‘Lois Battles Jamie’
Season 6, Episode 8 - Aired January 23, 2005
Lois questions her strength when she can not get Jamie to calm down and eat his food. Meanwhile, Reese is determined to come up with a big idea for a diving board the boys found.
Quote from Hal
Lois: Would you look at this? Jamie poured flour in the dryer. Now I get to wear a loaf of bread to work tomorrow. He destroys everything! He's absolutely the worst kid we have ever had!
Hal: Oh, you say that with every kid. Let's face it, Lois. It's just the hand we were dealt. God just doesn't like us. That doesn't make us bad people.
Lois: No, there's something different with Jamie. He's not like the other ones. I'm telling you, I can see it in his eyes.
Hal: Honey, calm down. You know what will make you feel better? You take a look at him while he's sleeping. You know how cute he is, with his tush all squished up in the air like that- [Jamie isn't in his crib] Did you see him? [door closes]
Quote from Reese
Reese: Would you look at this thing? It's amazing. We've got to come up with something really great to do with it.
Dewey: What if we tied mattresses to ourselves and jumped off it?
Reese: Nah. We could do that off the roof.
Malcolm: We could launch mannequins into the Prestons' Jacuzzi.
Reese: Uh-uh. It's not good enough.
Dewey: We could get a squirrel to dive off it into a cup of water.
Reese: Not good enough. Not for her. Not this old beauty.
Malcolm: Well, how about if we got a vat of Jell-O-
Reese: No! It's not good enough! I got it! We take a dog, tie him to a bicycle... No! It's just not good enough!
Quote from Lois
Lois: You know what, Hal? I'm done. I give up.
Hal: What are you talking about?
Lois: Jamie wins. He beat me. All those years, all those terrible things those kids have done. It doesn't make me stronger, it's just worn me down. Like termites eating away at a house, until all that's holding up is paint. I'm just paint, Hal. Jamie knows it. You'll do a better job than I can. I trust you.
Hal: No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no! You can't leave me alone with those kids! We had a deal, Lois! You are in charge of the spiritual and emotional development, discipline and scary injuries. I kill spiders, mark their heights on the door frames and supply car snacks. You walk out now and the whole system falls apart!
Lois: I can't do it, Hal. I don't want to. I just don't have it anymore. I mean, it's normal, right? People give up, they quit.
Hal: Lois, you listen to me. No one is as good as you are. You took those vicious little fiends, and you twisted and crushed them into submission. And you didn't do it because you had to. You did it because you loved the game, and it was beautiful!
Lois: I just don't have that anymore.
Hal: Honey, yes, you do. I know you do. You just lost your way a little. You just need to think. Think back to the first time you found that spark. There's got to be some way to remember. And I'm going to help you.
Quote from Reese
Reese: No! We are not getting rid of this!
Malcolm: Reese, what is the big deal? What is so special about this board?
Reese: I think it's my last time.
Malcolm: Last time for what?
Reese: For anything stupid and reckless and fun. Maybe it's because I'm almost 18 now, but lately I've been hearing this voice in my head that says, "That's dangerous. That's stupid. You're gonna hurt yourself." And the old voice, the one that says, "This is fun. Do it anyways. They'll figure out how to save you." It just gets quieter and quieter. Pretty soon I won't be able to hear it at all. But before it dies, I want to say good-bye to it the right way.
Malcolm: We'll give it the best send-off any crazy voice could ever ask for.
Dewey: I'd do it for mine.
Quote from Francis
Lois: [on the phone] Hello, Dr. Sachs? It's Lois again. I know I just called, but my husband yelled at me again about being stricter with Francis, and I wanted to know if you could write me a note that says yelling at him could damage his psyche? [Francis grabs a cup and then opens a cupboard to get lighter fluid] It's such a tender time for Francis. He's so fragile and unformed and I just want to make sure I get it right, but everything I do feels wrong.
