Francis: Look, I'm going to ask you one last time, for the sake of our marriage, what did you do?
Piama: [whispers] Took her parakeet.
Francis: What?
Piama: I took her parakeet!
Francis: You stole the woman's pet? The woman's pet?!
Piama: You protect the people you love. I figured you would do the same for me.
Francis: But I would tell you. And if I was gonna grab someone's parakeet and hold it hostage... Well, jee, I wouldn't do that. How long were you going to keep it for, anyway?
Piama: 'Til she behaved. And if she didn't, I guess I'd have killed it.
Francis: See?! That's where it gets alarming again. But putting aside the horrible nature of the act itself, what's upsetting is, you made this unilateral decision-
Piama: I said I was sorry! How many times do you want me to say it?
Francis: You didn't say you were sorry.

Lois: Sorry it's so cramped, Piama. This van really isn't designed to carry seven people.
Piama: Oh. I guess I was thrown off by the seven seats and the seven seat belts.
Hal: Uh, Francis, how's that ranch job treating you?
Francis: Oh, great. Never a dull moment. In fact, last week I got to castrate a bull calf.
Dewey: What does castrate mean?
Piama: Ask your mother.

Piama: Hey, guys. I'm so sorry. I came as fast as I could.
Hal: Hey.
Piama: I-I'm not going to get too close. I'm fighting a terrible cold. I'll probably be in bed all weekend.
Malcolm: Mom didn't come.
Piama: [throws box of tissues away] Well, we'll just have to enjoy ourselves without her. Come on.

Piama: You know, Francis isn't the screw-up you think he is.
Lois: Really?
Piama: Did you know he works sixteen hours a day at his job and he still managed to build a wheelchair ramp for my uncle Jake? In fact-
Lois: I don't think we should talk about Francis.
Piama: Why not? He's my husband and your son.
Lois: Needless to say, he and I have a very long and complicated history together that I don't feel like explaining to you.
Piama: Admit it, you don't like me.
Lois: I don't even know you.
Piama: Well, what would you like to know? I'm nineteen, my mom ran off when I was three and my dad kicked me out of the house when I was fourteen because I threw out his liquor. I've been married once before, no kids, thank God, and last year I spent three weeks in jail, but it wasn't my fault.

Lois: Will you stop this, please?
Piama: You just can't stand for someone in your fancy family to marry beneath him.
Lois: What?
Piama: Just because I'm not all classy like you.
Lois: Classy? You think I'm classy?
Piama: Don't laugh at me.
Lois: I'm sorry, it's just this is a first. I hate to break it to you, but I am not classy.
Piama: Oh, yeah.
Lois: You know, I guess what you call class, I call manners.
Piama: I came down here hoping to get along with you. But you're not gonna let that happen. [moves her tea cup away]
Lois: You might be surprised at what I'd let happen. [moves her tea cup away]
Piama: [stands up] So... what's gonna happen?
Lois: [stands up] I don't know. What is gonna happen?

Francis: The blood from my knees was tracking behind where I'd already scrubbed, so I had to keep going around until, finally, she let me put towels on my knees. So, how was your day? Did you make a lot of snow globes?
Piama: I don't care about that. My husband is being disrespected by a woman who isn't fit to eat the crap between your toes. Somebody ought to cut that woman's belly open with a rusty knife and strangle her with her own entrails.
Francis: I love you, too.

Francis: What did you do?!
Piama: I don't know what you're talking about, honey.
Francis: Lavernia is being nice to me. She's treating me like a human being. What did you do to her?
Piama: Maybe she turned over a new leaf. Sometimes really big crappy jerks just realize they've got to change their ways.
Francis: This woman was terrified and I've never seen her scared of anything. I don't know how you threatened her, but you must have said something.
Piama: I wouldn't do that, Francis. You're the man. I'm not gonna fight your battles for you.
Francis: Obviously that's not true. Now, damn it, you're gonna tell me what you did.
Piama: You know what... [holds up chopping knife] I don't have to do anything you tell me to do, and you might want to reconsider your tone of voice. [chops vegetables] Sometimes you make me so mad!

Francis: Besides, we're not just celebrating my sobriety. We're also celebrating my new job.
Lois: Francis, that's wonderful! What is it?
Francis: A laser-etched crystal. It's the perfect fusion of science and art.
Hal: Wow. The detail is amazing. And you can see everything on this nude fairy.
Piama: That's me. [Hal gasps and hands back the crystal]
Francis: You can put whatever image you want in these crystals, but it all adds up to one thing: financial independence in five to twelve years.
Piama: We're starting our own business.
Francis: We already looked into the franchise and locked down the location. Now all we have to do is work out the financing.
Lois: Oh?
Francis: Don't worry, Mom, we don't need any money. We already got $10,000 from Piama's mom's lawsuit settlement.
Piama: The newspaper used her picture without her permission for an article on mental defectives.

Francis: Well, I just listened at the boys' door and not a peep. I hated coming down on them like that but that's the only way they'll listen.
Piama: Absolutely.
Francis: I mean, I think I was hard but fair.
Piama: [laughs] You couldn't have been more fair.
Francis: Okay, and now you're smiling which means in about two seconds I'm going to look like a jackass.
Piama: You can keep going if you want.
Francis: Just tell me.
Piama: The boys haven't been in the room for three hours.
Francis: What?
Piama: They want you to meet them at the south gate. This should explain everything. I'm afraid it starts off a little antagonistic.
Francis: Is that last word "lick" or "wipe"?
Piama: I think you're safe either way.

Lois: Oh, I can't believe she's here. I can't believe my sister picked now to have a fight with her. I can't believe I'm actually going to have to move into the boys' room.
Piama: Calm down. Does your sister know your mom is dying?
Lois: What are you talking about?
Piama: Does your sister know your mother has a fatal disease that she's been hiding and this might be her last chance to make peace? [holds telephone] With her mother. Who's dying.