad... it doesn't go... higher.
Malcolm: I have social skills, jackass! OK, it's dinner time. Where's Malcolm?
Stevie: Looking at himself... in the mirror.
Quote from Malcolm Holds His Tongue
Lois: You know, you're not finished till you put those away and wipe down the counters.
Malcolm: [inner monologue] Why don't I buff the floor and lick your shoes while I'm at it?! [out loud] Yes, ma'am.
Lois: Look at me. Are you on drugs?
Lois: You've been acting really strange lately, and I want to know what's going on.
Malcolm: [inner monologue] Well, apparently no one in this house can tolerate it when someone's actually being pleasant! [out loud] Nothing.
Lois: Nothing? So, everything's fine, everything's normal, you're not acting any different, and I'm just crazy.
Malcolm: [inner monologue] She's begging for it! Nail her! [out loud] I'm fine, really.
Lois: Well, you're looking a little tired. Why don't you let me finish up?
Malcolm: All right.
Quote from Stereo Store
Malcolm: I'm not saying you don't have some skills. They're just wasted on me. I'm smarter than you.
Jessica: Smarter how?
Malcolm: My brain just works differently, okay? I can see what you're doing and what you're planning at the same time.
Jessica: So what, you have, like, two brains?
Malcolm: Of course not! Nobody has two brains. Look, do you know how multitasking works on a computer? [Jessica stares blankly] Here, I'll draw you a diagram. Let's say this circle is your conscious mind during a normal conversation. This intersecting circle represents another track. Not opposed to the first-
Jessica: Wait, wait, wait. Slow down.
Malcolm: For lack of a better term, we'll call this track subtext. Now, with my brain, there can be four tracks going at one time, plus one supervisor track that keeps them all in line, unless you're talking about...
Quote from Malcolm's Job
Malcolm: This is ridiculous! You're being completely arbitrary and asinine. One minute you're telling me I'm doing a great job, and the next minute you're writing me up!
Lois: You broke the rules, Malcolm.
Malcolm: Come on, that box-flattening area is a stupid rule. You know I'm right.
Lois: Albert is a grade-five employee. He has put in 20 years of service time. Sometimes that's more important than what's right or wrong.
Malcolm: Who are you?!
Lois: Stop being so melodramatic.
Malcolm: No, seriously, I want to know. Because the mother I know has spent her entire life ranting about always doing the right thing, no matter what the cost, no matter how unpopular it is, and now you're standing here getting all caught up in who's a grade five and blindly obeying authority.
Lois: Honestly, Malcolm, where'd you get the idea that a job is supposed to be fun?
Malcolm: That's not what I'm talking about!
Lois: The truth is, work is hard and miserable and nobody likes doing it.
Quote from Butterflies
Lois: All right, what's in this bag?
Malcolm: Nothing. I'm restocking.
Lois: Fresh fruit? A package of all-cotton underwear? A decent book? We don't sell this stuff.
Malcolm: Okay, fine. If you must know, I was restocking my locker. I've been having intense stomach problems, and that's what the fruit is for, and the underwear, and sadly, the book, too. And now that you've publicly humiliated me, can I go about my business? [to camera] Okay, not bad. It's plausible, embarrassing enough for the outburst, and essentially unprovable. I just have to stand my ground.