[Francis sits down with a cup, a teddy bear, lighter fluid and a box of matches]
Lois: [sobs] If this is all supposed to be so natural, why can't I get this? I love him so much and I want to be a good mother and I know I have to be stronger, but I just don't think I can look in his eyes and not give him what he wants. He has such a sweet little face and he's so innocent.
[Lois turns around and sees Francis trying to light a match]
Lois: [calmly] I'm going to have to call you back. [hangs up] Fire is dangerous.
[Lois picks up Francis's teddy bear and walks over to the fireplace and turns it on.]
Lois: Fire can hurt you. Fire can kill you. [smoke appears] I will not let that happen. Let me make one thing clear. I love you, and I will do whatever I have to to take care of you, and keep you safe and happy and alive. I don't care if you grow up to hate me, but you will understand this: I will do anything. That is how much I love you.
[After the two eyes of the teddy bear fall onto the carpet as smoke fills the room, Francis goes over to his high chair and sits back down.]
Lois: Yes. That's right. It's coming back to me; that sense of strength and power, and purpose I finally knew who I was, and what I was born to be.
Hal: Honey, you're back! [chuckles] I knew you could do it!
Francis: [cries] Mr. Fuzzles! [wails]
Lois: Thank you, Francis. You can go now.
Quote from Malcolm
Malcolm: We've got something for you. Dewey and I finally came up with something good enough for that insane voice in your head.
Dewey: Here, put this on first.
Reese: Roman candles?
Dewey: Well, that's how they started off. We decided to give 'em a little more... oomph. Do you care if you keep your eyebrows?
Reese: Hell, no!
Malcolm: Okay, the fuse is timed for 20 seconds. You're gonna light it, and then get up on the board and jump. The rockets should kick in around there. They won't give you any momentum, but they will ignite that. Hopefully, you will land in that kiddie pool.
Dewey: We think that's got a 50-50 shot of putting you out. If the roof doesn't collapse. Or ignite.
Malcolm: And it's all gonna be caught on that video camera. It has a direct feed to the Internet. You're the featured page on GiantJackass.com.
Reese: This is more than anything I could have ever asked for.
Malcolm: Nobody deserves it more than you.
Quote from Dewey
Malcolm: It's mocking us. It's a ten-foot-tall springboard that we got for free, and we can't think of a single thing that's good enough to do with it!
Dewey: I bet it belonged to some other family that went crazy because they couldn't come up with anything to do with it. They probably just sat around, staring at it for months, until they finally snapped and started eating each other.
Reese: Damn it, we're better than this! I know we are! Remember that squashed groundhog we found on the highway? We came up with a hundred things to do with that, from the horrible to the beautiful!
Dewey: I miss Flatty.
Quote from Hal
Hal: [on the phone] Mr. Hawkins? It's Hal. Remember a few weeks ago, in the break room, when someone left the tin foil on their burrito and the microwave caught fire and the sprinklers went off and shorted out all the computers and we lost all our database for the last five years? Yeah, well, I just thought you might like to know who the "slack-jawed idiot" was.
Malcolm: [runs in] Dad, Dad, you need four apples, not three! You only won another lottery ticket!
Hal: It was Phil in accounting. He feels just awful about it, and I wouldn't be too hard on him. His wife's a bit of a drinker, and she's not particularly faithful...
Quote from Dewey
Reese: I'm starving. I hope Mom has something decent for dinner.
Malcolm: I saw her pulling baloney stew out of the freezer last night.
Dewey: Don't worry. I stuck a bloody Band-Aid in it before we left.
Quote from Reese
Reese: Holy crap. Look at that!
Dewey: Cool! A diving board!
Reese: Oh my God. This is the greatest thing ever. And someone just dumped it here for us to find. We've got to take it home!
Malcolm: What are we gonna do with it?
Reese: I don't know. But look at it! It's... It's got the... And it's up and... And bounce and... And bounce!
Malcolm: He's right. We need it.
Reese: One, two, three go! [all groan as they lift it about two inches off the ground and move it half a foot] One, two, three go! [again] One, two, three, go! [again] One, two, three, go! [again]