Mr. Herkabe: Who's Dabney?
Dabney: Me, sir. I took the liberty of ordering you a decaf soy latte.
Mr. Herkabe: Let me guess. Emotionally needy. Closet bed-wetter. You get no affection at home so you'll be seeking it from me. Look elsewhere, son. Who's the anal-retentive outsider [many hands go up]... with repressed matricidal tendencies?
Kevin: That one's from me, sir. Please, stop.
Mr. Herkabe: As you may or may not know I was once one of you, a Krelboyne. And I'm sure I would have made the same lame attempt to ingratiate myself to the new soft-headed thick-wit teaching my class. Oh, yes, I've been there. I've been coddled and preened. "Oh, you're a genius." "You can do anything you set your mind to. It must be so easy being you." Well, bull! [all gasp] All that gets you is an ex-wife and 14 million dollars in debt. Now, I refuse to let you fall into the trap society has set for you. Playtime is over, children! You've had a free ride so far. It's about time somebody motivated you, challenged you, tested your mental limits! Granted, I don't have a teaching certificate from a two-year community college like most of the people I was forced to say hello to this morning in the teachers lounge, but I'm just going to muddle through with my double doctorate from Harvard.
Lloyd: This is a test!
Mr. Herkabe: Correct. You have 20 minutes.
Dabney: There are six essay questions.
Mr. Herkabe: I'm sorry, I thought this was the gifted class. Begin!

Mr. Herkabe: Ah, Malcolm. You have waited very patiently for your term project, and today your patience pays off. Here.
Malcolm: What's this?
Mr. Herkabe: You are holding a video surveillance camera. The lens is in the logo, and the video is transmitted via wireless signal to this digital tape recorder.
Malcolm: What am I supposed to do with it?
Mr. Herkabe: You are going to secretly conduct an in-depth case study of a deviant mind, the most deviant mind that we have at our disposal. A mind incapable of differentiating between right and wrong, a diseased...
Malcolm: You're talking about my brother.
Mr. Herkabe: Yes.
Malcolm: And you want me to secretly videotape him?
Mr. Herkabe: Around you, he'll relax, let his guard down, begin to talk about himself. These disciplinary files reveal nothing of the real Reese.
Malcolm: What you're asking me to do is creepy on about a hundred different levels.
Mr. Herkabe: You have one week.

Malcolm: Hey! You made me look like a total jerk! You tricked me!
Mr. Herkabe: Tricked you? Oh, how could I, a humble school administrator making low five figures, be any match for the great and powerful Malcolm? Never underestimate your adversary! You may consider yourself my moral and intellectual superior, but this has clearly proven you are neither. We played the game and I won. [engine splutters]

Mr. Herkabe: Fascinating timeline, Reese. So let's see. It was the moon landing, the War of 1812, then the Lincoln-Kennedy shoot-out.
Malcolm: [to camera] It's embarrassing enough having Reese in my class this year. What's worse is Herkabe's made him his personal whipping boy.
Mr. Herkabe: Reese, I'm just looking through my notes here, and it appears that that was your twentieth wrong answer in a row. And you know what that means, don't you?
Students: [chant] Monkey dance! Monkey dance! Monkey dance!
Reese: Monkey dance?
Mr. Herkabe: Your first right answer. Well, let's not leave your audience waiting.
[Reese dances like a monkey as his classmates chant. Malcolm gives Mr. Herkabe a disapproving look.]
Mr. Herkabe: Wait, Reese. Stop. This isn't right. [plays music] Okay, continue.

Mr. Herkabe: I won it my senior year.
Malcolm: Football trophy?
Mr. Herkabe: Behind that.
Malcolm: The soccer trophy?
Mr. Herkabe: Behind that.
Malcolm: There's just a bunch of crappy ribbons.
Mr. Herkabe: Behind the spelling bee award.
Malcolm: That thing that looks like it broke off that other trophy?
Mr. Herkabe: I cannot be responsible for the myopic value this sports-obsessed administration places on academic achievement. But that little plaque represents the highest GPA in the history of the school, and it is mine, Malcolm. All mine.
Malcolm: So what?
Mr. Herkabe: So what? I had to work hard for that plaque. I had to score higher than Edna Fornby, who'd held the title for 38 years. A towering intellect, blind since birth, went on to be a Rhodes scholar. Really classy lady. Cried like a baby when I took it from her. What a night.

