Edwin Spangler Quotes Page 1 of 5    

Quote from Shame

Spangler: Men, most of you are at an age where your bodies have undergone significant... changes. While the benefits of increased muscle mass and a more authoritative speaking register are plain... these changes can produce certain negative desires. Now, we used to handle it with cold showers and regularly scheduled beatings but... sadly, times have changed and I am forced to rely on a less effective option: education. [changes slide] Pretty, isn't she? Perhaps her name is Mary or Wendy or Becky Lou. It doesn't matter because her real name... is disease. [changes slide] Not so pretty anymore, is she, men? Chancres... lesions... furuncles... Such is the price of weakness.
Francis: I can't believe they're swallowing this.
Stanley: Standard technique. Generate a fear response make the brain more receptive.
Francis: I don't care. Spangler has ruined everything in our lives. Now he has to ruin sex?
Spangler: Now, remember every one of these diseases can easily be transmitted to you. [boys groan]
Adam: Excuse me, sir? Isn't that slide upside down?
Spangler: No, son. No, it isn't.

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Quote from Surgery

Francis: Sir, what are you doing? Why are you taking away our TV?
Spangler: It's for your own good, cadet.
Francis: But that is the only thing that makes this place bearable.
Spangler: Television rots the mind, cadet. How can you focus on your studies and improve your character if your brain is full of your Morks and your Mindys? Now you'll have time for more worthwhile endeavors. Write a letter. I'm sure your parole officers will appreciate the personal touch.

Quote from Mini-Bike

Spangler: An untucked shirttail, Cadet? Is that what we teach you here? To disgrace your uniform? I think not.
Francis: Sir, his shirt just came untucked when he was hugging his father. You can't yell at him for hugging his father.
Hal: Francis...
Francis: No.
Spangler: No, I'm glad you saw this. This is exactly what I was talking about. Always undermining my authority. Day in, day out, it's the same thing. Like when I had Cadet Dooley run 600 laps of the perimeter for an inside-out pillowcase violation, Francis organizes a sit-in. Or when I cut off the electricity to the fifth floor for a contraband boom box, he hijacks a generator for them. The boy lives to cause chaos.
Francis: He was hugging his dad!
Spangler: In front of his own father, he still defies me at every turn.
Hal: And every time something like that happens, he challenges you?
Spangler: Every time.
Hal: Even when he knows he'll get in trouble?
Spangler: That doesn't seem to matter to him at all.
Hal: I understand.

Quote from Emancipation

Spangler: Leaving so soon, cadet?
Francis: Sir, by statute 614 of the Alabama Legal Code, I am officially emancipated and considered an adult. An adult who no longer chooses to attend Marlin Academy. I have copies of the documents if you want to see them again.
Spangler: Oh, no need! I'm sure everything was done on the up and up. But let me tell you something, cadet. In all my years at this academy, I have never had a student who was more bull headed, more committed to avoid learning at all costs. A cadet whose constant byword was insubordination. Thank you, cadet. [hugs Francis]
Francis: What?
Spangler: Before you came to this academy I was bored, uninspired... [holds up hook] and this close to retiring. But your insolence and stupidity have been the irritating grain of sand around which has formed the pearl of my renaissance. I like me again. Cadet! As a thanks, I want you to have this. [holds a sword] Normally, these are reserved for cadets who have distinguished themselves or whose parents have donated a building, but you've left your mark here in your own way. So, what the heck!
Francis: Wow! [takes sword out of sheath] Sir, this is great.
Spangler: Farewell, cadet.
Francis: Thank you so much.
Spangler: Careful that's razor-
[cut to Spangler writing on a type-writer with his new right-hand hook]

Quote from Dewey's Dog

Francis: I couldn't sleep at all last night.
Eric: Me, too. It's like there's something creepy in the air.
Spangler: Francis!
Francis: Commandant Spangler!
[Eric drops a tray of cutlery as he salutes]
Francis: What are you doing in Alaska?
Spangler: I've come for you, Francis! I've been searching for you for months.
Francis: Me? Why?
Spangler: Why? Because... after 32 years as an educator and disciplinarian, your desertion stood out as my only failure. A failure that... haunted my every waking moment. I began to see your face in those of other young cadets who didn't deserve the wrath that I poured down on their innocent souls. There was a lawsuit. Charges were filed. Disgrace. I can't even remember the fire but I do... remember... the cause! Through all of my suffering... I saw the stupid grinning face of the one person responsible for all of my suffering!
Eric: Who?
Spangler: Die! Die! Die! [whimpers]
Francis: Sir, cut it out, your hooks are cold. [Spangler sobs]

Quote from Shame

Spangler: Perhaps her name is Mary or Wendy, or Becky Lou. It doesn't matter because her real name is disease. [changes slide] [boys laugh] Isn't so pretty anymore, is she, boys? Chancres... lesions... furuncles... Such is the pri- Why, these aren't the proper slides. [a slide shows Francis picking his nose] Some hooligan has switched them. [another slide shows Francis picking his nose] This is obviously some ingenious scheme to humiliate me. [another slide shows Francis inspecting the result] I find myself... [a slide shows Francis scratching his butt at the urinal] so overcome with embarrassment I can't stop clicking. Although there's probably one in here of a cadet who thinks he's all alone, and... [Francis pulls the plug] Well, technical difficulties. We will resume the lecture with the proper slides at 0800 tomorrow. Gentlemen. [to Francis] Remember, son, a good soldier always checks the chamber.

