Lois: Malcolm, I didn't raise you to stop trying when something is hard. You can do this. You just concentrate on those pins. You throw the ball. You are not giving up until you bowl a strike.
Man: Your mother's right, Connie.
Malcolm: My name's not Connie! Okay, Mom, you want to see a strike?!
Lois: Malcolm, what are you doing?
[Malcolm starts walking down the lane]
Malcolm: Look at me! I'm the world's greatest bowler! I care so much about bowling! Bowling is so important!
Lois: Malcolm, come back here!
Malcolm: You want a strike? I'll give you a strike! Here's your damn strike!
[Malcolm throws the ball and doesn't manage to knock over a single pin. As everyone laughs, Malcolm walks back up the lane.]
Reese: Way to go, Connie!

Malcolm: You can go now. Thanks for the ride.
Lois: Where are the parents? Are there no parents here?
Malcolm: Mom, please don't...
Lois: Where are your parents? Who's chaperoning this?
Reese: Mom, we don't need a chaperone.
Lois: Okay, it's me. [claps] We got two lanes here. Let's use them! You, you, you, you and you, you'll use that lane. You five use this one.
Malcolm: Mom, please don't do this.
Lois: Are you kidding? You guys are bowling. [sighs] You could cut the hormones around here with a knife. I mean, what kind of parent would leave these kids alone with themselves?

Francis: [on the phone] Hey, Mom, I need a favor.
Lois: Sure. Let's hear it.
Francis: Well, some of the other cadets are going in together on an old car and if I put in 100 bucks, I get the car every seventh weekend.
[Dewey opens his bedroom door and tentatively places one foot down. Lois doesn't even turn around.]
Lois: Get back in there!
Francis: I could take road trips and go on dates. I could drive underprivileged children to cultural stuff.
Lois: Oh, honey, I'm sorry. I really don't think we can afford this right now.
Francis: Of course. I knew you'd say that. Why do I even try? Now you can go to bed happy, knowing that you kept my life a living hell!

[Malcolm stares at Beth as she applies lip gloss]
Beth: [inaudible] Are you deaf?
Malcolm: What?
Beth: I guess that's a yes to the "do you like my lip gloss?" question.
Malcolm: Yeah. Uh, yes. I mean, why wouldn't I say yes to anything you ask?
Beth: Hey, not bad. You're a pretty smooth talker. What else are you good at?
Malcolm: A lot of things.
Beth: So, how about you pick... one thing?
Malcolm: Maybe I will.
Beth: Maybe I'd like that.
Malcolm: Maybe you would.
Beth: My roll.
Malcolm: Maybe it is. [to camera] I just can't seem to stop talking like this.

Pizza Guy: That's $11.50.
Dewey: I gave all my cash to the video guy. Do you take credit cards?
Pizza Guy: Yeah.
Dewey: Is one enough?
Pizza Guy: Better make that two.
Dewey: Thank you.

Hal: Oh, oh, wait. Where are you going?
Man: I have to use the restroom.
Hal: No, no, no. Nobody leaves.
Man: But I...
Hal: No, no, no, please, please, everything's got to stay the same. Please, I need you here. I've never... I've never been this close before. You are a part of this. You're all a part of this. Each a thread in a fabric of the perfect game. Oh, sure, it'll be my name up there on that plaque by the men's room door, but each of you know in your heart that you had a vital role...
Man: Okay, okay.
Hal: in my success...
Man: Okay. Okay! Just... go quick.
Hal: Okay, thank you. Thank you.

Lois: What's going on? I haven't heard a peep out of you in over an hour.
Dewey: I'm kind of tired.
Lois: But you haven't tried your fake running away or your sleepwalking yet. It's not like you to give up so easily.
Dewey: Hmm.
Lois: Maybe you've finally learned that all those silly little games you play aren't going to get you anywhere.
Dewey: I guess.
Lois: When you're punished in this house, you're going to serve your time. There's no getting around it. Well, I suppose you've suffered enough. I guess there's no harm in 20 minutes of television.
Dewey: Okay.
Lois: Wait a minute. Unless this is a new ploy. You get right back into bed, mister.
Dewey: Okay.
Lois: No, no, hold on. I'm- I'm... I'm being ridiculous. Go, watch TV. Wait, not so fast. I'm not falling for it. [sighs] I'm being ridiculous. But you are not getting away with it. Go, watch TV. No, stop, stop. Stay right where you are. Okay. Okay, I tell you what we're going to do. You are- are going to watch television. But it's going to be something you're not going to enjoy. C-SPAN. That ought to do it. Okay, who just won?
Dewey: I'm not sure.

Beth: Hi.
Malcolm: What? You want to make fun of me, too?
Beth: No. I just wanted to tell you that I thought it was really brave of you to stand up to your mom like that. And I also thought it was hilarious the way you didn't hit a single pin when you were, like, what, an inch away?
Malcolm: Is there a point to all this?
Beth: No. Do you want to kiss me?
Malcolm: Why do you think you can come over here and make fun of me and... [kisses Beth]
Lois: Okay, that's it. Oh, for God's sake, you are worse than your father. You two are sitting on opposite sides of the car.

Hal: [answers phone] Hello.
Francis: Hey, Dad. I need a favor.
Hal: Let's hear it.
[Dewey sneaks into the kitchen and grabs a pack of chips from the kitchen before returning to his room]
Francis: Well, some of the other cadets are going in together on an old car, and if I put in $100 I get the car every seventh weekend. I could take road trips and go on dates. I could drive underprivileged children to cultural stuff.
Hal: Oh, come on, Francis. That's ridiculous. I'm not giving you the money to buy one-seventh of a piece of junk.
Francis: Okay. Just thought I'd ask. Later, Dad.
Hal: Bye.

Lois: Hi. I need two pair of shoes size seven and size nine.
Man: Coming up.
Lois: Where did all my money go? I've only got six dollars? Uh... just give me one pair, size eight. You boys can share.
Malcolm: But Reese isn't wearing any socks.
Reese: I'm not sticking my socks in those nasty shoes.