Malcolm: You wanted to see me, Mr. Herkabe?
Mr. Herkabe: Malcolm, one of the many perks of working in the glamorous field of public education is the constant opportunity to suddenly increase your workload. It's as big a morale booster as the constant chiseling of gum from one's shoes...
Malcolm: You know, you can come right out and tell me how you're screwing me over. You don't have to make a speech every time.
Mr. Herkabe: Be patient.

Mr. Herkabe: Well, I have your test results. You all got A's. But, since this is the gifted class, I also factored in the
cogency of argument, economy of language and penmanship, which enabled me to do this.
Malcolm: What is that?
Mr. Herkabe: A ranking board.
Malcolm: But I thought you said we all got A's.
Mr. Herkabe: Oh, you did. But some of you got better A's than others.
Lloyd: But we all still have A's?
Mr. Herkabe: Of course.
Malcolm: So, er, what does being number one get you?
Mr. Herkabe: Nothing! Just the knowledge that you are number one. Or that you are not number one. Yes, number five?
Dabney: It's Dabney, sir.
Mr. Herkabe: I know. What is it, number five?
Dabney: I forgot.

Kevin: Certainly the whale represents the search for God. But that could be limiting. We could say it was the search for the self. Melville could be considered a pre-existentialist.
[Mr. Herkabe moves Kevin from fourth places to third, overtaking Lloyd]
Lloyd: But you can't deny the whale could be the search for truth which has been a theme throughout his whole oeuvre.
[Herkabe swaps them back]
Dabney: But you can't overlook the fact that it is a whale, which was the biggest industry in the 19th century. The oil was used in lamps, soaps and even cosmetics.
[As Herkabe starts moving Dabney's name down the list, Dabney's voice gets more high-pitched]
Dabney: Today... whaling is outlawed but many Aleutian islanders are legally allowed to harvest whales for... ritual purposes. But I digress! [sobs]
Mr. Herkabe: Wow! Nine places. That's gotta be a record. OK, on to new business. This Friday Principal Littledove will be dropping by for an evaluation. I think he'll be very impressed with what he sees. I don't think he'll understand it, but I think his tiny brain will have the dim perception of the progress you can make when students are properly motivated. [Dabney sobs] Now, who would like to sink their teeth into some Bernoulli equations? [all except Malcolm raise their hands]

Mr. Herkabe: How are we doing, gentlemen? Everyone sticking to the experiment?
Kevin: Absolutely. Right on track, sir.
Mr. Herkabe: I know how tempting it is... to stray from a rigidly defined protocol. It's the siren's song of pure research but you must resist her seductive powers because...
All: Unstable compounds require stable minds. [walks off]
Stevie: Jackass.
Kevin: It's like he's talking to children. [puts a colorful liquid in the beaker]
[cut to:]
Kevin: It was a perfectly legitimate variation. There was less than a 48% chance this would happen.
Mr. Herkabe: Well, your cavalier disregard for the laws of the classroom, not to mention the laws of nature, have led to the inevitable. It will now take weeks to decontaminate that classroom. And during that time, you will all be placed back into the general population. [all gasp]
Dabney: We can't do that. The whole school hates us. They'll destroy us without realizing their rage is a projection of their own insecurities.
Mr. Herkabe: And as for me, I've been offered a temporary position in the phys ed department where I will get to wear a whistle... and dress in shorts! Of course, I'm sure none of this will be reflected in your grades.

Mr. Herkabe: What is with the self-pity?! Albert Einstein had to carry spare pants until he was 24 and did he cry about it? No. He drew on that experience and helped build the first nuclear bomb. Now buck up and get in the van.