Quote from Stock Car Races

Spangler: I smell smoke. Who is responsible? [silence] Very well. We'll do it the hard way. Patton.
[Spangler's dog, Patton, growls as he walks him by each cadet. When Spangler stands in front of Francis, Patton barks]
Spangler: Francis, please lift up your right foot.
[Francis lifts his foot to reveal a stamped-out cigarette]
Spangler: [sighs] Son, you have the worst attitude I've ever seen in 15 years at this institution. You seem compelled to break every rule, to flout every convention. You are never going to make it - in the armed forces or anywhere else. Now, I was never fortunate enough to serve in combat but I do know what it requires. Look at this dog. [Patton chews on Spangler's pant leg] He is vicious, he is ungrateful and yet even he understands the importance of obedience. Do you hear what I am saying, Francis?
Francis: Yes, sir. I'll try to be more like a Jack Russell terrier, sir.
Spangler: There will be no hot water for this floor for the entire month. You can thank the cadet after I leave.
[Spangler limps away with Patton still gnawing at his leg]

Quote from Stock Car Races

Spangler: Men, a terrible tragedy has befallen us. At approximately 1700 hours, our beloved Patton was set upon by a serpent and devoured. I, myself, fired a few rounds as it slithered away but, hampered by a lack of depth perception, my efforts were useless. [sniffles] Now, after an incident such as this certain questions arise. Leaving aside for the moment why God feels the need to take away everything that I love, that leaves us with the matter of who is responsible. [holds out gloved hand] Can you explain that, Francis?
Francis: Yes, sir. I believe you lost that finger trying to start the school lawn mower.
Spangler: What is in the hand?
Francis: They appear to be Raisinettes, sir.
Spangler: They are snake droppings, found in your footlocker. Now, what do you have to say for yourself?
Francis: Sir, I'm obviously the victim of an elaborate conspiracy to frame me. It's just too perfect, sir.
Spangler: Two months! No hot water, no television and an 8:00 p.m. curfew for the entire academy! Feel free to thank the cadet after I leave.

Quote from Cheerleader

Spangler: Son, what were you thinking?! Stealing 200 frogs from the biology lab and setting them loose on the highway!
Francis: I was freeing the alleged frogs, sir. Killing live animals in the name of science is inhumane.
Spangler: No! Inhumane is sitting in a car for two and a half hours when I live only eight blocks from campus.
Francis: Sir, I didn't mean-
Spangler: I am tired of all the things you didn't mean to do. You didn't mean to come in four hours after curfew. You didn't mean to replace the morning reveille record with a selection from trip-hop wizard Tricky. Maybe I should just rename this "Francis's 'I didn't mean to' file."
Francis: That would be a bold choice, sir.
Spangler: Glibness. What a surprise. I'm giving you exactly ten seconds to tell me why I shouldn't put you on latrine detail for the rest of this semester.
Francis: Okay. Um... "Why shouldn't I have to clean toilets for the next three months?" It's an intriguing question. Is that a new tie, sir?
Spangler: Four seconds.
Francis: What a beautiful beach. Did you take this, sir? Because you've truly captured your young male friend's... Speedo.
Spangler: That is a picture of me. Now if I were you, I wouldn't try to distract me and... [looks at picture]
Francis: Sir? Sir?
Spangler: Hmm? That'll be all, cadet.

Quote from Cheerleader

Francis: Look, sir-
Spangler: I have the floor. In the short time that you have been under my care, we have had our share of conflicts. In all my efforts to get through to you, I have tried every method I know how. [removes normal hook]
Francis: And besides mental and physical abuse, sir, exactly which methods would those be?
Spangler: This photo made me realize something. I used to be like you. Insolent, arrogant, cavalier.
Francis: Sir, I-
Spangler: Floor. [attaches pipe-holding hook and smokes] Now, son, you are on the precipice. Now, I am going to tell you a story about my life in the hopes of finally getting you to straighten yourself out. In the coming hours, you are going to hear things that are going to horrify you.
Francis: It sounds illuminating, sir, but I have biology.
Spangler: I've taken the liberty of canceling your next three classes. Son, do you know what a wet nurse is?

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